Wishing your child had a better father..

[RoombaRama]

Just need a space to vent to be honest. Before anyone says, I KNOW I cannot force him to be a better father etc, but just kinda feeling a bit sad about it for my little girl. I also know I am all she needs and that she will soon enough find out what her father is like.

Have been in a bitter court battle with my ex for several years, DD is almost 6. She only maintains supervised contact with him owing to the extent of his domestic abuse perpetrated towards both her and me.

He has to date maintained he is innocent and he is the victim and I am the abuser, despite court report after court report labelling HIM as the perpetrator. He is in complete denial.
He accepts zero responsibility for his behaviour, zero.

He takes absolutely no interest in his daughters life, doesn't know a single thing about her, her favourite foods, her favourite colour, names of her friends. Her school have not heard anything from him ever. He criticizes me to her also openly in front of others.

He has no interest in being a father and just likes the novelty of being daddy.

He called his child the following:

"A c*"
"Mental like it's mother"
"A wrong-un"
"Freak"

Not withstanding the physical abuse towards her as well, which was just horrific, I got away otherwise there would have been blood.

It's been several years in the family court, and each hearing he sits there and makes such a dramatic performance of being an aggrieved father who would do anything for his child. He does performative crying and presents so convincingly.

Yet.. he doesn't do anything.
He does nothing.
He doesn't care about her mental or emotional wellbeing, he doesn't care about the difficulties she has experienced emotionally and psychologically since we left him.

I just wish she could have better.
She deserves better.

There's no real point to this, it's just a vent at something that I can't change but wish I could.

I also meant to post, please use this space as a space to vent about your child's useless father if needed.

Mine has just vented how controlling I am, how I belittle him bla bla all while driving an hour to the hospital to see the midwife and hitting the dashboard and gritting his teeth. I let him give to to me.
It stung and I cried all the way. I don't know what to do? He's a shitty father. He killed the last bit of live I had for him
Why do we do this? I have no luck earning money nor any savings.

Oh OP, that sounds so hard. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. And so frustrated that the court allows it. During these supervised contact times - does no one realise how unpleasant he is STILL being to your DD?

Not my DC, but nephews'. I wish with every fibre of my being that SIL had chosen better so that her children could have a better father. Unfortunately, unlike you, she isn't doing enough to protect her DC (although her intentions are completely good) as she's still in some sort of denial about what he is capable of as a father. Over the last 2 years he has used them as tools to punish her ("Oh, I just won't see the DC this week then" or "I am not collecting them from school"), disappeared for up to 2 months at a time, told them inappropriate things about their mother and her extended family and is currently basically refusing to engage with anyone, including the DC.

I had a truly awful boss who I hated once. The only person I've ever hated. I now realise that the hate I feel for him is just a fraction of the hate I can feel because what I feel for exBIL is x100000.

Those things he called DD whilst we were together and living with him, he is still deeply unpleasant about me to her though.

I honestly don't know why we do it @Kittylala , is this your current partner?

Courts are hardcore. I know a mum who was stabbed by her ex with a knife whilst fleeing the house holding her baby daughter - could have just of easily been the daughter. Ex still got contact. Male judges are very dismissive - oh well, he was distraught you were leaving etc he wasn’t thinking clearly etc …..let’s give him a chance.

You can’t change him and what an awesome mum she has - she will grow up realising that her mother was a tough cookie and the boundaries she needs.

my eldest dd 16 has no contact with my ex since she was 7. She has sometimes seen him at drop offs and picks up and rolls her eyes. She doesn’t blame me, she thanks me for getting us out.

youngest ds 10 has contact x4 times a year and two phone calls a week. His phone calls are enough to make you sick - I love you, say you love daddy - kiss kiss over and over. He tells him he would have him more if he could - bullocks ! Also tells him he is the love of his life and everything. He doesn’t know how to be a dad etc he can just about mask it for the week ds is there or whatever. But the mask is slipping.

my ex used to do this crazy frustrating thing- it’s almost psychotic- you would ring at an agreed time and he would pretend he couldn’t hear you ‘hello hello hello’ etc if you put the phone down he keeps ringing and it plays on and on. I tried everything - turning my phone off. Then he emails over and over etc it only stopped for me when he rang one day and did his little pretence and the great big booming voice of a police officer sitting next to me said ‘Mr x, I’m PC y we have met regarding the situation of your divorce. I’m just at MS rocks house taking a statement and you’ve been on speaker phone for the last two minutes, are you feeling quite well ?? as it’s obvious you can hear her and I can hear you just fine - ‘ he just totally went to pieces and was ‘ so sorry officer , so sorry ms rocks Friday for contact is fine at 2 pm’.

he doesn’t have our address or my phone number but there is another phone to call Ds.

on Saturday ds came into the lounge crying and sobbing and said ‘daddy’s doing that weird thing with the phone’ / my ex rang again and my son answered it hello? Hello? Etc at which point I said to ds put the phone on speakerphone ‘what were you watching before scooby doo? Pop it back on and I’ll deal with it. You see Little Rock I’m sorry you are upset but this isn’t you, this isn’t something you cause or do. This is someone not being nice and if they can’t be nice we leave them alone don’t we?? ‘ My ex said ‘baby I love you’ and my son said ‘Daddy you don’t get it I’m crying and you hurt my head you make me feel ill. I’m putting the phone down’.

30 seconds later a text saying ‘sorry baby that you don’t feel well. Call me back and we can talk about Christmas’

i replied - he’s not a baby, you are allowed by court order one phone call. You done 18 WA calls and 4 phone calls tonight alone so we are done and when I speak to Little Rock later I will remind him it’s one call x 2 a week. Remember the order he doesn’t have to phone, he doesn’t have to visit - if he doesn’t want to he doesn’t go. So think carefully this stupid behaviour is going to destroy your relationship just like it did with me and eldest. And have you seriously go no life on a Saturday evening and nothing better to do? …..

What he sees is a mother with boundaries, a mother that empowers him and he will learn to be a decent human being. This is your sapling and your oak tree not his.

I hear you OP. Years of being dragged through court asking for contact he already had. Then long spells of abandonment, then more court citing parental alienation. He'd write down every awful thing he and OW did to me as if I had done it. It was so painful. Finally, when I was diagnosed with cancer, him and OW wrote to the court asking for my medical records because "she might die and he'll have to live with us". OW then banned son from their home and told my ex husband to choose. He chose her. Fortunately the CAFCASS officer I had was brilliant and he saw right through him. He also recommended a prohibited steps order so that OW could do no further harm. We've not seen him since. That was 3 years ago. I can't believe I had a child with this cunt.

Yes but I'm well out the other side with young adults now.
Hasn't paid any attention to them really in ten years, apart from special occasions to get his social media photos done.
The man wanted mid week contract and on the steps outside as the ink wasn't even dry told me he couldn't mid week but never to make plans as he just might one day. He's an idiot. He has had three periods of time over the years where he just stopped showing up for months or years, they now superficially have a relationship with him but it's all surface deep and he doesn't really know the real them

I had this. I remember him dragging me through court on one occasion just to get a consent order for contact he already had. As soon as it was done, he emailed me to say he was cancelling all his contact for the entire summer holidays as they were going to their holiday home for the summer. I just couldn't be arsed to argue with him. It was all about control.

My ex was awful he had an affair when dd1 was 3 months old . He had a child with her that he did everything for while only seeing dd every few months. He then stopped seeing dd when she was 5 , she is 25 next month ! I honestly hate his guts

Honestly, this is my biggest regret

Its disturbingly common I find also.

Oh yes the holidays, I've had them cancelled because I bought a car so clearly had money and could afford holiday clubs, his step child would be at school, he wanted time with only his new family, he had never had that week before (court ordered and had done every year before that for a number of years).
I stopped fighting, gave up on him being reliable and am out the other side.
Our eldest is at university and he won't even give her a few pounds towards her train travel. No longer his responsibility he tells her 🤷🏻‍♀️

If my child's father was speaking to her the way you say he does, I would sever all ties, he is causing your DD serious emotional harm.