Is it normal to fantasise about splitting up just to get a break?

[TheBeesKnee]

I'll preface this to say that I'm in a bad place mentally at the moment with a 7 month old baby and a partner who works erratic shifts so life feels very chaotic. I feel like life is just pure grudgery at the moment.

I've been having what I can only describe as intrusive thoughts about breaking up and getting at the very least every other weekend to myself because he would be forced to take on the baby by himself.

I find myself almost day dreaming about having a nice long shower and blow drying my hair without feeling rushed or stressed because I can hear the baby crying.

I think I would get a 2 bedroom flat in an area I like and how I'd decorate it, and I would have time to paint and do stuff around the house and bake.

I'd have less laundry to do.

When you're exhausted you fantasize about all sorts of ridiculous scenarios to get a rest.

There was a whole thread once where new mums tried to weigh up which limb they would be okay breaking to spend the weekend in a hospital bed. But that was years ago before the likely outcome would be sat in a&e for two days and sent home with two paracetamol.

I used to sit and think of injuries/illnesses that would mean a short hospital stay, but weren't too serious so that I could get a break. I had PND.

I have also thought the same as you at times. DH also works shifts and a lot of on call hours, meaning he may be at home but I can't go anywhere (and he can have the kids on his own when on call) because if he gets called out he's got to run, leaving the kids unsupervised. A lot of his free/leisure time is connected to work or staying fit for work which means I basically get no free time. Easier now my kids are 4 and 7, but still not great.

I'd maybe speak to your gp about PND and lay it down to your DH about the mental load etc and how you feel.

It's shit being the default parent when there's another competent parent choosing not to pull their weight.

Should have written *he can't have the kids not he can!

Does your partner pull his weight when he is not working? And is there any other family support?

Everyone daydreams wistfully about peaceful showers and me-time when they're in the throes of baby exhaustion - that's normal. I used to walk past the bookshelf and think, gosh I used to read books! But I wouldn't say intrusive thoughts like this are normal, and certainly not considering leaving your partner just for that (assuming you don't have other reasons to want to leave too).

I think you should discuss how you feel with your health visitor if she's any good, or your GP if not. And if there's any way to practically improve support so you get a break, don't be scared to ask aunties, friends, etc.

Yes, I think it's normal.

I also think it's more likely to happen when you are completely and totally overwhelmed. Made worse if your partner is not stepping up.

In many ways, once DC1 was 6 months, things were easier. But that was also the point at which I had to fully accept that the relentlessness of parenting was not going to go away. this wasn't a short term situation. I found that incredibly hard even though at the time DH was very there, very hands on etc.

Years later, DH was starting a new job and things were just sliding all back onto me. the resentment and exhaustion I felt was more than I could cope with and I absolutely used to dream about a life without him - even in what is, overall, a happy relationship.

Does he look after the baby when he’s not working? You don’t need to break up for him to do that.

Next time he’s at home, arrange to leave him and the baby and go out. Can you go to your parents/ relatives / friend’s house and have a little nap?

Yeah totally. I think about how much time DH and I would each have of we split. I also dreamed about getting hit by a car.

DH was hospitalised with pneumonia when our second (who was a difficult baby) was 3 months. He said it was great!

I have a 7m old too and a 3yo and a DH who is away weeks at a time for work, and no family nearby for support either.

I feel the same as you! I actually find it less honorous and less exhausting when DH is away because I'm not expecting any help and I just get on and do everything that needs to be done on my time scale. When DH is home and I expect help/support/stepping up but don't get it, that's when I find it most exhausting.

I find myself almost day dreaming about having a nice long shower and blow drying my hair without feeling rushed or stressed because I can hear the baby crying. My top tip here would be to shower in the evening once baby is fed and in bed asleep. Time it right you can take a leisurely shower and wash blow dry as soon as baby has gone down to sleep without being disturbed. If you have a baby monitor take it with you just in case.

Yeah, I have done this. I have also fantasised about a short stay in a minimum security prison.

So yes, I get it.

Yep, I fantasised about this when my DTs were small. I even suggested it to my dh, although he wasn’t as keen on the idea as I was!

I used to fantasise about a head injury, not a bad one, but bad enough for a small hospital stay.

I used to dream about being in prison when I had 3 DC under 4. Just so I could read a book, and have a cup of tea in peace! Now they are all all pretty much grown up , I long for those tiring but lovely days!

I do this too. I have a 9 month baby and a 4 year old. I daydream about that ‘single, summer eve and heading out for drinks’ feeling. Will it ever come back?!

I get it... Earlier last week I had fantasies about divorce or his funeral.. two under two here 😁

My husband and I have a joint fantasy where we split up and take it in turns to live in splendid isolation in a flat above the curry house in the village.

When the children were smaller and things were harder - and I thought I might actually die from lack of sleep - I used to entertain serious fantasies about hospital stays.

I'm sorry you're having a shit time OP. Can you get a single night away alone? I know it's a big ask (and I never managed it) but it sounds like you're in serious need of a break ❤️

I used to dream about taking baby DS1 to Italy to one of those lovely villages where the whole village would help me raise him. I don't speak Italian but I would just learn it really quickly.
When I couldn't sleep between feeds I used to plan the journey - drive to Southampton, take a ferry to St Malo, then work my way down by train. I would usually have dropped off to sleep before getting to St Malo.

Yes, I did this too, lots.

A break? What's that?! Not all single parents get a break 😅 haven't had one in 6 years

I used to fantasise about falling down the stairs 😭

Jesus Christ, at least I'm not alone 🙃

He's generally fine but yesterday he took nearly an hour to get up out of bed, and this morning when I told him the baby was awake he started making breakfast and I had to ASK him to go change nappy etc so I was feeling extra resentful. I don't get a full night's sleep, never mind a lie in.

Baby is EBF and DP has only done one night with him in 6 months (he did all nights in the beginning when I was recovering from a CS and baby was bottle fed, I will give credit where it's due) and that was also when I was at breaking point. I'd just love to not constantly be the default parent.

This probably isn't helpful but just from the other side I share custody with my shitty ex husband of our young child. And although yes I get breaks from looking after my child,it's far more mentally draining worrying about them and dealing with co parenting issues than it would be caring for him alone. The grass isn't always greener.

Okay two things, firstly thank you for posting this thread. It makes me feel a little less like a shitty person because I will tell you, the amount of times I generally considered spending 12 hours in a&e for a break is scary. I have a chronic illness so when I'm stressed and overwhelmed I get sick so the a&e part is purely based on the fact I spend a lot of my life there however when I sat there and considered just going to get away, I panicked big time. It's hard when you have a baby. I had a c section too so I know the mental and physical toll that can take on you, that's without including the hormones and the new tiny human.
You must be exhausted. Truly exhausted. Honestly if it were me I would wait till I'm in a more calm state and then discuss it with my partner. Be brutally, open and honest. Don't blame him but say that you would feel so much more whole and supported if he could do ....x y z....

From that conversation, you'll know all you need to know lovely. If he takes it on board and actively makes changes then that's awesome but if he doesn't respond so well, it's up to you to judge the situation as you know him and we don't. He may become defensive or say something stupid to 'protect himself' however as long as he apologises if he does get like that.

I hope some of my message makes sense however on the flip side, if you've genuinely had enough, I divorced my husband and moved out with my 6 week old twins and I don't regret it a single day. They are happy and healthy and are 7 now, so if I can survive I know sure as heck you will do amazing! Whatever you choose

Not when younger (was on my own most of the time as husband worked abroad) but definitely now she’s 15! I sometimes hide in a stable at home and ignore the shouting. I have a chair in a dark corner of the feed room and never admit to sitting there. I just shrug and say I was in the field with the horse and didn’t hear you as I waltz back in feeling a bit less likely to lose the plot.

It is normal but then it isn't.

I used to be exactly like this and also like a PP fantasising about short hospital stays. It was severe PND that only got better with antidepressants and talking therapy. Please go your GP and seek help, wishing you all the best x

I can strongly encourage you to try and pump one bottles worth a day (or combi feed and do one bottle of formula) and then split the night. Have an early dinner together, then give him the baby and you go to bed. He keeps the baby until midnight whether baby wakes or sleeps and feeds the baby at 11pm ish. Then he comes to bed and any wakes or feed after midnight are on you. It means you both can get a decent stretch of sleep.
Then on weekends each of you has a lie in on one day…which means on your lie in day, you wake and feed while he makes you a cup of tea (or gets you an orange juice..its to make sure he gets OUT of bed) and then hand the baby over to him immediately for changing and burping etc downstairs and then you appear at 8.30. On his lie ins, he is expected downstairs at 8.30 too.