I went to a very tiny primary school which was mostly filled with members of my own family 😂 (cousins on fathers side). I’m not very close to them anymore, as there is a lot of generational family trauma and we don’t have much in common apart from being related.
The family dynamics meant that we only ever socialised with our cousins, and friends were not welcome to our family home. I was an unsupervised street playing kid from about 5yo. We were also very poor from a run down council estate, so obviously in my parents wisdom, I was sent off to a very middle/upper class all girls secondary school. Here I did not have much in common with anyone either, and I assume due to my dysfunctional upbringing I did not develop a solid stable social group. I was socially acceptable at school due to being conventionally ‘normal’ size and in looks and probably a funny novelty to the sheltered girls at school as I was streetwise and slightly feral so I was not bullied at school. I was bullied by boys out of school and I was into all the teenage toxic relationships and underage drinking and petty crime stuff.
I did not go to uni as my parents refused to allow it, so I got a job, met a lad, moved out and had 2 kids by the time I was 24yo.
All the people from school had been to uni by this time and scattered across the country, and those from the rougher streets where I lived were petty criminals and as I now had kids I didn’t want to be part of that so I just moved away and had no friends.
I have one long term friend from this entire time of my whole life pre adulthood and she is lovely, I appreciate her. We only became better friends in our 30’s and we don’t see each other often. I do reach out to her to make plans but she is always busy.
I have a great job now and very stable life with lovely kids and partner. But I am lonely for friends. My partner has loads of friends and I feel like a bit of a friend loser with none of my own.
I am not good at drinking alcohol tbh, so I feel like because of this my options are very limited? I used to have more socialising options and friends when I drank socially but these nights were always absolute carnage and I hate that kind of thing now. I’m a nice drunk, but a VERY drunk type of drunk.
I am friends with girls from school on social media but I am not part of any of their groups. I am not in a friend group at work either. I made a friend with a neighbour a few years ago but they only want to go out drinking! I joined clubs and a gym to make friends but have only managed small talk in a year! I am not friends with any mums from school but we will say hi if we see each other.
I think I am sociable and outgoing, but I think subconsciously I must be telling myself that I am not good enough to be friends with people, so I am always just on the outside.
As I don’t lack opportunity to make friends, but maybe the skills can anyone give me advice? Do you just have to be able to hold your drink to make friends? As this is how it feels!