Xmas in a bad relationship

[Tearsandtinsel]

I have been married 26 years and our Relationship has gradually dwindled to nothing. No sex, (except on holiday)no affection, spend most of the time seperately in different rooms. We are perfectly civil to each other and on a day to day basis get on ok And most days I don’t even notice how bad it is with work and activities filling time
But holidays and Xmas when people generally spend time together shines a light on it. I am dreading next week just because I know I will feel crap. I know DH will make no plans for us to spend time together ( unless I organise it nothing happens) it won’t even be on his radar
We will spend Xmas day with the adult children but that is it . Do our own thing for the rest of the holidays
i am already dreading the sense of failure I will feel I share my life with someone who literally does not want to do anything with me. There is also an element of shame that I am putting up with it and just that horrible feeling like when you go to a crowded party and you are stood by yourself and every one else is talking in groups and it feels really awkward because no one is talking to you. And also it’s just really lonely. I have friends I see so generally I am not lonely but at this time of the year when the attention is on family I really feel it.
Can anyone else relate to this?
I know I can’t carry on like this my self esteem and confidence is on the floor , especially combined with the menopause
I also know that any conversation with DH will be pointless as he just doesn’t see it or will make some noise about making an effort but never does (because ultimately he just doesn’t want to)

Hi OP

Have you ever tried therapy/relationship retreats etc? it may spice up things or clarify where/how to move forward

You can only fix a relationship if both people want to do so and both put the effort in. You cant do it by yourself. Being lonely in a relationship is soul destroying. It's much, much worse than being alone. Can I ask why your confidence is so low? Is it because of the relationship?

@FPCculture No we haven’t . I did think about Relate last night but a bit of me just thinks you can’t make someone want to be with you. I have raised the lack of relationship between us a few times and he either does not see what the issue is or he makes noises that things will improve (but nothing changes)
It just feels so fake like we are in a sham marriage. I would have loved to work on this as do love my DH but I just don’t think he does me (if I asked him he would say he does). I don’t even think he sees me at all really.
I saw him talking to a neighbour the other day and I was blown away by how long they talked and how animated he was . he never talks to me like that our conversation tends to be just functional. It’s incredibly sad and on a day to day basis I just don’t notice it but then things like the neighbour happens and it shines a torch on it

@Ebokebok i think it is a combination of Menopause and also just the chipping away of the relationship. We used to watch tv together and reconnect we don’t do that now we are in seperate rooms. It’s just been the slow erosion I guess of the relationship. Also I work from home since the office closed in 2020 so am just here by myself

I think also you make excuses for a long time . Busy at work , kids taking time up. So we have no time for us. Now the excuses have gone DH is semi retired kids have moved out. still no time for us. Just the writing on the wall

The only thing keeping you in a loveless, unhappy marriage is you. You have decades left to live, don't squander them.

I know things have to change. Often you just don’t see it though day to day we get on fine but it is what I would regard as an office relationship now . The connection is not there it’s just superficial. I can see it now though and I know it is affecting my mental health so something has to be done

Make a promise to yourself that this is the last Christmas that you will spend like this. If you can’t arrange more time with family and friends this year, spend some time getting your ducks in a row with an appointment arranged with a solicitor for early in the new year. You deserve better than this in your one, short life. Grasp a new opportunity!

@Tearsandtinsel I seperated from my partner of 15 years this year due to similar issues as your relationship. I didn't want to live the rest of my years not feeling loved. For the first time in a long time I feel like such a huge weight is off my shoulders and I can now figure out my own path. Life is too short to feel unhappy and unloved every day.