This is going to be long, very long, sorry.
Met a guy via OLD in August.
Hit it off from the get go, talked for maybe 2-3 weeks before we went on a date and it’s all gone from there.
On a superficial level I love spending time with him, how easy he is to talk to, the physical side is good.
But he had a female friend that after I started seeing him, he started seeing every week on the night that I worked. They’ve known each other via online chat room for about 2-3 years and she helped him through his long term relationship breakup so I think he feels a bit indebted to her.
They’d tried dating earlier on in the year but it hadn’t worked, she admitted she still had feelings but didn’t want to lose him as a friend so they carried on seeing each other.
Something about it and his insistence on seeing her and how uncomfortable he was telling me about the first time he was going out with her gave me a nasty gut feeling.
They’d do things like he’d go and pick her up from her house (she doesn’t drive), take her to his to watch a film then he’d drive her back. Just seems a bit odd, why wouldn’t you watch the film at her house. Or just go for a drink somewhere?
She’d push to go on what were essentially dates too.
Anyway, this all came to a head and he said he felt it was a complex friendship but not a healthy one and so was going to block her. I didn’t ask him to do this btw. So far as I’m aware he’s not seen or spoken to her since.
I am not a jealous type and think friendships should be encouraged but it was his attitude to this one that felt off.
He’s explaining it as not interested in her, not his type, he felt protective of her as she always goes for men who are shits and he felt he owed her for having his back when he split with his ex. Feels plausible?
Male friend of mine thinks he was cheating, got caught so said that to placate me and is now going with what I don’t know doesn’t hurt. He thinks I’m plan B to the friend, as friend by all accounts isn’t bf usual choice so he probably wants a sensible back up. It certainly feels possible too.
Amongst all of this, what unsettled me the most was he tried to turn stuff on me - I hadn’t met his DD or family yet (we were due to do that last weekend but obvs called that off) which he wanted me to do and he felt he was being too patient with me over the issue with his friend.
My ex gaslit me and I’m not down for hanging about for anymore of that. So I called him on it. He could see it and he apologised. And interestingly he hasn’t over compensated which I thought he might try to go overly loving but almost glad he hasn’t.
Other thing is he seems to drink a lot. I bought this up and he said he had a drinking problem at uni (15 years ago) so now he has rules in place about what he drinks/when and he feels he can give it up whenever he wants.
We discussed that proportionately just because his drinking now Isn’t as bad as it once was, it doesn’t mean it’s not bad, and he said he hadn’t considered it that way, he just enjoys it but finds his tolerance level quite high so has to drink quite alot for it to have an effect.
I always find it tricky to judge what’s normal in alcohol consumption because I barely drink (not anti drink, just I’m an idiot when I drink and hangovers hurt!) and I’ve worked in pubs for a long time and seen the damage it can do.
This was a week or two ago but I don’t know how I feel bout it all now.
Part of me thinks this is daft to be tying myself in knots over someone I’ve known 4 months. Part of me thinks bin him, anyone capable of gaslighting is not someone I want to be with.
Part of me wants to see how it goes.
I don’t meet people or make friends very easily, I’ve never had a relationship where I can talk to someone the way I can him, he’s been great with some ND issues I have (in a way I genuinely didn’t know was possible and haven’t had from anyone else ever) plus when I read MN threads about alcoholics, abusive men, control freaks etc I think I’m maybe making a mountain of a molehill!
Outside opinions welcome!