Weird Friendship time

[NeverForgiveMyself]

I'm getting on a bit, retired, living in another country and this is the first time I've had any problem like this before. I have a reasonable amount of friends and acquaintances, I run both a book club and a multinational conversation group.

This friend, I have known for about 8 years is a retired single woman, we meet for coffee weekly and visit markets etc together.

She started coming to the conversation group a few months ago, and I encouraged her to rejoin the book club (she had left a couple of years ago).

A few weeks ago, I think I offended her at the conversation group when she and another person both tried to speak at the same time, and I just tried to get them to speak one at a time, but not her first. When I did turn to her, she refused to make her contribution, and at the end of the session, she really just flounced off.

I have had no contact from her for many weeks now, usually we do message each other, although she did come to the November book club meeting and avoided speaking to me.

I'm not up for drama in my life at the moment (cancer this year, operated and in remission), but I hate loose ends.

Do I contact her, ask what's going on, or just leave it? I'm feeling a bit ambivalent - a real friend wouldn't take offence that way. Perhaps she is waiting for me to make the first move? All this is so trivial in the grand scheme of things, but as I said earlier I just hate loose ends!

I'd contact (once) and be upfront, ask if there was a 'problem' (words to that effect) and that then gives her the opportunity to tell you her feelings.

Like you, I'm of an age where I cannot be bothered with dramatics. If she says 'no issues' then arrange something like you'd normally do, if she doesn't accept, then I'd go about my business, you've done your bit, loose ends now tied.

Merry Christmas

I might contact her once, address the problem "DF,clearly I have inadvertently hurt your feelings by asking someone else to talk before you. I apologise, no offence was intended. How are you?

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas- do get in contact soon, Never

I'd contact her and say

Hello Angela, your behaviour is pathetic. Unless you are going to discuss like an adult why you're not talking to me, please don't come to my book club any more.

That's really childish behavior but if it will make you feel better you could apologize...I guess?? It could set off a toxic dynamic with her though. I think in the long run it's better not to associate with messiness.

I'd pop her a breezy message once and go from there. "Hi X, it's been a while, which is unusual for us, so I'm just checking in. How are you? Is everything OK?"

I would message her, it might be worth getting her perspective of it as you might have inadvertently belittled her or something and it's always better to know and an opportunity to self reflect.
Of course she may be a drama queen and it's all as you say completely unjustified but you should have an open mind, ask and then decide what you do if anything next.

Maybe one more message - 'you seem upset, just wondering if you want to discuss it' type thing, then leave it. I find this sort of 'ignoring' behaviour quite manipulative, so wouldn't feed it too much.

I'd say something along these lines too.

Don't make reference to the previous incident. It was a something and nothing so might not even he that that she is upset about. Ebh, even if it is, it wasn't the end of the world really was it?

Like you, I don't like loose ends but have no time for drama either. Give her an opportunity to speak but don't apologise because you didn't do anything wrong.

I would ignore her and just send her a merry Christmas text as you must do every year. I wouldn't open a window for her to be more upset because is all in her mind. And as you I can't be bothered with that.

so you're saying that the friend hasn't been in touch but you also haven't been in touch with her.
why does the friend have to get in touch first.
did you approach her at the book club? you seem to be accusing her of exactly the same thing that your doing....ignoring.
it annoys me when someone says she ignored me,but they also haven't said hello to that person.

@bloodyeffinnora As the book club met at my home that time, I said hello, welcomed her in and complimented her on her cake, but I didn't say that in my op, so you weren't to know.

As for everyone else, I think a casual text may be the way forward. If she responds, I'll post again.

I would hate to think I had unwittingly offended her.