Feeling tense when partner is with parents and siblings. Is this normal?

[Hannamana]

Does anyone else feel on edge when your partner is with your parents and siblings?

I've been with my husband for 4 years. When we're staying with my family, I am often on edge and worry about how he comes across.

He's often charming, but he can be abrupt. I wonder if I'm being too sensitive and if my family aren't as offended as i think they might be. Today I worried that he snapped at my dad.

Was wondering if it's a normal thing to feel tense when your partner is with your family? And maybe to read too much into things.

I feel so much more relaxed when he's not there.

People usually prefer when people are themselves so ease up a bit and let him be himself .

Under the circumstances I wouldn’t say you’re unreasonable if he can be abrupt. Is he aware of this? What was the conversation about which led him to snap at your dad?

My dh is also abrupt but my family has got used to it over the years. He has good qualities that balance it out so although not ideal it's fine

Not on edge. I do shoot him the odd “shut up” glance! But I don’t really have to worry about either side being particularly offended.

Have you had a sit down with him to let him know? If you say that it's stressing you out to hear him be abrupt with your family, would he be likely to take it on board and try to be more soft around them? Have you spoken to your family to ask if he comes across rude and to explain he doesn't intend to be? Communication is key!

Well, if his manners are poor, his style of conversation ‘abrupt’ and he snapped at your father, I’m not surprised you’re on edge.

I felt like this when I was with husband. He was quite serious whereas my family are all people who love a laugh. I was always tense that they thought he was boring and difficult to talk to

Honestly, you should relax. You have been married for four years and obviously together much longer. Your family will know your husband’s personality well by now and if they had any major issues with him, they would have said something long before now.

Not normal no. My family love my husband and we’re all relaxed in each other’s company. I’m not sure I’d have married him if this weren’t the case.

Do you really like him?
Is he abrupt or controlling and dismissive?

I'm on edge not because of DH - simply because my dad is rather eccentric and it's easy to annoy him. So a harmless remark from my DH (or me or anyone else) can make him annoyed.
If you're husband is actually snapping at your parents whilst they're being hospitable towards him, then yes I'd be tense!

No, I don't think it is. But I do actually wonder if dh feels this way about me when his family visits. 😂Honestly, I am completely over them. I don't mind them in small doses, but they literally won't visit unless they get an AI holiday out of it, so it's always several days of feeding and watering them and coming up with ways to entertain them and them just sitting around the kitchen drinking half the time and I'm completely bored of their existence. I'd love to meet them for lunch or a walk or coffee. But I'm annoyed and resentful at them parking up in my house to relax for days on end.

Even when we go to visit them, we can't actually stay with them (no room or not welcome to) so have to get a holiday let (£££) and then they come over and still park up to be fed and watered (£££). Last time we did that BIL and SIL slept in their bloody van in the drive so they could be at ours eating our food and drinking our drink, instead of inviting us to theirs for a meal. 9 hour drive to see them and never saw the inside of their house once - we still did all the hosting! So I am sure I come across as bloody well fed up and annoyed to see them in my kitchen and yes, probably does put dh on edge. 😂I do try to make myself scarce, but depending on which of dh's family is visiting, dh does too, so it's a game of who can run away faster and leave the other to have to deal with our visitors. I suspect it does come across as weird!

Sorry, that doesn't answer your question. But I do think family visits can be stressful and tense for lots of complex reasons.

Thank you everyone for your perspectives and sorry that it's taken me a while to post a thank-you!