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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this bother you?

21 replies

Catladyireland · 17/12/2023 22:04

Hi Mumsnet,

Hope you're all getting ready for the festive season x

Just need to know if I'm being a sensitive woman or if this is hurtful. I've been seeing a guy for a few months and it often feels he is mainly interested in sex. I have recently changed careers and have to go back to college to retrain for this for the past two years. I graduated on Thursday (he couldn't make it, which is totally fine) but tonight he made a strange comment and I realised he didn't know what I had been studying. He said I didn't tell him but I clearly had and told him multiple times during my thesis writing.

I suppose this just feels really embarrassing and if it was a sexual memory, he'd know it. Over reaction or not? I laughed at the time but it's seeped in and is bothering me.

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 17/12/2023 22:07

It reads like he's not that interested/invested in you. How do you feel when you are with him? Is he attentive, caring? Is he happy to do stuff together without sex being on the cards?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 22:11

You know that something is missing. The connection you need from him is not there. A man who was truly interested in you as a person would remember what you've told him, and he clearly can't be bothered. Be smart and end it.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 22:12

Why do you feel the need to judge your sensitivity? It's like saying 'I went to see a film and it was too loud, am I being too sensitive?' or 'I ate some food and it was too hot, am I being too sensitive?'

Your sensitivities are your preferences. Minimise them, and you minimise yourself.

You didn't like what he said. You don't like what it represents, in his way of thinking. It's bothering you. If you tell him it's bothering you, what do you expect him to say?

Opentooffers · 17/12/2023 22:13

If a big important part of my life had been so effortlessly forgotten by another, despite having been mentioned many times, yea, I'd take issue with it. I'd also see them as too self-absorbed. He'd better of had a good excuse for missing your graduation- but maybe that was too big a deal to be inviting a BF of only 3 months to anyway? You should be inviting family or friends only to pivotal moments in life. Perhaps you are seeing things as being deeper than they really are, or should be at this early stage of dating. Seems you might be giving too much to someone who really isn't feeling it on a deep level.

Original poster

Catladyireland · 17/12/2023 22:18

I did invite my friends and family to my graduation but I also invited him. He was working and that didn't bother me at all. We've been together 11 months.

I think if I tell him he will over react and act like I'm being too sensitive. He will make it about him and how bad he feels to have forgotten so I'm trying to carefully word it.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 22:18

Just need to know if I'm being a sensitive woman

What does this mean? Where have you got the idea that being sensitive and being a woman are things to be dismissed as unimportant?

DaftyLass · 17/12/2023 22:18

Does he make you feel loved?
Would you rather be with someone thoughtful?

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 22:19

I think if I tell him he will over react and act like I'm being too sensitive. He will make it about him and how bad he feels to have forgotten

Why do you want a relationship with someone who minimises your feelings and makes things about himself when you're hurt?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2023 22:24

He will make it about him and how bad he feels to have forgotten so I'm trying to carefully word it.

It's very sad that you clearly don't see this for the huge red flag that it is.

He has already trained you to walk on eggshells when it comes to his precious ego. How he feels matters, how you feel is either irrelevant or stupid.

You should be sprinting for the hills.

Shouldershoulder · 17/12/2023 22:29

He will make it about him and how bad he feels to have forgotten so I'm trying to carefully word it.

Why are you bothered about how he feels when he isn't bothered about hurting you?

Original poster

Catladyireland · 17/12/2023 22:30

Apologies for the wording of just being a sensitive woman,I wrote it quickly and I was projecting what I thought he might think.

Part of me was just unsure to throw something away over this but a basic knowledge of a person you have in your life seems a bare minimum. Makes me realise does he never speak about me or my life to others in his or take an interest

OP posts:

Original poster

Catladyireland · 17/12/2023 22:32

And acting like I didn't tell him is so defensive.

Just apologise and say you fecked up.

OP posts:

HazelWicker · 17/12/2023 22:34

I read something recently which said if you're confused or unsure how they feel something is wrong. For you to have this uncertainty about whether it's mainly sex or you as a person, I think there could be something in it

MILTOBE · 17/12/2023 22:44

Out with the old and in with the new, OP.

He wasn't at all interested in your studies. Your studies are over now so you'll move on there. Time to move on from this waste of space, too.

Put him in the bin, as they say on MAFS Australia!

chocolateaddict231 · 17/12/2023 22:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

RandomForest · 17/12/2023 22:53

Naw, I'd bin him.

Next time he calls just say who's this ?

chocolateaddict231 · 17/12/2023 22:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 17/12/2023 23:03

Some people are just really forgetful and remembering day to day info can be hard for them but it's all about his reaction.

He should apologise, say he will try harder and make it up to you. Not this drama.

ClareBlue · 17/12/2023 23:08

So the last 11 months you have been with him and during this time you have been studying and writting a thesis and doing all your course work and maybe exams and he doesn't even know what you have been studying. I would be pissed off with that too.
And you say he makes you feel it is just about the sex. I think your feelings are correct.

Watchkeys · 17/12/2023 23:11

but a basic knowledge of a person you have in your life seems a bare minimum

Your basic happiness is a bear minimum. You don't need a checklist of 'correct' or 'appropriate' behaviours.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/12/2023 23:50

It's not that he messed up though. It's the fact that he wasn't interested from the beginning, otherwise he would remember what you were studying.

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