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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner previous arrests?

9 replies

12ToPumba · 17/12/2023 19:17

My BF and I met some of his friends this weekend. We stayed over and there was a fair amount of booze, which was funny overall until they said a few things about my BF which unsettled me. Apparently a few arrests for "stupid" stuff, and one assault one. His friends thought it was hilarious that I didn't know about it which made me feel like an idiot.
I tried to stay out of it and asked my BF about it later but was reluctant to talk about it (he had seemed fine when they were all laughing about it though!). He did explain some of it, but it was obvious that he didn't want to have this discussion at all. I know that this alone doesn't mean a lot but I never knew and I don't know how to feel about it. I just don't think I know anyone who has been arrested multiple times before! We've been together 2 years and I never even thought about anything like this.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2023 19:36

Well I mean it's not great is it?

Has there been any reason for concern before now? Eg: does he drink a little too much?

How long ago did these things happen?
Did he do time for the assault?

wizzywig · 17/12/2023 19:38

Request a Clare's law disclosure.

SgtJuneAckland · 17/12/2023 19:41

You can make a Claire's law request, if there are things his friends are joking about there might be other things too. The police will decide if there's anything that may pose a risk to you and if so will make a disclosure.

I don't think it bodes well that he's hidden this kind of thing from you either, surely there's been opportunity in two years to say look when I was younger I made some bad decisions, I've changed xyz about my life and I am embarrassed that was me, it's not anymore. Imstead he waits for a mate to bring it up and laughs about it

CaroleSinger · 17/12/2023 20:02

The assault one would worry me, perhaps the others not so much. My DH has a criminal record and told me immediately the first day we met. He was only 17 at the time and it wasn't treated as an adult crime. He was living in a squat with some hippies. One day he filled a trolley up in a supermarket and walked out the door with it and nobody stopped him, so he went back and tried it again and got caught. Being a bit rubbish at shoplifting and assault would be slightly different to me. It's about honesty. I was able to get past it because I had that honesty from him from day one, but you didn't. How important is honesty to you? If he told you at the start, would you have stayed? If he came clean and told you everything now would you be able to trust him and move on from it?

12ToPumba · 17/12/2023 20:27

Thanks. I think I'd be OK if he had told me but I just feel a bit lost with this now.
No concerns before now at all. Most of the "nonsense" stuff seemed to be a while back but not all of it, so I guess he is different when he is with his friends. Isn't Clare's Law for DV concerns only?

OP posts:
AllAroundMyCat · 17/12/2023 20:30

I'd be jumping ship.
Sorry.

FayCarew · 17/12/2023 20:31

Isn't Clare's Law for DV concerns only? I was told that assault wouldn't show up.
For an assault to be DV, the couple needs to be co-habiting.

Applerumleandcustard · 17/12/2023 20:32

He’d be my ex by now

wizzywig · 17/12/2023 21:29

I thought it was any relationship @FayCarew ?

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