I'd be interested to see what the users of Mumsnet think of our families situation.
My wife and I have been married for just over a year now. We have a 2 and half year old child. Our relationships started around 3 years ago and, as you can see, progressed very quickly.
We are both sensible, responsible people (at least at face value). We have respectable jobs that demand responsibility. We are university educated and come from seemingly decent families in many respects.
We met at work and quickly fell for each other. I asked her out for a date and mutual interest in one another followed quickly.
It came to light that my wife's mother was terminally ill and passed away a few months after we met. Despite this my wife spoke very openly about wanting a husband and family as soon as possible. I've always wanted similar and loved the idea of settling with someone. I decided to allow myself to go with my heart rather than my head.
Our relationship rapidly escalated and resulted in an unexpected pregnancy very early on in our partnership. This was related to the fact that my wife was unwilling to use contraception due to her religious beliefs.
Our first year with our child proved challenging and involved us finding a place to live together, juggling work responsibilities, financial pressures, lack of family support (especially as wife's family mostly abroad), childcare logisitics. We survived it and managed to organise a wedding as well - we were under some pressure to do so given wife's religious beliefs.
We've subsequently worked hard to gain some stability. Both our careers have progressed allowing a better work-life balance, we have plans to buy our first place and have managed to protect our daughter from most of the turmoil (good nursery, play groups, toddler friends, family trips etc.). This has been the main driving force for me.
The darker side to all of this is that truthfully we are in an abusive relationship. All of the above has been peppered with terrible fights that range from verbal abuse through to being physical. At my worst I lashed out at her with an open hand (after being shouted at, locked in the house and pushed and slapped for a couple of hours). It scared me and it's caused a lot of confusion. I feel ashamed and it troubles me that I'm now a man who is physical with women. We are in couples counselling trying to work through these problems. In my opinion, the arguments mostly come from my wife, I've played my part but rarely initiate fights. She is prone to angry outbursts and verbal abuse. It's transpired that her father was very similar whilst she was growing up. She has told me about episodes of physical and verbal abuse. Whilst she has acknowledged that this does not excuse her behaviour it's still very difficult to be in a relationship with someone like this. I find myself 'walking on eggshells' a lot, and trying to fix her. I often feel that I am responsible for her emotions and blame myself for when she's in a crisis. She has no friends, is very mistrustful of others, often suspects people are conspiring against her (often my family and friends - who have been nothing but tolerant and supportive). I find it very hard not to get drawn into arguments with her, there is a feeling of inevitability that things will end badly when we fight. At worst she goads me until I fight with her. I find it soul-destroying going through this repetitive, destructive cycle that causes chaos in my families life.
I realise I'm not perfect and I'm trying to look at myself honestly and improve (individual counselling, organising couples counselling for us, looking after my general health - exercise, minimal alcohol etc.) I'm a fairly resilient person having been through a few things in life (my father's suicide in my early teens, my line of work etc.). I'm motivated and consider myself to be a mostly decent person (although this period in my life has made me question that).
I genuinely have been trying to help and support her. I know that she is vulnerable and has had a tough relationship with her father. It's hard to keep that perspective on her when being treated so poorly myself. At my lowest moments I feel a fool and that she is taking advantage of my efforts and persistence. I wonder if our situation is salvageable and even if it is, what will be left? I don't know what's best for my daughter and whether to continue to support my wife.