My brother...

[BG2015]

I am the eldest of three children. I have 2 younger brothers.
We are now 54, 52 and 51.

My parents are 78 and 81. Brought up in a loving family. Parents always very supportive in all we've done regardless of what it was.

I've been married, now divorced but have been in a stable loving relationship for the last 9 years. I have 2 adult sons. Successful teaching career and apart from my divorce and some health issues, life has been good.

My youngest brother also happily married with 2 children now both older teens. Successful in his job working for the local council.

My middle brother has always been a bit of a black sheep. Great character, very fun loving and kind. His nephews and niece always loved him as children. Spent the majority of his life travelling, never married, owned his own house or has had a stable job. Failed university as he didn't get up for an exam in time.

About 12 years ago he returned from a spate of travelling and moved in with my parents, living rent free. He attempted to invent something and took over my parents house. My parents tolerated this to an extent and even invested in it. But, as his typical to my brother he was very untidy and lived an upside down day, awake all night and sleeping all day. My parents ended up having a massive argument with him and he moved out and lived in London and continued to work on his invention. He got backing for it and had an area in Somerset House that he could work on it and rented a room somewhere in London.

Bridges were built and he did patch things up with my parents and stayed with us for Christmas for a few years.

Then Covid hit and his invention failed. He was about to travel to China for parts. He moved back up to the Midlands and rented a house in our city. Still not working, so none of us know how he's earning money. He's developed into quite an opinionated idiot now, laughs at what we talk about and is very critical of things we do.

I fear he's lived alone for too long.

He's basically now alienated himself from us all. We've tried to include him in family BBQS, birthdays, parties etc of which he's come to some but refused others.

My parents celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary recently and we took them to Cumbria to celebrate in a big house for the weekend. We (my younger brother & I) included him in all the preparations for this but he refused to commit to contributing or even agreed to come. We both asked him both, separately via messenger if he was coming and were ignored.

My mum is SO upset by his actions. She rings, emails, texts, wattsapp him and he ignores her. If/when he does reply, he answers with monosyllabic words.

I'm disgusted and very disappointed with his behaviour. Our parents are in good health but this isn't always going to be the case.
They have supported him, loved him unconditionally and always had his back and he is rewarding them by ignoring them.

Ive told my mum that we can't make someone be part of our family if they don't want to be, but he's her son and she loves him.

Thank you if you've read this far.

You’re right, you can’t make someone be part of a family, tell your mother to Accept it and reduce her expectations

So hard when you're elderly and your son has basically rejected you.

My brother is a bit like that, except that he's been in a terrible relationship with a woman who dominated him and alienated him from us. He's basically a man child, very immature, doesn't take any responsibility for anything, thinks it's his birth right to get money from my parents and acts very selfishly. He will ignore when he doesn't want to talk/respond.

These kind of people rarely change and if they do, they're probably looking for something for themselves. Sad but true, I've detached myself now as I know how much he's hurt me and my parents. They will always love their son, you can't make that emotion go away.

I think when he was younger and travelling, it was exciting, he was pushing against 'the norm' now he's realised, he has nothing.

My younger brother and I have what he wants now, stability, children, a house and career. I think he's jealous.

I also think he's probably a bit embarrassed- he's in his fifties and failed at all he's done.

Is there are signs of neurodiversity? I'm ND myself and I can't stand neurotypical stuff such as celebrating things that people usually enjoy. It makes me feel super uncomfortable. Also how you described your brother is how I've been- changing jobs a lot, trying to set up business which haven't taken off.

It's not fair that he's being ignorant to his parents, however he may be feeling like an outsider due to his choices in life and therefore spending time with his family could be pretty intense.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, he could just be an arsehole.

I think your mother would have better luck reconnecting with your brother if she backed off, honestly. Barraging him with message and calls clearly isn't working, and it's probably making things worse.

You and your parents need to accept that nothing you do will change him. For as painful as it is, you have to let this go.

I have a few brothers and have one who is very similar to yours. He has a partner now and it seems to have alienated him even more, even though we all really adore her.

He’s since removed himself from a family chat over
talk about Christmas visits etc.
Myself and my other siblings don’t want to cause an argument so have left him to it with him knowing
that he’s always welcome in our homes.

Sadly there’s not much you can do. Like you, my parents are of good health but getting older so we live in hope that he will change his mind about being an active part but ultimately, he’s happy with his life and is happy with the amount of communication with our family so we need to leave it be.

I would reach out to your brother and wish him well.
Say it would mean a lot to your parents but also you and your other brother, if you could arrange a catch up over Christmas. Leave an open invite and let him respond when he’s ready.

Drug use? I had a similar brother who made my father’s life hell. He eventually died fairly young from drugs and smoking.

Walk away, he will not improve

@Hiddenvoice I think you may be right

@TodayInahurry no drug use, he's a vegetarian and a bore with it but always accommodated within our houses.

Families are complicated, we don't all like each other and get along.
When people have made their choices there isn't anything that can be done.
You can't force them.
Understand how upsetting it is for your mum though.
She won't be alone there are alot of people out there with similar problems. Families eh.

Got one of those in our family. Ignores any contact from his parents and his siblings until he wants something. Very childish and self-centred.

I think everyone has accepted now that that's the way he is, and we just get on with familying without him.

No one has heard from or seen my brother since September. That was the last online contact we had. It may have been Christmas 2022 when we last physically saw him.

The house he rents is always empty when my parents visit. The bins are empty.

All emails/texts etc have been ignored.

He removed himself from the family wattsapp group in October.

He's a 53 year old man but when do we become worried. No one knows where he is.

Have you thought about doing a welfare check via the police?

Had to do this with my dad (who was very much like your brother with his disappearing acts, schemes and ignorance). Not to scare you but when we finally found him he’d been dead for 3 weeks.

I agree that you should ask for a welfare check, Op.

I think he sounds like he feels disappointed and jaded with how things have turned out. When his life was fun and exciting you guys were the boring ones who lived staid middle of the road lives. I think it’s hard to go from seeing yourself as a dynamic person to where he is now. He probably feels like he’s failed.

I would also try to get a welfare check for him.

Absolutely ask for a welfare check from the police.

I think you should get a welfare check too. Do you even know if he's still living there? I read the whole thread without noticing the date and I thought the reason he pulled away was because he didn't have the money to contribute.

If he wasn't working then it's unlikely he'd be able to put money towards a holiday.

Presumably a welfare check involves the Police visiting the house and seeing if he's there/ok- the parents have already been and noted he's not and the bins are empty.

It's possible he's moved in that time and not told anyone where he's gone. I'm not sure what the requirements are for reporting him as a missing person, but in your shoes I'd call 101 for advice- from what I've read before if the Police can track him down they can report back that he's not missing but doesn't want contact if indeed that's the case (which it sounds like).

Your poor parents/family OP, it sounds really difficult for you all.

I'd ask police to do a welfare check - if he's not at the house there are other checks they can do.
Have you sent him a message on WhatsApp & messenger? It'll at least tell you if it's delivered - that might ease your mind in knowing he's still active in his phone is working or calling from a withheld number.

Your Mom will always hold hope he'll come good, join the family again, just be there to hand hold when he's not and help her appreciate the people she has. Unfortunately we cannot make our siblings be what we'd like them to be

He was on WhatsApp on 22 February so at least he's alive.
He has it set up though so it doesn't show the 2 blue ticks. Don't know how he does it but he is a bit techy.

I'm going to reach out again via WhatsApp.

I would contact police for a wellfare check. If he was last online in February then that’s a long while ago. I can hide when I was last online to certain people on WhatsApp, it’s just changed in the settings.

Families difficult op. A worry with elderly parents. Hope he can reach out.