Advice on how to leave

[Elephantflower]

I am looking for a bit of practical / emotional advice as I’m starting to seriously consider leaving my husband after Christmas. I am 34 and he is 35, we’ve been together 10 years and married 18 months. We don’t have children.

I won’t dwell too much on reasons but: Things haven’t been great for about 6 months. We’ve had a relatively sexless relationship (sex every 2-3 months or so…) for about five years and it’s getting worse, communication isn’t making it better. I wanted to TTC soon, he was/is a lot less motivated, & did not want to make changes in lifestyle/work etc to make TTC and having a family more feasible which put things under pressure.

This has culminated in something that I very very heavily regret which is that I’ve had two drunken one night stands with the same man, four months apart (a man connected to my work but who I don’t work with on a daily basis). After the second OM and I briefly spoke to agree we would actively avoid each other to make sure this never happened again, and he is also married, so to be clear I’m very much not leaving my DH for OM…. however, I do find myself often obsessing about OM and think this is a ultimate sign / symptom how strongly things aren’t working. DH knows nothing about this.

DH is a lovely man and my best friend and I love him and hate the thought of destroying his life.

I wouldn’t leave til after Christmas. DH knows we’ve been having problems and we’re arguing more and more frequently but I think would still be very shocked that it got this far and that I’d be making a decision like this. I have mentioned counselling but he wasn’t keen.

We own a house together. I could afford to buy him out (which would leave him with enough money to start over) and live there alone, he couldn’t vice versa buy me out or pay mortgage by himself. My strong preference would be to continue to live here alone and buy him out rather than sell the house.

Neither of us have family near. We both have local friends/social networks but I’d say that I both (1) have more friends in general and (2) the friends I do have are closer to me so I worry about his support network.

My family are a couple of hours away and I think I could stay there for a while commuting in 1 day a week but it wouldn’t be a feasible long term solution. Although DH could stay with his family for short periods of time, he couldn’t commute in from where they are.

I guess I’m just looking for advice really from other people who have left from a couple of angles.

(1) How would I do this in the kindest way to not absolutely destroy this wonderful man’s life. Do I tell him about what I did or not. I do - despite everything - love my husband and hate myself for what I did. I’m just starting to think maybe I love him more as a companion/ best friend… and I’m only 34… and I don’t know if I can have this little sex forever (I know this sounds very shallow and I hate myself for having this feeling).

(2) Any practical thoughts on what would be fair logistically. I’ve already accepted I’d go and stay with my parents for a while and hopefully agree with my work that I would only would come in 1 x a week whilst figuring life out, but given I pay most of the mortgage anyway I wouldn’t want to do this indefinitely. How much time would be reasonable to give him to leave. Or do we stay together in the house, but that sounds extremely painful.

(3) Or am I making a huge mistake by considering this and throwing away the love of my life because of MY screw up, which didn’t mean anything (I have no emotional connection with OM, physical attraction only). Honestly this time a year ago I never would have imagined this and always thought me and DH would start a family, but now if I leave I may never be a mother (which maybe is what I deserve). After another big argument last night this is the closest I’ve come to feeling like I’ve made the decision to go, but still I wake up and he’s wonderful and kind again and I have to ask myself is this something I’ll forever regret.

I feel so lost and alone so any thoughts welcome. Non-judgemental would be appreciated - I know what I’ve done is truly awful and please rest assured I absolutely hate myself for it.

Tough times. What you are dealing with is not easy so it will take some sensitivity.

You don't have children together and your reasons for the split sound valid, they're not just a temporary feeling by the sound of things.

Personally, I'd not tell him about the affair. It's just be salt in the wound and if leaving you need to make it clear why you are unhappy and what you are missing in a compassionate way.

There may be posters here who might tell you that after kids you might be less bothered about sex. It really depends on how important kids are, what your libido is (or whether you're just missing intimacy and appreciation) and makes for a very tough decision as to weighing up a good life partner/father versus a couple decades of dissatisfaction.

Feeling bad about what you did is natural but in the scheme of things small so there's no point staying in your guulty bubble, it's clouding your judgement. But, you can't do things like that going forward and expect it to not affect you and others, it's not the path of integrity nor a place for you to feel good about your own self.

Good luck with everything, a break and time away might help clarify things.

OP, you want children and a relationship with intimacy, both of which are perfectly natural. The one night stands weren't a good idea but symptomatic of your unhappiness.

If you are sure your marriage can't be saved, then I'd sit down with your dh in the new year and explain that you want children, you are 34 and he is obviously not keen so you want to separate to give yourself a chance of being a parent.

Explain that you would buy him out of the house so you can both move on without struggling. Be calm and firm. There's no need to mention the ONS, that would be unnecessarily hurtful. But equally stop feeling guilty. A sexless marriage can feel very lonely.

I'm not sure he is wonderful & kind, he isn't motivated to ttc which is what would make you happy. If he doesn't want children then he needs to be honest about that because it's time to move on with your life and if he doesn't want the same as you, then you need to look elsewhere.