*Trigger warning* Is this enough to end it over?

[Insomniahasclearlygotme]

Like the username says it's past 3am and I'm still awake thinking of all the ways I've currently fucked up.

4 years ago DP started into a bout of depression. I begged him to get help, he refused and it got progressively worse. He wouldn't speak to me, prioritised his mom over DS, ignored DS at times, did nothing g round the house, wouldn't sort appointments for DS, childcare etc.

2020 hit and it got worse, I put a lot down to covid and "everyone has it worse than us" etc. For two years it got progressively worse. It came to a head following our anniversary. He made a huge deal about dressing up nice and going out somewhere, and so I did. Where we ended up in the local pub (not a problem in itself, just don't hype it up into something it's not) where he proceeded to ignore me for the two hours I could take it. In that time I walked away to cry in the toilets twice, cancelled my food order, was apologised to by two guys at the bar for his behaviour and started to walk home. He didn't notice until 30 minutes after I left.

I planned to leave that night.

He confessed he was suicidal at that point and I told him outright he needed help. That from this point he has a year to get his act together or I would leave. I wasn't expecting miracles, but small improvements. Shortly after DS started his autism diagnosis and because of self harming he was under CAHMS care. I was on my own for all this, I was sworn to secrecy for it all by DP. It was at this point he got controlling during sex. After the third time of me having to make him listen to no, I said I wanted space from him, no physical touch until the emotional connection and communication is back.

For the first six months or so he blamed me for everything. Put no effort into our family and told me he resented me for our son. That his autism was my fault, that he's "with me because it's easier than starting again" and "well I would have married you but I didn't want to spend the money on a big wedding". I never wanted a big wedding, it's just not me, I'd be happy with nipping to the registry office for an hour. I wanted a marriage.

A few months ago he ended up drunk, pinned me to the bed and had forceful sex with me, no matter how many times I said no. It hurt actually. I've tried to get over this. I can't.

This week I've been having panic attacks at the thought of spending Christmas with him. I can't do it, I'm petrified of those free days. I know the second I say I can't do this anymore it will turn nasty. I can't help but think if I had pushed him harder at the beginning it wouldn't have gotten to this. I can't help but think about how I'm about to destroy DS's life.

I'm just so sad, it wasn't always bad, but the last few years have been unbearable. Is this enough to throw 16 years and the life I've built, away?

My best friend opened my eyes a little tonight when he said it was rape and do I really want DS growing up with that influence?

Have I done enough? How do I end it?

I think you have a lot of reasons to end this relationship. You deserve to be treated well and with kindness. 🫂

I don’t have any practical advice for you, but that sounds like an awful situation OP. Yes that was rape. And I don’t think you leaving will ruin DS’s life, I think it will improve it. You’ll be happier, you won’t have to hide.

Your DH asking you to keep DS’s diagnoses a secret means he’s ashamed of him. You’re not. Why keep it a secret? That’s how things get worse.

From what you’ve said here, I really think both your lives will be better if you go. I’m sure someone will be along with much more practical support that I can give you, but good luck.

Please leave. I have been there with a man I was with since I was 15. I was with him for 23 years and “threw that away”. But really what are you throwing away?
Your mental health and peaceful home life are far better than clinging on to some distant happy memories.

You can do this as you have endured the worst of it, time for you to live the life you deserve and your son to get away from this bad influence of a “man”

You don't need any reason to end a relationship beyond "It isn't working for me".

Since you've asked, though:

Is this enough to throw 16 years and the life I've built, away?

You didn't spend 16 years building THIS life, did you?
You're not throwing anything away, it's already gone.

He said it was rape and do I really want DS growing up with that influence?

Yes, it was rape. Your son's living in a toxic, angry environment where his mother's not treated with respect and care. What do you think he's learning from it?

How do I end it?

From what you've said, it'd be unwise to announce it. Make sure everything's ready, then just do it. Ensure you have another adult with you.

Whose place are you living in? How are the finances?

I agree it wouldn't be a good idea to tell him in advance. However, leaving him would be the best thing you could do with your life. Would you consider going to the police about the rape? That's what it was of course.

You really do deserve so much more than this awful man. So does your child.

You're being abused;please consider contacting women's aid and rape crisis for support.

Please end this awful relationship;you don't have to be with someone to co parent your children.

Take your son and leave. No man has the right to rape you

You’ve done more than enough and in response to that you’ve been raped and emotionally abused by the person you should be the safest with. Your ds will also have been negatively impacted by exposure to your relationship (even if you have tried your hardest to limit a negative impact) and so while there may be challenges associated with leaving, he will no doubt benefit from it.
In terms of next steps you must contact a local domestic abuse charity and seek guidance from them. Leaving can increase the risk so it’s best to do it in a planned way with careful thought. You are strong enough to weather the challenges though as you’ve survived 15 years of this relationship. You should also seek legal advice and tell as many trusted friends and family as you can, as you will need their support. Finally I’d consider reporting this to the police. He has committed a despicable crime. With rape conviction rates as they are I know that might not sound appealing but it might be helpful to have an official record of your allegation even if it doesn’t progress to court.

Op he raped you actually raped you in your own home in your own bed and didn’t stop no matter how many times you said no.

please contact woman’s aid and rape crisis and try and reach out to the police

he needs to leave you deserve so much more and so much better

he’s abusive, his mental health is not your problem it’s down to him to change it.

your post has made my stomach flip for you please please please go and get help don’t stay a moment longer

It was rape.

Speak to Women's Aid and Rape Crisis for support. You could potentially go into refuge and decide your next moves from there.

You're not destroying your child's life. Divorce/parents splitting up isn't the end of the world. Mum being reduced to a shell of herself by dad's abuse is far worse.

Oh OP your absolute priority is to leave - for you and your son.

Yes that was rape, but there are more than enough reasons to finish it anyway.

Your son will be much much happier not living in the house with this awful, physically and emotionally abusive man.

You both deserve so much better - please talk to women’s aid, rape crisis, and your family and friends and leave.

It sounds like he may get more abusive if you tell him you’re leaving, so don’t - just do it. Women’s aid can advise on how to leave an abusive man without endangering yourself

I had already made up my mind that this was a ltb after the 3rd paragraph. Please do yourself a favour and get him out. Go to the police and tell them what happened, they can be there to make him leave.
This isn't about his depression or alcohol abuse, this is about him as a man. Don't be fooled that getting help for his depression and alcohol will make him a nice person, he is a horrible abuser made worse by the issues he is choosing not to fix.

More than enough to leave and ignore his “suicidal” threats when they inevitably comes. That isn’t your problem. It’s his.

Don't tell him you are leaving. Talk to Womans Aid and make an exit plan. He is a very abusive man you need help to leave as safely as possible.

@Insomniahasclearlygotme He raped you.

I don’t understand these questions, you can end a relationship any time you wish, for any reason, there is no benchmark and you need to stay until then.

look after yourself, end your relationship. Today.

Firstly yes he's raped you. And the times when he coerced you were also rape.
Secondly he's not suicidal. That's just a line he tries out whenever you tell him you've had enough.
Third, he will never change. You've been waiting for YEARS for him to change. Instead of changing, he's finding ways to punish you (the night out at the pub - punishment).
But must importantly, you need support for your son, not a partner who ignores him.
You must leave, but safely. Get advice from woman's aid. Leave this abusive rapist

He raped you.

Please contact whatever is available for help to leave a domestic violence situation, make a plan and go. Don’t tell him. Just go.

What is this 'man' doing for your son, than means you feel you need to keep the family together for him?

He rapes his mother
He ignores him
He ignores his diagnosis
He keeps his diagnosis secret - because he's ashamed of him
He blames his mother for his SEN
He treats his mother and probably him like dirt demonstrating no respect.

I'm sure you could add more to this list. But you don't need to.

If you won't leave this relationship for you- leave it for your son. You both deserve better!

Thank you all for your replies. I managed to fall asleep for a few hours.

I don't know why it never occurred to me before now. I know that if a friend came to me with this I would have told her leave and opened my door to her. I suppose it's more difficult to see when it's yourself.

To answer some questions. I'm lucky in that I have a good job, I'd be able to go rent somewhere whilst I sort the rest out. I don't have huge savings because I pay all the bills here but enough for a small deposit.

The house is in both our names, but that's the only joint asset. I don't want it. I'm happy to leave and for him to buy me out. That will be a fight though he put the deposit down whilst I paid the fees, so he'll want all that back and to keep the house.

Custody will be interesting. He will want DS and DDog purely because I do.

I'm going to need to get a solicitor.

Hope your okay OP wishing you strength to get through this we are all routing for you on here and I hope by this time next year you’ll be free of him and happier

He raped you.

He has ignored you, belittled you, blamed you, criticised you, hurt you.

You don't need our blessing to leave him. You'd be completely justified to leave him.

Be happy.

Wishing you strength OP

Custody will be interesting. He will want DS and DDog purely because I do. this is why you also need to get the police involved - if it wasn't reported to the police then as far as the custody court is concerned it didn't happen. Good luck with everything.

So I've spent the day planning, trying to work out what I need and how to get it. I'm waiting for him to go to work, to get paperwork and a few things together before I leave the house, knowing it's more than likely the last time I'll be in it.

Then the three of us (DDog included) are going to stay with my friend, he doesn't know where that is so we'll be safe there for a while.

New Year, New Life.

I need to change my outlook, I need to do this for DS and give him better.

I agree. Go to the police over the rape. Report everything. Good luck.