It's been done before but... approaching husband with concerns over his weight / health

[FusionChefGeoff]

DH was always big but was rugby fit when we met. Then slowly got bigger, slowly got much less fit. The occasional burst of bike related exercise but doesn't stick at anything. Diet has always been poor with huge portions and a massive sweet tooth.

I've noticed this year he's been particularly sedentary and has really started to look like he's actually 'carrying' weight rather than just being big. He also drinks quite a bit (I think) but I'm a recovering alcoholic so find that very hard to assess / judge from a sensible angle!

I am really worried that at 46 he really needs to be a lot healthier and that a lot of that would come from eating much better, cutting down drinking and losing weight.

I have never said anything to him. I have always been a healthy eater; have had sustained periods of low carb / low UPF eating but he just doesn't join me and eats the kids option ie with all the carbs / crap. Eg lunch today was leftover roast chicken. I had the classic MN massive salad with mine, he had 3 x hash brown and beans.

Do I just continue to say nothing and hope that he has an epiphany before a huge health crisis prompts one?? Or has anyone successfully managed to negotiate encouraging someone to decide to make healthier choices without crushing their self esteem...

If you can't be direct and honest with your spouse about important issues, I don't see the point in being married.

I would make time when you can sit together privately and talk about this. You being a recovering alcoholic has bestowed you with a lot of wisdom, empathy and experience for making major life changes, I'm sure.

And very well done on your sobriety. That is something to be immensely proud of.

I would just say you’ve noticed he’s gaining weight and not exercising and you are concerned about his health. What does he think?

it’ll probably take a few conversations

You sound like you like to adopt quite extreme diets (no carb) - he’s more likely to get on with a balanced approach

Congrats on the sobriety

Well done from here too on your sobriety.
If you're doing the shopping then don't buy any crap (your word). If you're cooking, don't cook it. Nobody in your family, including any children, needs that stuff. If he asks, hey, where's the crap, then say you prefer life without it.

Thanks all - I'm glad to hear that talking to him is a reasonable idea. Was worried I should let him live his life and keep schtum.

It's not like I'm buying lots of crap food - but we obviously have bread / beans / freezer back up food. And when he's sorting his own food out, he will always choose bread / cheese / beans / chips rather than make a proper meal.

I'd feel unfair not taking his current preferences into account when meal planning. Same way I wouldn't serve Thai red curry to the kids; they haven't chosen to eat that way so wouldn't enjoy it.

I guess I really want the motivation to come from him and I facilitate gladly rather than I force my food choices on him?

He's not going to change unless he wants to. Perhaps it's depression related, or perhaps he doesn't mind about his health.

You cannot force him to eat or do what he doesn't want to.

If you've had a discussion or several, and it has done no good...save your words.

Congrats on your sobriety. If his behavior becomes triggering and causes you to relapse or become close to doing it....

Perhaps you may have to end things with him to become healthier.

His health isn't a priority to him. You have to decide if this will be a deal breaker for you, and if you want to remain.