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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Platonic relationship

17 replies

Maxine987 · 16/12/2023 22:20

I met a guy 5 months ago, First month - seemed really nice, complemented me, kind, messaged and phoned okay, wanted to see me but insisted every meet in a café was dutch which I was okay about. Said he only wanted to see me once a week initially and usually came to my home, but said he did not want me going to his as he was renovating.

Second month – still wouldn’t let me go to his house even though I walk past it every day. Did not want to be intimate, only brief kisses and hugs. Not keen to hold hands.

Third month - just once we were slightly intimate but he seemed to have erectile dysfunction, said it was because he had been single for a few years. I said it was not a problem and things would be fine next time. Never happened again.

Fourth month we went away on holiday but he insisted on single rooms. He was very tight with his money and I seemed to pay for more things than he did. He never once came to my room and when I tried on two occasion to initiate intimacy, he almost treated me like I was contaminated and said I was “too intense” and then eventually said that he wasn’t interested in sex, never would be, hadn’t been for years and was surprised that me (49) would still be interested either.

This came as a huge shock but as I had got emotionally involved at this point, I thought we could perhaps sort it out, ie perhaps it was his testosterone.

Month 5 – I bought him gifts for Xmas this week (around £140 that he asked for ). He is going away for Xmas so I opened my presents early from him only to find he had spent about £3 on me on crap from a charity shop or stuff he had lying round his house. I was extremely upset that he could have done that and we have split up. His ex has now contacted me and said he is gay but hides it and that’s why he didn’t want intimacy and that he is in massive debt too.

I am reeling that I missed all the red flags, and I just don’t know how to cope with this. To get those crappy presents then find out he is gay as well and just used me for another “pretend” relationship is awful. How can I get my self esteem back ? My family are saying I should have realised but I didn't and I feel like a failure now.

OP posts:

DGConsultant · 16/12/2023 22:32

Guy beggers belief! Dear god. Clearly not someone who is socially developed/no history of relationships. Sad to say It, but run a mile from that one...

StrawberryWater · 17/12/2023 01:25

Sorry op.

Perhaps look into some counselling.

I think you had a lucky escape. He sounds very callous and a user. He might very well be gay and hiding his sexuality but that's no excuse to act like such a meanspirited spiteful twat.

DatingDinosaur · 17/12/2023 01:55

Sounds like he was using you as a "beard" OP. And maybe that he hasn't come to terms with or is ashamed of being gay.

If he is gay he was in the wrong for deceiving you but maybe he was hoping he could date himself straight.

There is some allure of a mysterious man - it's like something inside us wants to figure them out and that, in itself, can make us fall for them. But he sounds like he was a closed book, terrified of "the truth being out".

There are no doubt a lot of questions you'll never get answers to but please don't beat yourself up about not spotting Red Flags - try to concentrate on being kind to yourself. You haven't done anything wrong - you did what was right for you at the time and you questioned his behaviour when something felt odd. That's all any of us should do throughout our whole lives. The crappy presents was just the final straw, the culmination of all the other oddness that made you decide that's it, you're out (of the relationship) - and this is a Very Good Attitude to have instead of trying to excuse the crappy presents with him being skint or clueless or any other number of reasons and staying with him and being miserable.

I think your family are making some hurtful comments instead of supporting you. How was you to know? If he seemed like a decent guy that had erectile problems and was generally a bit odd and you liked him enough to see the man beyond the penis then there's nothing wrong with that and you shouldn't be berated for it.

Edited because I just read that it was himself that told you he was gay and not an ex girlfriend.

Ibizafun · 17/12/2023 01:57

I'm surprised there was a month 5...

DatingDinosaur · 17/12/2023 02:03

Gah, sodding hell, I can't edit again - it was his ex girlfriend that told you he is gay.

Bedtime for me I think!

aurynne · 17/12/2023 02:59

Ibizafun · 17/12/2023 01:57

I'm surprised there was a month 5...

I'm surprised there was a week 2...

Tistheseason23 · 17/12/2023 03:15

What presents did you buy him? Can you get them back?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 17/12/2023 05:33

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

Onlylonelyontheinside · 17/12/2023 07:23

Move on op , you seem like a nice person, you made a mistake as we all do, block and ignore…

Original poster

Maxine987 · 17/12/2023 10:26

I probably should have added my husband was killed 18 months ago in RTA, so I was not in the best place to start with.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maxine987 · 17/12/2023 10:30

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as it is not in the spirit of the site.

I probably should have added my husband was killed 18 months ago in RTA, so I was not in the best place to start with.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maxine987 · 17/12/2023 10:33

He didn't say he didn't fancy me, he said he had no inclination for sex/ED as he had been on his own for a while, but that may change . Please don't knock people when they are already down and asking for positive support.

OP posts:

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 17/12/2023 10:33

Maybe you were happy with a non sexual relationship? Maybe that felt more comfortable after your loss? I apologise for my tone and I'm sorry for your loss. But you need to maintain your standards for yourself. You deserve much better than a cheapskate who makes you feel bad for wanting intimacy!

GettingStuffed · 17/12/2023 10:34

My first thought reading through was that he's gay . Then I came to the bit about his ex saying he's gay.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 17/12/2023 10:34

Maxine987 · 17/12/2023 10:33

Cross posted and I have apologised. But you said this then eventually said that he wasn’t interested in sex, never would be, hadn’t been for years and was surprised that me (49) would still be interested either. so he was quite clear about it

category12 · 17/12/2023 10:42

But he wasn't even interested in holding hands or being affectionate and was insistent on single rooms, so I'm not sure why you pursued a romantic relationship with him?

Sorry about your bereavement. Maybe you aren't really ready to date yet, and accepted all this from him because subconsciously you weren't ready for the real thing?

SamW98 · 17/12/2023 10:56

OP please take this in the right spirit but maybe you’re not ready to date seriously yet. Maybe you’re lonely and grieving but not on the right headspace to get into a relationship yet?

Yes, he’s acted badly but I do think if you were in a better headspace you would have spotted the red flags very quickly.

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