Love bombing/night away/AIBU?

[iWontWarmToThat]

So I've known the person I'm 'seeing' for a good few years, and longer through mutual friends. We've recently - the last 3/4 months - started to spend a lot more time together and have developed some feelings.

I am very upfront about not being ready for a relationship etc and he has heard all of this and acknowledges my position. Problem is, he's mentioned love and so on, which again, fine if that's how he feels, but I've reiterated I'm not there yet.

We were meant to go away for the night tonight but yesterday I absolutely freaked out about it. We had a cosy cottage booked for the night, I had childcare sorted, but I absolutely panicked. It's very soon. It's very serious. It's very 'coupley' to me and my head didn't really manage that realisation very well. We cancelled. £170 down the drain hurts, but I felt weird about it and couldn't imagine trying to pretend I felt ok with it and spend the night where I didn't want to and potentially with someone I didn't want to spend the night with.

I feel awful. There's a vibe now, very awkward. He says he gets it and he's very mature and understanding so I do believe so, but it's almost like I've gotten the ick and I just want to back away immediately. But I do like him and I do see something coming from this, however my timeline is very, very long for something like that.

I need some views on this. Am I a dick for cancelling? Have I ruined this? Do I need to give my head a wobble?

it's almost like I've gotten the ick and I just want to back away immediately.

That's the part you need to listen to, it sounds like you did the right thing. You could be stuck in a cottage with him feeling absolutely terrible about it right now.
Take a step back and take some more time to work out how you really feel.

You're not a dick for cancelling, but I think it's a bit off to be carrying on this 'relationship' knowing that he feels as he does, while dangling the carrot of 'maybe one day' in front of him.

You don't want a relationship with him. That's fine. Tell him that clearly. Don't book any more nights away/dates.

Set him free to find someone else.

You’re clearly not that into him

Unless there is the most enormous back story, a night away with a new-ish partner in a cosy room would be something to hugely look forward to, even if it was just a FWB thing

You don’t like him very much, be honest and let him move on because you are on very different pages

Things are moving too fast for you and you felt pressurised into something you weren’t ready for.

Three months isn’t really that long.

you’ve done nothing wrong.

I think you are starting off from different points, he is obviously far more invested at this point and you less so.
Who booked the night away?
Is he saying he understands your pov but not acting like it or have you just been going along with anything he says or wants to do?

You're just not ready for a serious relationship yet OP. Have you been hurt by someone?

Is this a case of he’s perfect on paper but you just don’t really fancy him?

Three months in with someone I fancied the pants off a cottage weekend would be lovely and sexy and exciting, but if you aren’t feeling those things, maybe he’s not for you?

I think you need to let him go, either you're not into him enough or too afraid of a relationship but I expect not into him enough? if the shoe was on the other foot and he cancelled last minute, you would think he was a flaky dickhead, whether or not you've ruined it for him, I wouldn't continue seeing him, it sounds he's caught feelings and you haven't.

I think you need to end it. It's not flowing naturally.

On paper yes, perfect. Immediately attracted? No, but it's growing. I have been absolutely, 100% honest with him about where I'm at, not being ready for a relationship, wanting to take things steady and he has said he understands but I think it's difficult for him if he's a few steps ahead of me.

He's far more mature than anyone I've been with before and this kind of conversation would usually end in an enormous argument and that's not been the case, he's said it's not a problem and things can slow down, he can give me space etc.

I just feel torn. Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? Like why I am I potentially pushing someone away who could be really good for me?

You don't fancy him. End of.

Others may disagree but I think if you aren't attracted to someone there's really no point pursuing this!

No, nothing wrong. You just want different things at this stage. You feel guilty because you don’t want wants he wants, but that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to your own opinion. Don’t be pressurised into rushing things.

You did the right thing for you at the time.

Have a think about what it is that’s spooking you – has something happened in the past that’s made you terrified of commitment and serious relationships?

Moving forwards, nobody can know how patient he will continue to be whilst you play peek-a-boo with your feelings.

It might be that you’re just not ready for a relationship right now (still some healing to do?) but you like the idea that a kind and patient man is into you and you’re testing that. How kind? How patient? What is the reason you are pushing at his boundaries?

Just because he's really into you doesn't automatically mean you have to fall in love with him. It's okay to not fancy someone who fancies you.

What’s the love bombing of the title?
I personally don’t think it should be that complicated - you think he’s ideal on paper but are actually not into him.

Leave him alone, and don't string him along. Don't give false hope. Don't send mixed signals.

Let him find someone else who is ready and on his timeline. Tbh...this sounds gameish.

You don't want him, but want him to be an orbiter.

You are playing games and leading him on.

Trust your instincts.

Leave him alone. Find someone you're better suited for.

You two are incompatible

OP You're just not that into him, simple as that. If you really fancied him you would have been there like a shot. Don't mess about continuing to see him though as that's not fair on him.