Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Husband's affair

19 replies

Carlaca · 16/12/2023 18:07

My life is falling apart. Found out about husband's affair and he's grudingly left to stay with his parents. Of course he denied it until he realised that there was no way he'd wiggle out of it. It's been a few days and I'm heartbroken, and he is trying to get in touch despite me telling him that I need to be left alone. He keeps calling and texting. The last thing I want is him just turning up and trying to talk to me because I think I will falter. I hate him so much right now, but I also miss him and I hate myself for it.
I have been given evidence but I haven't looked at it. To be honest I don't ever want to.
This is not how it was supposed to be at all and it's not fair. The selfishness of it all and how little he cared and how he threw it all away.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/12/2023 18:11

I’m sorry op. A lot of us on here, myself included, have been there. It sucks, and it hurts. You will heal but it will take time. Think about what you want to do going forward. When I found out about my Ex I divorced him and am happy in another relationship now. There is life after this shit.

Original poster

Carlaca · 16/12/2023 18:28

Thank you

OP posts:

MILTOBE · 16/12/2023 18:44

I'm so sorry. Who was it that told you?

Do you have children together?

Original poster

Carlaca · 16/12/2023 19:45

The OW's husband who caught them told me. We don't have any yet but I'm due in a few months time. It's such a mess

OP posts:

MILTOBE · 16/12/2023 20:12

I really feel for you. What a time for it to happen, when you're pregnant, too. They have behaved so badly.

caringcarer · 16/12/2023 20:21

It's bad enough to happen at any time but when you are pregnant is the worse of all timing because what should be such a happy time he has spoiled. My exh cheated and we were married for 21 years with 3 DC the youngest was 8. I ask him to leave and divorced him. I knew I was disgusted with him and I could never have sex with him again so no point carrying on. I remarried a lovely man who adores me and has been such a good stepdad to my DC. He's been over today helping my son put up some cupboards in his house. He'd do anything for me or my DC. We are so lucky to have him. I'm very glad I wouldn't let exh back. My eldest child my DD wanted me too let her Dad come back but I held firm. I found out I was stronger than I ever realised. You are too. You might not realise it yet, but you are. He has thrown your relationship away. He clearly didn't value you or your unborn child enough. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Put your maiden name so baby has the same surname as you.

StrawberryWater · 16/12/2023 20:21

What a shit he is.

Can you ask his mum or dad to tell him to leave you alone for a bit because him contacting you is stressing you and the baby out and he's just not listening?

wildwestpioneer · 16/12/2023 20:30

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't have to do anything or make any decisions yet, do it in your own good time. He needs to give you your space and by not doing this is for his benefit, not yours! Shows he's still thinking of himself and not how you are feeling

Original poster

Carlaca · 16/12/2023 20:43

I could send a message to his mother but I don't know what he told her. He 100% doesn't want me to look at the proof I was given, and it makes me quezy although I definitely don't want to look at it anyway. This is shit enough already but his behaviour speaks volumes.
I might tell his mom because she will understand.

OP posts:

Tropie23 · 16/12/2023 21:58

OP do you have anyone close that knows, or who you can talk to?

GimpMasksAndWagonWheels · 16/12/2023 22:33

I mean this in a gentle way OP... it's not your problem what your husband has told his parents. Don't feel you have to protect him - this is his doing, it's all on him. If you feel you need someone to step him and keep him away, you tell anybody you like.

It will get better. And remember, you don't have to decide anything permanent right now, just take each step at a time and do what you need to do.

ZebraD · 16/12/2023 23:40

Show his mum the evidence, let her deal with him!

Guavafish1 · 16/12/2023 23:45

I think block his number and give your self some time. Is there anyone you can speak too?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/12/2023 23:54

I'm so sorry. My ex and I broke up when I was pregnant the timing is awful - just when we need support and love the most they let us down and act selfishly. You will be ok- please tell a friend or family member that you trust xx

Snowdogsmitten · 17/12/2023 00:10

Send the evidence to your mother in law. She can deal with it. And see him for what he is. Don’t protect him anymore. His cruelty to do this to you while you’re pregnant is appalling.

Sashya · 17/12/2023 02:03

OP - you can of course tell your MIL, if you want. He must have told her as it's not easy to explain why he had to come over on short notice.

But please - do not send her actual evidence. It's really not necessary to drag her into this in such a way. Regardless of what happens with exH - she will be your child's grandmother, and you'll need to have a functional relationship with her.

Also - someone said smth about not putting your H on birth certificate. I know you are angry and hurt - but he is your child's father. His transgression doesn't change that fact. Punishing him this way isn't going to change how you feel.
(plus - as you are married - his name automatically goes to birth certificate)

What you do with all this - only you will know. And you need time.

Smooshface · 17/12/2023 07:44

Don't rely on the MiL being on your side. I told my ex MiL about her son cheating and she was still on his side, blaming me for not doing enough housework (while her son was unemployed for 3 years) and told me i couldn't kick him out of his house (so me and her granddaughters could go live on the street presumably). Obviously still try and tell her, but don't expect it to go your way automatically.

I would get a friend to look at the evidence, not give the full details but maybe give you a summary.

I'm so sorry this has happened though. Go read everything on Chump Lady

Home

Looking for a new narrative on infidelity? We champion self-respect here over reconciliation. And don’t blame you for abuse. Welcome to Chump Nation! Been Chumped?Here’s your starter kit. Just found out? You don’t have to pretzel yourself into a thousa...

https://www.chumplady.com/

Sunflowergirl1 · 17/12/2023 08:15

So sorry and for this to happen now is even worse.
Only you can make decisions, but beware your feelings being pregnant and soon having a newborn will lead you to just want him. However, having had a friend go through this (wasn't pregnant), she let him back and spent four years struggling. She could never trust him, hated sex as the trust and intimacy wasn't there and eventually told him she just couldn't do it any more. He was devastated but she went through the divorce shit, had a long time alone but then met and subsequently married a lovely man and is incredibly happy.

Her regret was her wasted four years. I suspect you will never be able to truly forgive him and have the same feelings. She said having sex, all she could think about was him with the OW

Ihaveoflate · 17/12/2023 10:15

I've also been where you are and whatever you do next (and take your time) you might find the forums on Surviving Infidelity really useful. There are a lot of very wise people on there who've experienced this. I've found it an excellent resource - the Just Found Out section might help you consider next steps.

It's the worst kind of betrayal - I'm really sorry.

Flip