My marriage is failing - can it be saved?

[DeathrowMarriage]

I think my marriage is failing and I am absolutely devastated.

We met 11 years ago, been together for 10, married for 5 and have a 4 year old and a 6 month old baby.

When we met we had so much chemistry. It blossomed into love so quickly. We made each other laugh all the time. I loved his sense of humour and the fact he couldn’t get enough of me, spoilt me and generally made me feel like the most amazing woman in the world. I was attracted to him and couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else.

Fast forward ten years and it’s almost all gone. We haven’t had sex since I was pregnant and then we only did it a couple of times because I had terrible pelvic pain. I have no libido at the best of times so I’ve struggled to get “back on the horse” so to speak. This is damaging us so much and it feels like it’s entirely my fault. But I can’t bring myself to have sex with him, it almost feels like I’d be having sex with a stranger? Also, I don’t feel sexy. I am 6 stone heavier than when we first met and I am exhausted from motherhood. I can’t imagine us being intimate. We are currently in separate bedrooms as I am sleeping in the spare room to look after the baby and he deals with the 4yo who still wakes in the night.

There is no affection anymore. We constantly argue. We only talk about the kids, his work or chores. We spend our evenings watching TV, not talking, looking at our phones.

Sometimes there are small glimmers of what we used to have. But they are few and far between now.

The lack of sex is obviously a huge problem, but it’s a bit chicken and egg. I can’t help but think if we were more affectionate with each other then I’d be more inclined to have sex. He says he struggles with affection because we’re not having sex, he feels rejected and lonely. When he does try to be affectionate, it’s almost always when I’m in the middle of something eg washing up the baby’s bottles, rather than when we actually have some quiet time together. When I try to be affectionate, he seems to think it’ll lead to sex and gets grumpy when it doesn’t.

We aren’t on the same page anymore, we’re not even in the same book. He’s constantly miserable and I’m more of a positive person, even when times are hard. I can be moody and irritable, but I always apologise and explain if I’ve been unreasonable, whereas he is the most stubborn person I know and never apologises when he’s been unreasonable. It causes minor disagreements to get massively out of hand because he won’t admit when he’s wrong.

There is also resentment. He has a hobby which means he’s out of the house two evenings and one whole afternoon almost every week. It means I do a disproportionate amount of looking after both children at the same time. The baby is bottle fed but he doesn’t offer to do the night feeds. He refuses to take shared parental leave even though it would mean we wouldn’t have to send the baby to nursery at 9 months old and we’d be better off financially. He admits he struggles with babies but is great with the 4yo.

Despite his faults, (of which I also have many) I love him and I desperately don’t want the marriage to fail. It’s not a “stay together for the kids” thing. I genuinely want to be with him for the rest of my life. I want my old husband back, and I want to be the wife I used to be. But I have no idea where we start in fixing this.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom? We both know there is a problem and we’ve talked about it a lot, but nothing is changing.

I want to be the wife I used to be. But I have no idea where we start in fixing this

You have to make time for each other. A night out - an overnight stay somewhere to let the cobwebs out .

A lot of couples do this when kids are in the mix, it’s not unusual. But you have to want it to work and if he wants it to work too you are already a step closer.

You need to start working on it asap if you want to avoid the married for the kids situation.

Counselling and maybe picking up a shared hobby where you both get to be something other that parents and talk about something different. Date nights, weekends without the kids.

It sounds as if you don’t feel confident in yourself and this is affecting intimacy. So I would suggest working on yourself Buying things that make you feel nice, going to the gym or picking up a physical hobby. It’s good for you as it gives you another identity after mother and wife and the action of doing something for yourself will make you feel good.

Does he want to fix it too?

A marriage is a marathon not a sprint, there will be times of great sex and next to no sex, great times and crappy times..

From someone married for over 23 years, with teens, l would say that you need to tweak what you can now by;
You get a full morning or afternoon to do whatever you want, set in stone each week, go see a friend, do an exercise class, go shopping, swimming, whatever you want. He is not to call/text you except in an emergency.
He gets the same.
Then you need to prioritise a regular weekly date night, get a babysitter and go out.
(It is often more productive to pay for a weekly date night, however simple, than a family holiday with tiny children, as you need the weekly fun more than a week wrangling children in an unfamiliar location)
Ban talking about household or children, just yourselves.
On the first date night explain what you want, ie him, explain how much you still love him, and that you see a future together despite pressures, explain the baby stage does not go on for long, explain how your body feels after two babies and that you need cuddles, massages (or whatever used to work for you) with no pressure or sulking from him, to be able to even think about having sex again. Set aside 30 minutes of that (with no sex allowed ) daily if you can, for a month to help you feel like the woman you were before babies. If he loves you and wants to make it work he will agree.
If he makes that effort for you and you feel more relaxed together, maybe the next month you can do something for him in those times, even if not full sex, something he will enjoy...
Plan, plan, plan these things, make it a big priority.
Bin off unnecessary obligations to make time and space for the two of you.

I noticed in your post you seem passive, " he doesn't offer to do the night feeds" stop being passive, think about what would make you happier and tell him with a smile what is required

If you can find a way to implement your version of those things, you can shift your relationship back to a better place. It sounds like your marriage is worth fighting for.

Have you actually told him all this?

Get some time alone with him, and actually sit and talk about all of this. At least then you'll know if he's on the same page about the relationship.

You have a 6 month old and are both sleep deprived so please don’t be hard on yourself or your relationship. Things tend to get better as you come out of the baby stage and you start feeling more like your old self.

That said you do need to prioritize your relationship where you can and make attempts to have just time you and him. Do you have family support so you could have some evenings out?

Yes, he does. I think he’s hoping it’ll fix itself though, which it obviously won’t.

Yes, in different conversations over the years. I do a lot of talking, he is not a big talker so communication is a bit of a problem…

Not a huge amount of family support for anything regular (don’t speak to my Mum or his) but we do have some support we can use occasionally

Thank you all for your really helpful responses. I’ve replied to individual posts where posters have asked questions, but I have read all of the responses and there are some really good ideas, points made etc which I’m going to take on board. I’m so relieved it’s all constructive comments, rather than a pile on about DH or indeed, me.

We are going to have a discussion tonight. We had a big argument this morning so we need to air that one out, but my main objective is to make a plan or practical steps we can take to start to get on the right track. The main thing we need to address is that it’s not going to fix itself, and some hard work will be needed.

He's going to need to put some effort in then. This isn't all on you and you can't fix it by yourself.

It's difficult with young kids. We have twins (6) and it's been hard. Our marriage went through a patch like this. I resented being at home (as we couldn't afford childcare) and it got even worse with covid. We argued all the time.

Fast forward, kids are in school and I got my career back on track. We are very honest about our needs. You need to ask for what you want/need.

We aren't perfect people and our marriage isn't perfect. But we went through a bad patch like yours and I'm much happier now.

While it’s very common for relationships to struggle with young children, your husband sounds horrible. He does not sound like an equal parent whatsoever. He’s not into babies? Tough shit, he’s an adult who decided to have one and he should get himself together. ‘Not offering’ to do night wakings is gross behaviour – you tell him he’s doing a night waking and refuse to get up. Schedule time out of the house for yourself for whatever activity you want, tell him and leave – he’s their dad he can take care of them.

If you can’t do any of the above, then I don’t hold out hope for this relationship. Why should it be any other way? Because the poor lamb doesn’t like babies or missing his sleep and hobbies?

if you both want it to work then it’s a good start. The first thing to do when you get some alone time is put your phones away! Sit together, relax and talk. Have a bath and an early night together and intimacy might feel easier if you feel closer. Don’t put pressure on yourself. . Try and set some new boundaries - look at where the resentment comes from and try and join a class, make time for yourself. Try and go on the odd date and try and be a couple again instead of just parents xx

My self and wife are in this very predicament at the moment. We had words last night and its got us both thinking where we went wrong! My argument is we haven't had sex for months, we literally have It once every 2month.. I'm 38 and my wife is 40, she never instagates sexy time at, when we go to bed she just turns over! No cuddle or anything. I've give up asking for it because I fear the rejection! I don't want to put pressure on her because it shod just come natural. Any way, I hope you guys resolve you're issue and find yourselves again. I can 100% relate to how your partner feels

OP is from 2023.

OP,

Your first stop is looking after yourself again. You need to do 5 things a day just for you, to make yourself feel good.

Read The Empowered Wife or listen to the podcasts. You will hear this talked about as Self Care and it is one of the first steps to improving this kind of situation.

The rest of the steps are described. Just try them one by one until you do them all and reevaluate.

And yes, many marriages can be saved - yours sounds like a great candidate as you started with a very solid base if being in love, and you really want it. You just need to do the right things, things that work, in fact good relationships are a result of good skills and a good partner.

You seem to have good partner, but you may need to use some different, new skills to bring out the best in each other. The skills are not intuitive! So learning them and just executing them without "feeling it" to start with is what often helps.

You had two kids that was your decision you don't rely on others for "support" you have to figure it out my parents didn't rely on outside support when bringing us up

Couldn’t help but comment on my own resurrected zombie thread just to point out that this is a really weird take. At literally no point do I complain about a lack of support?! I mention a lack of support in response to being asked the question.

Baffling.

How is it going now @DeathrowMarriage?