I'm confused with my feelings

[HelloStranger]

I have been married for 18 years to dh. It has come to a stage that we are together just for the sake of it. He does nothing to make me feel better and I am the sole provider for the family.

Since the death of dd3 things have got worse between us but we are still clinging on for the children's sake.

I was working on a project and had to go into the office a couple of weeks ago. It's the first time I've done something so similar to what I was doing just before dd3 died, and I broke down crying. I sent my project manager an email explaining and I left the office. He rang me a couple of hours later and was so sympathetic on the phone.

Now I can't stop thinking about him. He's not even the type that I would fall for, but I think it's the kindness and caring that I have missed all these years. I feel like a stupid teenager. He gave me a bottle of wine on Thursday for my work and I can feel myself blushing and didn't know how to react. I have another project lined up working for him. On one hand I'm excited and on the other hand I'm scared. Is this normal?

I think its normal to find attraction in someone who shows us kindness when we desperately need it.

I think you already have identified it as misplaced feelings. I do not know how you should proceed but it should be with caution.

Thank you for replying. I just needed someone to talk to. Up at stupid hours and this is the only thing on my mind. Had to change my nickname in case family members sees my post.

I think its a difficult situation, but try to keep in mind that your feelings are distorted, and you dont know your feelings are reciprocated. It might be a disaster if you have a relationship with him, or it might be a disaster if you make a fool of yourself, without even realising it. Crushes are hard to manage!

I hope you get some sleep

Crush is a good word. I don't even know the guy. Throughout the project I've only met him twice. After the project just to introduce himself and Thursday.

I know he's married cos we were working on Mother's day and my pet hate is breaking up a family. If only dh was nice to me and I would not have these stupid feelings.

I can't believe I'm typing this.

Think you were just glad to receive some kindness from a stranger. Grief does all sorts of things to people.

Did you both receive specialist bereavement counselling from CRUSE?. It sounds like the two of you could use counselling both separately and together. You've shut yourselves off emotionally from each other, you both need to start talking to each other properly with a counsellor present. I am no excusing his behaviour at all but he is grieving too.

Why not try some counselling - i know too many people just say that is the answer. I just dont think your h is able to give you what you want at the moment - he will have his own grief to deal with. It sounds as if you both need a bit of kindness.
You are having to deal with so much and understandably looking for affection to help you cope. Dont feel bad that you are craving this it is normal. And you are being very grown up to be able to see this for what it is.

For your marriage to survive though you will need to work on it too. Imagine if you thought your h was seeking affection from a collegue?

Good luck

I have been questioning myself all these years if dh ever loved me or was it just for convenience. I can't remember the last time he said something nice to me that made me feel good about myself.

Since dd3 died, I had a review of my life and it would make some interesting reading. I'm not someone who seeks sympathy. I've had a lot of crap over the years. After dd3 died, I feel as if I can no longer go on. I want this load lifted from my shoulders, but dh is jsu avoiding all his responsibilities. Even my gp has asked have I considered leaving dh and I said I would never do anything to hurt my children. She asked me, "What about what you want?" Something that I have never really thought about.

I am just so tired. Sorry for babbling on.