Family don't visit

[Rollo123]

My family haven't visited in 6 years. They visited once when my daughter was born now never make journey. My mum and dad travelled on 4.5 hr flight to Tenerife earlier this year but will not visit me and my kids. They come across very entitled. My sister who is 4 years older and has 1 child who is 5 hasn't visited since her child was born. Its getting hard to explain to my children why they don't visit. I always have to travel with a packed car to see them, both me and husband work and have to use all our annual leave to see them or we would never see them again. I'm just not a priority, I'm way down their list and it's making the relationship really hard for me. Any suggestions how I can get past this.

How far away do they live? Do they drive? And do they see each other?

How was your relationship with them op? Do you speak to them often? Are you close? Did you ask them why they aren't visiting?

They live across the water in Ireland. They used to visit 2 or 3 times a year. Thought the relationship was OK, not really close but civil. It's hard now as they don't make any effort. It's hard to have that one sided relationship. I was going to have my daughter christening the next time they visited, but now my daughter is 6 and half. Have talked to them, they said nothing back, sat and stared at me. Can travel to Tenerife, but not 1/2 flight to see me. I can't make them come, have said, invited them for Christmas, invited them any time. They know they are welcome, they just don't want to come. I find it hard as now I'm a parent to two children I can't imagine acting that way. I would at least explain. They can put me down alot, but at least before I felt they cared enough to visit. My husband says it's their loss, it's just I feel angry as I want them to be part of my life and my kids. I suppose I'm disappointed. Should have been the best time for memories and being happy but slightly tainted.

Sorry to hear this as I have a similar dynamic and it does hurt :(

Just stop, pull back and see what happens. I wouldn’t be bending over backwards to see them

I could have written this, even Ireland, my pils not my folks though. 14 yrs in and they've visited 3 times, once for my DMs funeral, once for our wedding, once when first grandchild was born... They visit their other kids all the time (driving within Ireland) and do go on holidays on flights. They seem to love it when we come over and adore our kids (possibly more than the other grandchildren 🤣). But no, never visit us. We've asked and never really got a response. It makes my DH sad, but I think he's come to terms with it. We are pulling back, sick of using all our annual leave, extortionate amounts of money to get there without them giving anything back. They are missing so much; seeing our kids doing the things they love in the place they live, our house, our friends, our jobs, our location. Ultimately it's their choice, and I think we've made our choice to spend our time and money a bit more wisely in the future.

The answer is in your post; both your parents are very entitled. What was your childhood like?. My guess FWIW is that you got most of the material stuff but emotionally they fell well short as people.

re your comment
"I always have to travel with a packed car to see them, both me and husband work and have to use all our annual leave to see them or we would never see them again"

Stop doing this with immediate effect. Bending over backwards to further seek their approval is a waste of time as they will never give you this, they are not built that way. It also sends a really poor message to your children; i.e keep trying to establish some form of contact with nasty people even though you're getting nowhere with them.

Pull back and further reduce all current levels of contact with your parents. They are not worthy of you or your own family unit if they behave like this. Why would you want to see people, albeit your parents here, who put you down a lot?. It makes no sense. Would you tolerate this from a friend, unlikely but if not ask yourself why.

What are your boundaries like when it comes to your parents?. If your H's parents are nice, and importantly, emotionally healthy then concentrate your efforts on them.

It also seems that you are the scapegoat with your sister being far more favoured, I am presuming she lives a lot closer to them. They are probably also pissed with you that your DD is still not christened.

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Thanks for the responses. @AttilaTheMeerkat your right, material things where provided for. I had an argument again with them, think I will just leave it.
I'm not that far away. 2hr boat, 2hr drive, but the reaction I got for saying other parents visited their adult kids further away. The answer 'good for them' with the derogatory tone. How to make your child feel cared for. My mum also has weight obsession so when my daughter was 4 and she had a second biscuit my mum said, 'are you going to be a fatty?' I couldn't believe it really, an adult saying that to a small child. They used to send me clipets how to lose weight from newspapers. I was 8 stone at 5ft 7. I think they may be very unhappy and i could never live up to their expectations. I never realised till recently but they may be jealous.
If I was in a stronger place mentally it would be water of a ducks back but currently the situation has got me down and question at what point they would ever turn up for us. BTW I had my appendix out at 5 months pregnant and they had a holiday booked to Tenerife and my sister told them to go as she would come to see me. Didn't want them missing their holiday.

@AttilaTheMeerkat good advice to grieve for the relationship I didn't have. I seem to be the scapegoat, or they are excluding me to make me unhappy. Seemed to annoy my dad that I spent Christmas with all my husbands family, told him I had a great time and he was soo annoyed at it. This was the first time I started to see the jealously come out. He was never like this before though. I've only noticed these traits since my kids were born.

@gillyweed I feel bonkers feeling this way and I'm made out like I'm over reacting, being demanding etc. So it's good to know that others in a similar situation have similar upset (albeit it's not a good situation for you to be in). I've not maybe handled the situation well the past wee while, as not only don't they come see me they seem so uninterested in our lives, don't want to hear about it. I'm trying to give myself a break from it at minute as it's all a but much. It's finding the balance where in my head I give them less importance.