Where do we go from here?

[Wellthisisasurprise246]

Feel so sad about it but I feel that having kids has ruined my relationship with my DH.

I have a 2.5 year old and another on the way. Before kids we were together for a long time, had a wonderful relationship. Now we barely talk, when we do it’s about logistics or work (both work FT). We get zero help, and virtually no time to ourselves apart from a babysitter once a month.

The thing is, he’s a great dad. He pulls his weight with childcare and around the house. So I’m not sure why I feel so resentful.

I feel that he doesn’t notice what I do for him. This week for example - I’ve looked after our LO almost every evening because he’s had manflu, have had virtually no time to myself. Come today, I told him I’d give him some time to himself by taking LO out, would be back at 12.30. He comments that normally on a Saturday he gets longer than that to himself, and wonders why it’s less today? We normally give each other around 4 hours each per weekend for relaxation/hobby. This sends me into a rage. I’m so tired. I’m sick of being tired, pregnant and uncomfortable. My toddler is being so difficult right now - constantly running away, hitting, biting. I feel like I have no resilience whatsoever, nor patience.

So I know I’m a part of the problem, but I don’t know what to do about it. Any advice or tips from anyone who’s been through something similar? Am so worried things are going to get much worse when baby arrives.

Bump..

He sounds pretty selfish really, you are tired and pregnant, is there family or friends you can spend time with, you say he pulls his weight so why is he moaning that he was short changed this morning. Is it him you resent or your toddler, having kids changes things can toddler go to baby group, they often have lots of local groups. Is he capable of looking after toddler, you and a new baby.

Thanks @HappyHamsters - she goes to nursery full time during the week, so it’s just evenings and weekends we have issue with. Sadly we don’t have any family nearby to help. That’s a good question about resenting the toddler - maybe I do. I love her to bits but find it relentless and hard.

Toddlers can be hard and it can all seem relentless, but the good outweighs the negative. Would she and you enjoy a Saturday or Sunday club, swim, music, treat yourself to a pg massage while she is in toddler group,

Not sure why you need family, we have 3 toddlers no help and just get on with it and not yet in nursery either. Of course it changes when kids come along it's not about yourselves anymore. For us it's made our marriage stronger and every day is fun. Neither of us does less than the other, soon as hubby in from work he dives in with whatever needs done. We both had a horrid flu bug and just had to get in with it. You really need to figure how you have no time together. Every night from 7pm is our time and the toddlers asleep for the night. And when hubby does his night shift I get a lovely evening every week to myself once there in bed. During our time we sit,chat,eat,watch a film,snuggle up or whatver. During the days the little ones know when mummy says go play it's time to leave me alone while I do whatever house work I need to without them bouncing about lol. You will figure it, possibly feeling down with pregnancy aswell

You need to explain that you are tired, in pain and you need more help because you are pregnant like you did more whilst he was ill this week.

Sorry to state the obvious but it sounds like one was enough. It's only going to get worse with two. This is a further extention on neglecting your own physical and mental wellbeing. You've walked into another pregnancy when you aren't even coping with the first child.

Realistically,I think you might need to keep him around if he pulls his weight as you may need that when child two comes along. There's nothing to say you can't seperate and Co parent of course. But i think I'd wait till the new baby is old enough to be away from you for a day at a time. That way you can share custody. You'll get some days to yourself to recover.

Financially, you'll need to see if it's feasible. Look into your entitlements as a single mum.

I'm the mean time...I think you need a holiday. Even if its just a few days away. Alone ideally. Or perhaps with some girl friends. Sometimes spending too much time with a person can drive us nuts, eve n when we love them.

wow, you're amazing. I wish I could be half as good as you 🙄

It's tough with little kids. And going from 1 to 2 - I found really hard, at least initially.
Having kids does change relationship dynamics, and there is no way around it - you just need to accept it. For a while - there is not much (or any) own time really.

There is nothing anyone can say to make it better for now - just hang in there.
It does get better.

My kids have a similar age gap as yours. And I did find that as the younger one got through early baby stage - it started to get easier. They followed and played nicely alongside the big sibling and it started giving us more down time.

Both you and your H sound tired. I don't think it's a matter of either not appreciating the other. It's just a matter of being tired and childrearing being relentless.

Also - when one parent is looking after their child while the other parent is unwell - you are not doing it FOR the other parent. You are doing it because it's your child.

And he of course was wrong to complain you were coming back too soon today - you should have just reminded him you were tired as you did do a lot during the week. He generally doesn't sound like a bad guy - just needs a reminder.

Got to be honest- my H needing plenty of time and space to 'potter' was the main reason I stopped at 1 . He is being exceptionally selfish- you are pregnant and obviously made sure he got time when he wasn't well- he should 'want' to do this at this stage , not feel 'miffed' that he has to step up a bit more. I'm going to bet it will all be left to you with two-

I'm lost at the moment I been married 10 years I have always done everything for my husband I have 3 children with special needs but I feel trapped every tiny little thing I do my husband constantly puts me down on the weekend he says he goes to his brother's with the kids for me but end up going places with his brother I feel jealous that my husband doesn't take me while I'm left at home cleaning I feel upset that when he talks to people on phone he speaks kindly but when he talks to me always moaning about something whether my weight or the house I feel trapped.

Am I being unfair?

You were onky being unfair to have 3 kids with the jackass loser. Dump the jerk and make sure he gets 50/50 custody so you get some time to yourself. Or pursue child support through cms so he can't weasel his way out of that.

You'd also be better off starting your own thread rather than piggy backing on this one as people here will be replying to the original poster.

Look it will suck for a little while, but in a few years things will be easier.

Thanks @savethatkitty - I think I actually just needed to hear that.

Thanks all for your supportive replies (apart from the one PP who doesn’t see why we need any help because she has 3 kids and is superwoman and has the perfect marriage 🙃) x