Handhold... How do I see a future after separation? (warning for DV)

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

Hello Mumsnet

I just need one of those Mumsnet handholds and for someone to tell me it will be OK in the end.

I am really struggling today. I have been crying my eyes out since about 4am. I was married to a wonderful man for 20 years. He was caring and funny and clever, and we had a great time together. Then he developed some mental health problems, which he wouldn't acknowledge or get help for. That coupled with lockdown, where I suspect he disappeared down a men's rights rabbit hole, he turned into an abuser. At first it was emotional abuse, then control, and then finally he attacked me. I had to leave. I am safe now, and I know I was right to leave. I am left utterly broken hearted for the man he used to be. I am lonely, and scared that my future is nothing more than getting up to go to work, housework, and lonely weekends. I have a number of friends who have been wonderful and are always there for me. So, I know I am not alone. My common sense tells me that it will get easier, but today, I just can't see it.

Is anyone else further along this path who can offer me some words of wisdom?

Sending you a big hug OP. 🤗 You will be okay. Be kind to yourself. Baby steps. With you in spirit. Been there and have come out the other side into bright sunshine. You will too ❤️

That is so sad for you, it's like a bereavement, having some days feeling lost is normal and actually healthy. Have a hug from me.

Do something nice for yourself today, cry if you want to, but also let your common sense tell you that things will get better and that you will build yourself a good new life

Yes and I thought I would never be happy because A I didn't deserve it B I was too scared.

You need to put every ounce of energy you have into healing and rebuilding yourself. Love yourself find new passions. I promise you I have never been happier then I am right now and that was after a Dv marriage

Thank you all for your best wishes, I really, really needed them today.
@MrsMacGyver I am sorry that you had to go through something so awful, but I am glad you are in the sunshine now. I hope I will be there with you too soon.
@olderbutwiser you are right, it is like a bereavement. I have never been through something as hard as this. Thank you for the hug :)
@MistletoeandJd you have written exactly how I feel. I don't feel as though I deserve anything good at all, and I am so scared about the future. I am not scared of the practical things, but I am scared of being alone, my life seems so empty. Empty is good really as it used to be full of abuse. I need to find things to fill it again, nice things.

I left in dec 21 for similar reasons.

I am very happy to be living in my own, my kids visit me (they are at uni.)

I have three kittens who are great company and I have started getting out and about and doing things.

I used to have a big list on post-it notes of all the terrible things he did to remind me that alone and safe is better than with him and abused.

I am nearly 4 years down the line and life is good. No regrets. Yes, the first few weeks felt like a bereavement, which it kind of is, and loads of admin and phone calls. Surround yourself with female friends and enjoy doing (or not doing) things you couldn't do before. It will get easier.

@Octavia64 it is good to hear that you are safe and enjoying life. Your post-it idea is a good one. I have a list on my phone, but I think I need something more visible. I think I will do that tomorrow.

@Avalovelace I think this is where I am lacking, I am not actively using my new freedom to help heal myself. I need to think about that. I love your username by the way :)

Op. Be safe in the mind that you left because of you. You had enough self worth to leave because of you and not because of children or any other reason.. you're so incredibly brave.

I left my ex who abused me so badly I was in a daze the day I left him. I left because of our daughter and I was forced to choose and there was no choice.

It was like grief. I didn't grieve him one bit, but it was grief for the life I so badly wanted with him but never could get. I felt I had failed.

What I will tell you is.. day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year.. it does get better.

You will feel stronger.

I'm 4 years away from him now and he barely crosses my mind. I can't remember the actual relationship, it's like fragmented pieces of my imagination.

One day you'll look back and you'll actually feel sorry for him. You have a chance, he doesn't.. because he will always be him.

@Whattodo112222 thank you for taking the time to write that post. It sounds as though you have really been through it, and I am so glad that you are settled.

The idea that he will barely cross my mind is so appealing. At the moment he occupies far too much space and time in my world, despite my best efforts to control it.

One day you'll look back and you'll actually feel sorry for him. You have a chance, he doesn't.. because he will always be him.

This sentence has really hit home, so much so I have written it down and will look at it whenever I feel down. Thank you.

You're grieving the loss of a long relationship. You're grieving the loss of the man you married because he changed so much. Allow yourself recovery time, you need it. In a way it's harder without kids involved because you're only looking after you and relying on you. Don't beat yourself up for feeling bad, you need to allow yourself all the time your heart needs to heal.

I'm 5 years in and I'm still letting go of things - the end is in sight now, but it's been a long time coming. And I had two kids to take away from my husband, who was a wonderful man who turned into an abusive alcoholic.

I would suggest you think about things that would make you happy that ypou haven't been able to have until now. For me it was cats (I have 5). For you it might be something else. But there's something out there for you.

Thank you! I recall at the time saying it felt like a bomb had gone off in my life. It just takes a while for you to put all the bits back together and forge a new normality. You then realise one day that it's not the first thing you think of when you wake up. It may take a while but you'll get there.

@pointythings thank you for giving me some perspective. today has been hard too. I need to think beyond just existing now.