Is it possible to start over at 38?

[whimsicalmoon]

I'm feeling quite teary and sorry for myself tonight and need a kick up the arse or a handhold or whatever seems fair. I've always struggled with life, and have suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I was very sheltered as a teenager, growing up in the middle of nowhere, and never had many friends. Things improved when I went to uni, and I did make some friends, then at 22 met my first boyfriend. Unfortunately, he was an abusive arse, but I was too naive to see how bad it was. He ended up cheating and gaslighting me about it, which was awful, and really messed with my head. The rest of my relationships kind of went the same way...me not seeing the signs until it was too late.

In late 2018, I basically had a breakdown after yet another man treated me like dirt and messed me about for months. We basically looked and acted like a couple, but he refused to actually make it official and made me feel ridiculous for wanting to, only to immediately meet someone else right after I finally got sick of it and dumped him, and he had no problem calling her a girlfriend and introducing her to his family. My self esteem was on the floor, and I was at the lowest point of my life, at 33, single, a shit job, barely any friends (I'd moved around a lot). I started 2019 feeling terrible, low, and if things would never get better for me, but then I was offered quite a good job, and suddenly everything turned around for me. I loved the job, I met loads of people, I made friends at work, and eventually met my ex there. By October 2019 I was absolutely on top of the world. I was living on my own in a small flat, I had friends, a busy social life, a boyfriend, hobbies...I felt like I'd finally cracked it and turned it all around. And then the pandemic hit. All the isolation crushed my mental health, and the covid anxiety made me a nervous wreck. My ex couldn't take it and became increasingly abusive to me, shouting and snapping. It somehow ended up in yet another situation where he was hot and cold with me, sometimes telling me he wanted to buy a house together and get married and sometimes acting like we were barely even together. We broke up, and I moved further away from him, but we somehow ended up semi getting back together, going on dates, and he kept inviting me to stuff with his friends. I knew this wasn't good for me, but I was so incredibly lonely, and the pandemic and my anxiety made it hard to meet new people. I eventually ended things for good in late 2022, only for my health to completely go to shit. I've spent the last year being referred for thing after thing, one health issue after another. I had been excited to move on and rebuild my life, but this year has been a whirlwind of hospital appointments. I've also lost several family members. It's been dreadful.

So I'm now 38, and I feel broken. Most of the friends I met at work have moved away, I'd made a few acquaintances locally, but they've all ghosted me or iced me out since I've been having the health issues. I think they might think I'm just making excuses or don't want to meet. I look back at pics of me at 36 when I originally left my ex, and I looked so young and vibrant. Now I feel like a shell of my former self. I really want to build a life, but is it possible at this age? It's not only the romantic partner situation, I don't have any friends, either. I'm totally isolated. I think in some ways I probably needed this year to myself to get over the abusive relationship I was in, and take stock, and realise that I deserve so much better, but how do I even go about doing this? When it comes to men, I feel like I just have no trust there anymore. Even outside of my own experiences, I read things on here, and it seems like it's so risky. I'm really inexperienced now at talking to men and flirting, and I don't go anywhere where I'd naturally meet men and get to know them as friends. I definitely don't want to be on the apps, after some truly dreadful experiences. I just feel so desperately lonely. I think I'm a fairly interesting person, kind, not mean or a gossip, people tell me I'm attractive, nice figure, people generally seem to like me...I just don't ever seem to be anyone's number one choice, for relationships or anything else.

Aaw @whimsicalmoon you do not need a kick at all. Squeezy handhold from me to you. I know it sounds like crappy advice but it is nonetheless true. The first step has to be learning to love you in all your glorious you-ness. Whether you choose to do that by writing down what your core values are, or try some therapy to learn to love and value yourself, or whatever way works for you. You matter and you deserve to be your own number one. You need to be confident and certain in where you place yourself before you let anyone else have their try at placing you. And to answer your overall question yes it is always possible to start over at any age so you have time on your side even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Lots of hugs!

Tough story. Brave for sharing publically. Keep your head up, even in dark times. It can be done, starting over, that is. I'm 37, left a job/career in consulting in the summer, left London to move back home to Belfast, temporarily. Took a massive career risk, but I'm starting at a new company, well known broadcaster, on the 8th of Jan, with a significant pay rise. I've been single for most of my professional life, blind dude, and getting women to be "open minded" has been a perpetual challenge, or maybe It's something about me that turns them off. Who knows. People come and go, the good one's will stick around. You need to build inner strength and confidence, and most of all, self-worth. No idea why I've found dating so difficult, although there has been women and brief relationships in the past. All of my family are coupled up as well. You can find meaning in life that goes beyond sex and relationships if you are strong enough, but It is difficult not to be lonely. Starting over requires real grit and determination. Feel for a colleague back in 2019, almost killed me when she didn't return fondness, she was in a relationship, so I should never have even went there. There are good men out there, but you need to learn to somehow stumble on them and when you value yourself, perhaps you'll find one. It is bloody difficult!, especially at Christmas time.

I'd forget about finding a partner, in fact decide that you WON'T have a partner for all of 2024.

Concentrate on you. Join a class or two, find something you enjoy, indulge yourself. Focus on your health. Lots of fresh air, exercise, home cooked food. Go back to basics and spend time and money on you..

Take a year having light-hearted fun. No romantic hassles. Feel better medically, emotionally. Get to know your neighbours.

I know it may not seem it, but you are still young - of course you can make a different life! I got rid of my arse of an ex at 42, did a degree with the Open University, got completely different job, learnt to sail and bought myself and the children a yacht. Met the man of my dreams. My life is so very different to what it was, growth and change is always a possibility if you are open to the fact that you deserve happiness and contentment and what will give you that.

I look back at photos of myself late 30s and miss how good I looked compared to now, but other than that I feel nothing about back then. The only thing I’d change about my life is getting to see my two friends more as we live far apart, and somehow I can’t make female friends easily.
You only have one life, and it’s so short, go and grab the things that will make you smile.

You're only 38.

Lots of people make changes at this stage of life (I did at around 40). It's the sort of time where you look around and think is this how I want the rest of my life to look, or am I going to make changes?

Make yourself your number one choice.

This year has been a bit of recovery year, make the coming year, one of building on that and doing things you enjoy.

Thanks! I feel like I've already wasted so much time though. A big part of me wonders whether I wouldn't have just been better getting back out there in 2021 and trying to find someone/make friends! I took the best part of 2022 to rebuild my life and meet new people, semi succeeded (also bought a flat, so had a lot going on!), then 2023 kind of took it all away again. Part of me wonders if I made it worse for myself by avoiding all social interaction this year, if I was being too self-indulgent, but it really did just feel like one thing after another, and I had no capacity for anything else. I spent a long time doing "me" stuff like painting and decorating the flat, going on long walks, and taking a few solo holidays when I could. I think the most important thing I've done this year is really look at why I keep tolerating terrible behaviour from men, and to finally have the distance to see it for what it is and stop making excuses for it. I used to think it must be me, and there must be something wrong with me, but now I see that other women just move on once the negging and insults start. They don't stick around for more out of desperation. I think it helps that I don't think I want kids now, so I don't have that feeling of time running out that led me to tolerate so much crap in my early to mid thirties.

I think part of the problem is I now have no idea how to even start rebuilding. 2022 was tough, but I had optimism and was broadly healthy. Now my health has been battered and I'm more at risk from Covid than I was, which makes socialising even harder. Should I just take the risk? On one hand, I don't want to risk losing the quality of life that I do have. On the other, my mental health is absolutely terrible now, and I feel like I've lost my social skills and desperately need to just be around people again! I'm quite a sociable person underneath, and all this isolation is really taking a toll.

I fully agree with this post.

Look after your wellbeing, try not to look too far ahead. Live for the moment and relationships and friendships will take care of themselves and happen naturally. You are still young. (I am the same age and when I'm giving you advice I see you as young, but sometimes I have a negative mindset when I think I'm old!)

Thanks! That is very inspiring! I keep telling myself I managed to turn things around in 2018 and I can again. I don't make female friends easily either, and I think that's a big part of my loneliness. The few I did have are now busy with babies and toddlers and barely ever text back, let alone have time to meet up. I don't really know how to fix that.

Some of your story is really similar to mine. It's quite strange really! I don't have mental health history and my intimate relationships have been different to yours, but we're about the same age, and I got a good job not long after you got yours, followed then by health problems. I'm now single and struggle to make like minded friends.

Your life contains enough things that would make most people feel down, but this stood out to me -

I've spent the last year being referred for thing after thing, one health issue after another

I think there are some possibilities here worth exploring. Either your emotional and mental state is grinding your physical health, or, there is something about your physical health that is negatively affecting your emotional & mental state.

My experience with GPs and consultants is that a lot of them are box thinkers. If you don't fit a neat box, they don't consider that you could just be an unusual presentation of something in their field.

First, I would ask for all your sex hormones to be tested, including testosterone. Add ferritin and iron to that, plus thyroid function, B12 and Vitamin D. I would consider the possibility that your mood is being dragged down by dropping hormones - you might not be menopausal, but peri-menopause can start in your 30s. It may not show clearly on blood tests though, because those only show healthy averages for the general population, not you personally.

Then, I would have a look online to see if any of your symptoms match an auto immune condition - you can be sent for blood tests for those but you might need to be referred.

Emotionally, I think you need to focus on friends first. I wonder how much of your current situation occurred because you didn't have enough support, and because of fear. Fear of not being wanted, of being alone, and not being able to find anyone else, and that's why you put up with behaviour and non-commitment.

Thanks! I'm trying to get a healthier lifestyle together, consciously eat better, do yoga and meditation each day.

I think my biggest issue is a lack of self esteem that comes from years of being treated like crap. I think I'm a good person, I've never knowingly hurt anyone, never cheated, never been a bully, and yet I think deep down I feel like I must be a bad person and unworthy of love, because why does nobody seem to want me as a serious partner or a close friend? What am I doing wrong?

I'm sure some of the physical issues came from the stress of ending a horrible toxic relationship. It's funny because I didn't really have any issues when I was in it, but as soon as I ended it, I was extremely stressed. I think because even though he was a dreadful partner, I felt like I still had someone. I still got included in his plans, invited to stuff with his friends (who are really nice), and had a life. And then when it was over, I was suddenly adrift. I've also had several family bereavements this year, most of them unexpected (both my godparents died within 6 weeks of each other, grandad died, cousin died in a tragic accident), so that's been horrible and shocking. I've spent a long time supporting my mum and other family members. I had fun plans (festival, concert) that I had to cancel due to the deaths/funerals, and that hammered my mental health as well.

I've had my bloods tested a billion times this year, everything you said and far more, and they were all fine. Been tested for autoimmune conditions too. I think anyone would be down with the year I've had, to be honest. I've had so many bad things happen, and almost nothing positive. I've been told I've dealt with it better than most would, especially with so little support, so I really do think it's mostly external factors. I was still feeling relatively upbeat and positive until this week. What really brought me down was that I was looking forward to going away in January, and now I've got yet another medical issue (breast cysts) and need to sort that out, so I can't go away. It might sound silly, but the thought of getting away in the sun was getting me through these last few months, and now that's been taken away as well. Instead of a new start, I'm beginning 2024 with the same shit - doctors, referrals, scans. It feels like I can never catch a break, and I've sunk into self-pity for the first time.

Yes, I absolutely need to find friends. I just don't know how. It's crushed me that the relationships I built in 2022 seem to have crashed and burned. I can't figure out if it's me or them. It feels very callous to drop someone who's had the year I've had, but maybe I'm doing something wrong? I don't think I've really been venting or anything or making it all about me. I've tried to check in and ask how people are, but I just haven't been able to go to stuff, so instead of getting to know people more and more, it's just kind of stalled, and then ended. I'm wondering if maybe I've completely understated how bad things have been? I don't like going on about personal stuff, so I've been quite vague, and now I wonder if it comes across like I'm just choosing to avoid people? I have no idea!

You can't change the past so you can either spend your life regretting things and wishing you'd done it differently, or you can make changes now to improve your future!

My life was a mess a few years ago. But I've got rid of my useless partner, got a good job, completed a diploma and make more effort with friends etc. Life still isn't perfect but my god it's world's away from what it was.

You're young! Imagine yourself at 80 looking back at yourself feeling like it's too late at 38.

I agree with don't be looking for romance yet. Work on you, find you again.

I agree with previous posters. I'd focus on building a network of friends and I'd forget about men for the time being.
I'm sorry you are going through this and I must say you sound lovely.

I don't even really understand how to build a network of friends. I have quite a fear of rejection now - have been called pushy in the past for suggesting meetups, and really feel so unconfident and crappy. I live in London and I think it's a dreadfully lonely place to be when you're single and don't have a strong network. I look back to 2019, when I'd have days in the office and then drinks after work, or a date with my ex, or an hour or two in the gym, always had something to do or someone to see, and I wonder how it went so dreadfully wrong for me!

I wonder if my SAD is impacting me even more than I realised. I really do find this weather so difficult mentally - the white sky feels so oppressive. I went for a walk yesterday hoping it might help, and just started sobbing halfway through, because it felt so grim and miserable. I think getting out for a walk in this weather actually makes me feel worse than staying in? At home I've got fairy lights and hot chocolate, and at least I feel like I'm in a cosy cocoon. I think this latest medical issue is impacting me hugely as well - I had been so looking forward to spending January somewhere warm and sunny, walking around, having coffee on a terrace while I read a book, and now that's ruined as well. It just all feels a bit relentless. But the feeling of despair, I think it might mostly be SAD. I managed to get away for a short holiday to the Canaries a couple of months ago and I felt fantastic for most of it. Positive, happy, upbeat. Normal. Just walking out of the hotel to the sun shining, grabbing a coffee, and going for a walk. The sun just made all my problems feel so much smaller. I think this might be a bigger thing than I realised.

Maybe try some light therapy?

Also, might be worth talking to your GP about your low mood (if you haven't already or again if you have)- while it might be situational, medication might be a route to try for a bit, just to raise your base level.

You've had a lot of rotten stuff happen, hopefully once the cysts are dealt with you'll be on the up.

You know what you need to do forget about a partner your not in the right space. Do what I did take time for yourself, get out make new friends enjoy the days. I was 38 when I met my now hubby unexpectedly and am the happiest bunny ever and 4 kids on almost 40 still happy. I also spent time in abusive relationships and have mental health problems. And eventually at 35 decided to take time for myself and build a life and forget about relationships and it was the best thing I did and then met my Mr right. Wishing you all the best and trust me when the right one comes you will know as I now know

Also OP, incredibly important to talk about these feelings and this stuff to people. You can bottle this up, and if you live alone, few friends, It will get on top of you. Feeling alone is the most horrible thing imaginable, and if you've got no outlet available to vent, even just on an anonymous forum like this, It is better than nothing. Having experienced similar, 6 years in London living alone independently with a few friends around but not family or not super close mates to confide struggles in, (about to move back for the new job shortly), It can feel really quite isolating. Ultimately you can't unburden this kind of thing on family, most of mine wouldn't understand, brother does, but still, you mostly don't want to infringe on their lives or complain about being single, late thirties, etc. Focus on the health, most important thing, I'd reckon.

You've started over many times before and you will again. And you probably will many times over in future.

What goes up must come down. And what comes down will probably go back up again.

It could be worse. You could ve saddled with a kid to one of the shitty exs. That would make starting over harder. As is, you are free to go anywhere and do anything you can afford. The world is your oyster.

How about shaking things up and doing something totally different from the norm?

Travel the world. Write a book. Take up extreme sports. Rather than chasing the same inevitable highs and lows and chasing some Disney bs idea of a happy ending, maybe you could choose a different path.