When does 'a bit of a flirt' cross the line into emotional affair?

[TheEverlovingFork]

Evening all,

Posting for a bit of advice as I am bit worried about a friend, she is married, I don't know how happily, (I guess we see them out socially a lot and they seem to have a laugh together so I thought they were ok?) but recently she confided she has a crush on one of our mutual friends and they sometimes have 'a bit of a flirt' over text when talking in general about work and so on. She just laughed and said that's what she was like but it didn't mean anything. It's true she is a very bubbly kind of person, will always be the one putting her hand on people's arm at parties and being funny and extroverted. She's great fun and very...twinkly-eyed, if you know I mean? I'm 100 percent certain that it doesn't mean anything to her to be a bit flirty in a social setting.

Anyway, she told me she'd recently been 'pushing it' a bit, they talk over text all the time, sending stuff that might be considered a bit too close and that they also talk about quite deep emotional things too. She wouldn't tell me what - am I right in thinking this has gone from flirty to affair territory or am I being paranoid for her husband? Thanks.

Yes, I would say this has crossed the line. Although to be honest, I wouldn't be happy with my other half flirting or texting anyone else to start with. This probably won't end well.

The key part of any affair is secrecy, so if she's hiding the frequency and content of these messages from her husband then yes, i'd say it's crossed the line.

My husband had an emotional affair which then turned physical. It all started off innocently enough but I can (with hindsight) pin point almost exactly when it crossed the line. It was when the messaging ramped up significantly and they were sharing things their spouses would have felt uncomfortable about. At that point it also went underground and he stopped mentioning her name.

It may be veering into emotional affair territory - but even if it is, why would it worry you so much? Friends can surely do what they like. As for "being paranoid for her husband": why? Nobody can see inside their relationship. If I were you, I'd provide a listening ear for your friend and leave it at that.

At "a bit of a flirt".

It’s an EA when the EA partner becomes more important than the persons’s partner. Ie. If they get a promotion, who do they want to tell first?

Also in dangerous grounds if messages are done in secret, etc

It sounds like she’s getting a cheap thrill from these messages so that doesn’t sound good either.

As for "being paranoid for her husband": why?...If I were you, I'd provide a listening ear for your friend and leave it at that.

Well, since you ask, I'm paranoid for her husband because I also consider him a friend. As I said, we see each other in a couples way socially quite a lot (think pub quizzes, drinks at whoever's house, sometimes something arty, etc). I'm closer to her and have known her longer, but I've always got on with him too.

Asking for a friend…

Just stay out of it. You're better off not knowing too much about it. Don't insert yourself into whatever she's up to, for your own sake.

Just say you’re feeling uncomfortable hearing about it as it’s not fair to her dh and he’s a friend too. She should cut it out, it’s just embarrassing isn’t it and a little bit cringe to fawning over someone else’s husband!

She should cut it out, it’s just embarrassing isn’t it and a little bit cringe to fawning over someone else’s husband!

He (the crush) isn't married, don't think he's even seeing anyone, if he is he's been very private about it - as far we all know he's single.

🤣

In the light of your update, OP, I'd still say you should stay out of it.

You're her friend, not her moral guardian.

Have you got a crush on her husband?

No, I'm quite happy with my own DP - it is possible to not want someone you know to get shat on by something ill-advised, and that goes for both of them. I don't have to be her moral guardian to worry about that, especially as there is other stuff going on in the background for her but it would be potentially outing to go into - all I'll say is sometimes she goes very intensely into stuff (hobbies, people) in a way that means it takes over her life a bit for a brief time. Like brief obssesions.

“Just say you’re feeling uncomfortable hearing about it as it’s not fair to her dh and he’s a friend too. She should cut it out, it’s just embarrassing isn’t it and a little bit cringe to fawning over someone else’s husband!”

This.

There's nothing you can say or do. When people are at the top of that slippery slope they will do what they want.
Keep out of it, the messenger is always shot!

Just say you feel uncomfortable and don’t want to talk about it.

always be the one putting her hand on people's arm at parties and being funny and extroverted. She's great fun.
Really? Each to their own but she sounds annoying to me.

Oh well. What I can tell you, OP, is that any input from you won't make any difference to what your friend does. As JaneOJane says, once you're at the top of that particular slippery slope, there's only one way down. If I were you, and assuming that you are genuinely her friend more than this friend, I might tell her that she's playing with fire (though she will already know this, and may well enjoy it - I would) - but I wouldn't judge her or withdraw your friendship.