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Original poster

Should I tell friend

24 replies

Joules24 · 15/12/2023 18:45

Names changed…so I have a friend Karen who’s been in a relationship with let’s call him David for many years. Child involved. David a few days ago finished the relationship no reason given…Karen distraught

my partner bumps into one of David’s friends today who dropped in that David is currently staying in a hotel with another woman who he works with

do I tell Karen, if I do she will ask how I know and this will implicate my partner

OP posts:
category12 · 15/12/2023 19:25

Unless your partner set them up on a date, I don't know what you're on about with your partner being "implicated".

Surely if you're going to say anything at all, you would say "partner saw David's mate today, and he said that David's there with another woman".

Otherwise, what on earth are you going to say "some mysterious person heard from some other mysterious person that your ex is with this woman"?! It's just silly.

LucyvanderPelt · 15/12/2023 19:26

I think you should tell her. Apart from being devastated about her relationship ending, she’ll be driving herself mad wondering why it’s ended. I can’t see anything wrong in saying that X told your partner?

Original poster
Joules24 · 15/12/2023 19:43

I think implicated was probably the wrong word!, gosh I’m dreading telling her as she’s holding out hope about the relationship

OP posts:
furtivetussling · 15/12/2023 19:45

I'd hang fire with the bad news for the time being. You have no way of knowing whether this is actually true or not, do you?

PastorCarrBonarra · 15/12/2023 19:48

Tell her. Make it clear that your partner heard it second-hand but didn’t actually see them together, just in case the friend was mistaken (very unlikely).

Karen could make a total tit of herself trying to get him back to repair their marriage when he’s already in another relationship, otherwise. Spare her that ignominy.

Whenwasthis · 16/12/2023 08:29

Don't go spreading unsubstantiated gossip.
At the moment it's he daid she said they saw such a thing.
Especially when Karen is in such a difficult situation. It might be true. It might not. Not all gossip is truth.

Onwegointohappytimes · 16/12/2023 08:32

What if it isn't true or has been misinterpreted. Imagine the pain you'll cause.

It's too vague a source to go steaming in.

jelly79 · 16/12/2023 08:34

Can you speak to Dave? Tell him you know and that he needs to tell Karen?

Usernamechange1234 · 16/12/2023 08:34

How close are you? I would NEVER keep this from someone I was close to. If it’s true she’s already had her personal agency removed with his cheating. It seems cruel to keep her from the possible truth as to why her relationship has broken up. I hate the it’s just gossip stuff. If you’ve heard it second hand you frame it as such and let her decide how she wants to move forward with it. I’d be devastated if my friends knew something like this and kept me from it!

Quitelikeit · 16/12/2023 08:34

Is it for work purposes?

If you are sure it isn’t then yes maybe tell her but with it being this close to Xmas I’m not sure the timing is good

DarkDuvet · 16/12/2023 08:35

Tell her what you’ve heard. It’s only fair to her

Fleetheart · 16/12/2023 08:35

I think you should leave it . They have split up. Most people realise that when a man leaves a woman there is another woman involved very often. I feel like her pain is unavoidable pain, but knowing he has been spotted with another woman is not going to make it easier.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2023 08:37

It's up to him to tell her, don't live people's dramas by proxy it is not a soap

LBFseBrom · 16/12/2023 09:06

Joules24 · 15/12/2023 19:43

I think implicated was probably the wrong word!, gosh I’m dreading telling her as she’s holding out hope about the relationship

I would normally say, "Stay out of it", but as your friend has a child and is hoping for a reconciliation, I feel it would be better to tell her. I don't see why you cannot say that your partner saw this and told you, it doesn't drop him in it.

It's very sad but Karen must face reality for her own sake and for her child's. You will be a supportive friend and hopefully she will have other friend and family support. These things happen unfortunately but people do cope, and move on. However, she is bound to feel broken for a while, most of us would. I feel for her and don't even know her.

MistletoeandJd · 16/12/2023 09:12

Personaly I wouldn't.

They've ended they're not together it is going to do absolutely no good at this time and she needs her mental focus on getting her and her child through christmas. I'd be round there cheering her up before sharing essentially gossip with her.

Usernamechange1234 · 16/12/2023 09:14

The trouble is cheats gas light and manipulate. They make false promises and claim mental health issues. Your friend could be trying to see through a multitude of lies, this break up could involve financial decisions that she wouldn’t make if she realised who she was dealing with etc etc This information could potentially (although upsetting) help her process and find the truth to be able to take back control of the narrative of HER life!

It drives me to distraction that anyone would think it good to keep this from her based on the stay out of it, just gossip mentality. I know I have better friends than this and I know they’d tell me in a heartbeat as I would them.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 16/12/2023 09:17

I'll go against the grain here. If its absolutely 100% fact that this happening, then yes. My child's DC hinted at me that things weren't right with us. Less than a week later he announced he was leaving and walked out 2 hours later. I had no prior indication of any of this. He blamed mental health, knowing I have had my own issues in the past and would be understanding. I bent over backwards trying to persuade him to come home, he lapped it up. Turns out he'd already been shagging other people behind my back before he officially walked out. If the people who knew about it had told me, then I would not have sat there with hope of him coming back for weeks. It hurt so much more that people could see how hopeful I was yet knew it wouldn't happen and said nothing.

Additionally. I had a fiancé who cheated for six years with many people having full knowledge and not sharing. Another waste of my time and life. Whilst I didn't have any want to return in this case, it would have been nice for one of the many people who knew he was never faithful to actually tell me, so a massive chunk of my life wouldn't have been wasted.

Both of these incidents left me absolutely broken and I no longer trust men, no longer want to be in a relationship, yet I equally feel sad, isolated and lonely half of my life. This all could have been avoided if people had bothered to open their mouths.

You know your friend, personally after my own experience, I would NEVER choose to not get involved and withhold information like this. If she finds out you knew down the line then you could lose her. I lost many former friends when I found out they knew.

Indifferentchickenwings · 16/12/2023 09:19

I wouldn’t yet

you don’t 100% know
and she’s in such pain already
you can’t risk more pain for this

it’s it true let it filter to her , which it will

Usernamechange1234 · 16/12/2023 09:21

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat 100% agree! I’ve known people who found out others knew and it felt like a double betrayal. I will never do that to a friend. I’d tell her things is what I’d heard. It is second hand but I wasn’t keeping that from her.

Usernamechange1234 · 16/12/2023 09:24

Usernamechange1234 · 16/12/2023 09:21

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat 100% agree! I’ve known people who found out others knew and it felt like a double betrayal. I will never do that to a friend. I’d tell her things is what I’d heard. It is second hand but I wasn’t keeping that from her.

Wrong message

Loopytiles · 16/12/2023 09:27

yes, I would tell my friend, factually, what DP saw. Not doing her any favours not to.

Onwegointohappytimes · 16/12/2023 10:22

Loopytiles · 16/12/2023 09:27

yes, I would tell my friend, factually, what DP saw. Not doing her any favours not to.

He saw his mate in the street Wink

Original poster
Joules24 · 16/12/2023 11:41

Update- she rang me late last night. Someone else has told her the information

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 16/12/2023 13:43

That is a relief, op, though you could mention you already knew and was about to tell her in case your friend's ex said he had seen your husband.

Now is the time for comforting poor Karen.

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