What do you do if your DH/DP will never accept that they have upset you?

[narkedagain]

DH has just had a real go at me about something really trivial, won't bore you with the details... point is, it really upset me. But I am usually the strong one, and when I get upset, and tell him I'm upset, he turns it all back on me ("oh yes, turn on the tears why don't you" or "how do you think I feel " or "actually this is all your fault anyway" etc etc). I end up feeling completely worthless. To the point where I wonder whether any of this is worth it. What would you do?

'When you say things like x (try to keep short and non-inflammatory) to me, it makes me feel very sad and not valued. I would appreciate it if you talked to me respectfully'.

Also, the first rule of anger management is not taking things personally. If he had a real go at you over something trivial there was obviously something going on with him to start with. Then he had your upset to deal with which might be why he boiled over.

Try not to take the bait. It is really hard but try and think 'I don't need to take this anger personally'. Try and stay adult.

Sometimes I manage this sometimes I don't. I'm really sorry you've had a blow out.

smack him one

Thanks toots, you're right (tho allgone's suggestion made me smile!

I would say 'why are you telling me how I feel?'

I would probably try hard not to cry, and i would say - 'if we're going to talk about this properly, then stop turning your back on me.'

I might say how I felt rather than show I felt perhaps?

show HOW I felt.

Oh yes my DH is like this too - just very rude and I've had a dose of it tonight myself. I tell him that I won't talk to him while he's talking to me in that manner and when he's calmed down, I will listen but it doesn't make any difference. He will apologise when he's calmed down for being rude but he keeps doing it again and again and it winds me up like nothing else on this earth. Rudeness and uncontrolled anger are very unattractive qualities in a man I think.

Today I asked him a question but didn't hear any answer so I asked him again - he bit my head off and said very sarcastically 'as I said the first time....'. I told him not to bite my head off and that logic should dictate that I had only repeated the question because I hadn't heard him the first time, not because I didn't believe his first answer(odd man). He lost it even more and told me I was being out of order(!) but I don't care - he responds the same way every time and usually I say nothing but I was so annoyed.

Oh yes my DH is like this too - just very rude and I've had a dose of it tonight myself. I tell him that I won't talk to him while he's talking to me in that manner and when he's calmed down, I will listen but it doesn't make any difference. He will apologise when he's calmed down for being rude but he keeps doing it again and again and it winds me up like nothing else on this earth. Rudeness and uncontrolled anger are very unattractive qualities in a man I think.

Today I asked him a question but didn't hear any answer so I asked him again - he bit my head off and said very sarcastically 'as I said the first time....'. I told him not to bite my head off and that logic should dictate that I had only repeated the question because I hadn't heard him the first time, not because I didn't believe his first answer(odd man). He lost it even more and told me I was being out of order(!) but I don't care - he responds the same way every time and usually I say nothing but I was so annoyed.

Wheyhe my husband appears to be normal then!! this is obviously a more common male trait than I thought, my mum is right!!!

Hy hubby is constantly doing this to me and yes I have had many occassions where I have sat and pondered whether it is really worth sticking around for mr Jekyl and hyde.

It very much depends on how much sleep I have had as to how what he says hits me but I try to be calm but short back to him to try and bullit point the message back to him and to try and swing the arguement into a guilt trip back to him if that makes sense? I normally try and keep quiet for a few minutes so I can collect my thoughts and then swing a carefully considered and fairly calcultated reply back to him which normally makes him think about what he has just said. Sometimes works sometimes not but I find it works better than getting all upset and all that. One thing that has kind of helped me is by asking myself whether I think he is right in his arguement, did I deserve it and is it really worth getting upset about or is he just being a complete W@*k^r ? It is normally the latter.

Most of our problems stem from the fact he has not progressed through the work system as well as his peers and feels he is inferior, has no say in his company so he takes it out his frustration on us at home instead. this is his own admitance. I just think he is a control freak on the one part of his life he can have some as he has none anywhere else, again probably a common male trait.