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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel absolutely steamrolled

11 replies

percypigletss · 15/12/2023 13:41

after conversation with someone I've been dating for coming up to 10 months.

Had been dancing around the what are we conversation, probably for a variety of reasons. From my side - he has complex MH issues which cause him to behave in ways that aren't ideal and he lives life incredibly chaotically (messy student like houseshare, can't manage cooking, routinely goes to bed at 2-3am, avoids things when stressed). He talks about wanting a family and kids which obviously isn't viable until he improves his lifestlye. He is 34.

Despite this, he showed a real level of care and generosity to me in terms of what I guess now was masking his normal habits to make me happy. He was incredibly lovely and kind, and I did start to think maybe we had a future.
Predictably, his behaviour didn't last. He wasn't doing anything terrible, but in all aspects of our relationship he was just being not great.

I initiated a conversation a couple of days ago along the lines of, "your behaviour has changed a lot recently, are you not interested in this anymore or is there something else going on?" Led to an entire conversation all about him, his problems, nothing to do with me or our relationship. At one point he asked if I thought he was a narcissist. What am I supposed to say to that?! After so long spending time to together he did not give two hoots about me or losing me. He suggested having sex, which I found offensive considering the conversation we having.

After some more conversation he then said he had been having suicidal thoughts which completely broke me. It goes against all my instincts to not support someone wholeheartedly if they are struggling but how are you supposed to give love to someone who has effectively just dumped you without a thought? I went through a practical plan with him of the steps he should take and who he should contact. We had some more conversation, he seemed back to not caring then left.

Haven't heard from him since, we used to speak every day. He could be really struggling or worse and I can't stop thinking about it. Honestly this has hit me harder than any breakups I've had of established or far longer relationships.

Any advice would be greatly recieved.

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 15/12/2023 13:45

He's not ready for a relationship. It's not about you. It's about him.

There isn't going to be anything you can do to fix it.

You've behaved responsibly but this is down to him to sort. You are not his saviour. It won't make him love you, it won't make you more worthy of love than you already are to rescue him.

helpmum2003 · 15/12/2023 13:47

OP in terms of immediate actions I would call 101 and ask police to do a welfare check.
Regarding the relationship I would abandon it. He can't provide the stability it requires.

LifeExperience · 15/12/2023 13:52

So he wanted sex and then later in the conversation said he was suicidal. Suicidal men rarely want sex. Manipulative ones do. Move on. You deserve better.

Rockschooldropout · 15/12/2023 13:56

Time to call it a day - Otherwise you’ll end up wrung out and exhausted. It should be fun at this stage. He isn’t ready for a relationship .
The suicidal mention is very manipulative, and it’s worked in that you are now feeling guilty at the prospect of ending it …..

Unabletomitigate · 15/12/2023 13:58

Sounds like it is time to move on.

Original poster

percypigletss · 15/12/2023 13:59

Thank you for all the replies - to be clear I don't want a relationship or probably even a friendship with this man, I'm just struggling with the feelings I'm having regarding his reaction.

OP posts:

OhComeOnFFS · 15/12/2023 13:59

I'd steer well clear of this man. You are now starting to see his true self. To be honest, as soon as I saw how he lived - given his age - I would have been off.

OhComeOnFFS · 15/12/2023 14:00

His talk of suicide was incredibly cruel and manipulative.

Original poster

percypigletss · 15/12/2023 14:02

OhComeOnFFS · 15/12/2023 14:00

His talk of suicide was incredibly cruel and manipulative.

He immediately followed it up with he didn't want it to be manipulative and he would never do anything but I just think once you've put it out there it's out there.

OP posts:

coolkatt · 15/12/2023 15:00

you did good helping him up to now.
do a welfare check if you need to.
then spend some time spoiling yourself and boosting your own confidence. you sound like a nice person and deserve someone who appreciates you.

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:21

It goes against all my instincts to not support someone wholeheartedly if they are struggling but how are you supposed to give love to someone who has effectively just dumped you without a thought

Which parent had feelings you had to prioritise above your own, when you were growing up?

It's not about you. It's about him

Emotional relationships aren't about finding out who's 'guilty' or 'wrong'. OP's part in this is about her, and she can look into it, work out what's going on, and work out how to feel better, and avoid similar situations in the future. All of which is much healthier than 'Move on. This is his fault, not yours.'

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