It's all come to a head with Mum

[Caledoniablue]

Hoping there are some people from the stately homes threads around. I didn't want to post on them as I don't think I come from an abusive family, but feel like I need an outsiders perspective on this and advice on how to go forward.
I'll try my best to keep it to the point.

Me and dm have always had a bit of a fraught relationship, sometimes worse than others and periods where its all ok.
Growing up I was eldest sibling of 2, dsis was born with a chronic health condition diagnosed when she was 3, dsis and I were and are very close. Childhood involved a lot of hospital visits for her, surgeries etc. I used to wake up in the night hearing her screaming in pain, mum and dad would bundle us into the car dropping me off at the neighbours, so they could take her to hospital. A lot of reflecting had made me realise I never really understood what was going on as they never explained and I'd be scared and not knowing when they were coming back for me. Obviously there was a lot of focus on dsis which she absolutely needed and I'd never resent.
Fast forward to teen years and I went off the rails, not going to school lessons, drinking & smoking, mostly the usual angry teen type stuff. My father's reaction to my behaviour usually involved smacking, losing his temper etc. I can see that they tried at times to understand why I was acting out, I vaguely remember having an appointment with a councellor.
When I turned 16, my father told me to get out of their house, I was destroying their family and not welcome anymore. I moved out and sofa surfed for around a year. I was in a council b&b room after that. My mum and I had sporadic contact at that time, my father didn't know at the time she was contacting me.

In my 20s my father and I did a lot of soul searching and talking, apologies on both sides. The next few years we were all fine, family dinners etc all the usual stuff. I'd go as far as to say we got on great. They helped me out with a deposit for my first flat.

A couple of years ago my mum got ill, she nearly died and had to have life saving surgery and she'll be on medications for the rest of her life. During this time my dad and I pulled together, supporting each other and mum as dsis lives on the other side of the world and couldn't be here. Was a horribly traumatic time and I found out I was pregnant with ds when she was first taken into hospital.
This is where things get complicated. Mum is now a very anxious person, she is extremely negative and seems to be bitter about what happened to her and how her life has changed, dsis and I agree this is completely normal and she possibly needs to have therapy to deal with what happened to her. She absolutely won't engage, and has cut off multiple friends for perceived slights, she also has no contact with her mother or siblings (before the health issues) again never really clear why. Dad has agreed with dsis and I but won't speak up, and takes barrages of abuse from her weekly but doesn't want to rock the boat. We all walk on eggshells around her for fear of upsetting her.

The past year there have been a few surface type arguments between mum and I, usually due to her disagreeing with how I live my life. She has made comments about how both dh and I have to work full time, it's bad for my ds, why didn't I save up before I had him to be a sahm (like she was) how she is ill and doesn't need to be worrying about me - I don't give her reason to! She badmouths me to my dsis constantly. My dad agrees something isn't right with her and she seems to project it onto me, but he won't say anything and he now won't engage with me. It all came to a head this weekend at my ds birthday where there was an obvious atmosphere between parents and I. I talked to mum about it yesterday and she told me how my father can't forgive me for how I've treated her this last few months (I backed off and didn't see them much due to the arguments and the hurtful things she said, including how I dont consider my ds in my career choice - I started my own business this year in order to try to have a better work/life balance as the country we live in jobs are scarce and the hours in tourism ridiculous) so anyway had thrown at me how they can't forgive me, all I do is upset her etc etc.
Her parting line to me as she slammed out of my house was that she could die tomorrow and wouldn't I be sorry then - how she had awful blood results recently and I should be careful. Her hospital results at every check up are good, she even sent the last results to my dsis (works in medicine) and sent us pics of her and my dad toasting with champagne to her good results.
I called her yesterday evening worried sick, for her to completely deny she said it, telling me I'm crazy and putting words into her mouth.
I'm devastated, it feels like she inherently dislikes me. Messages between dad and my dsis where he has said he doesn't see it getting resolved - my 'behaviour' just upsets her and she was a nicer person to be around when we were barely in contact.

I truly don't understand what I have done for her to have this huge resentment towards me, I can barely think straight today and am just at a complete loss.

Sorry its so long, there is probably a lot of relevant I've missed but this is the gist of it.

Honestly ? Why do you say your childhood wasn't abusive? It was shit, they didn't take care of your emotional needs while you had the rollercoaster of your sister's illness, they continue to treat you like crap when you don't do what they want and conform to their wants. Fuck'em.

Thanks for your reply @kittkittykarate

I think somewhere on a deeper level I can recognise there are issues there from childhood but I've spent a lot of years not thinking about it.
I feel like I need to know why they've always treated me differently, what is it I've done to deserve it. I don't know how to get closure or what to do to move on

Your parents are both toxic. I bet you are a highly empathetic person. People with narcissistic traits will trample all over your boundaries. I would advise going low contact and therapy for yourself.

OP I’m in no way qualified to advise here other than to say if you can access some good counselling/talk therapy it would be so helpful for someone to work with you to unravel these difficult dynamics. I’m really sorry you’re being treated like this, your mum obviously has her own difficult history (not speaking to her family of origin) but that is not your burden to carry. I can see you love your parents and want a relationship with them but you need to protect yourself too.

No-one likes to have a mirror held up to themselves at the best of times, so you are not going to get your parents to admit that they were in any way deficient. Look how your mum reacted when you queried her blood test drama. Don't look to them for closure or understanding, it is not likely to be available there.

It would probably be best to work through this with an external person like a therapist,

I don’t agree with the ‘narcissistic’ label being thrown around lightly but your mum is undeniably emotionally immature and seems to project a lot of her pain and suffering on to you. It’s really tough OP

I’m sorry your Mum is like this. I found this book really helpful https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/276110959071?mkcid=16&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-127632-2357-0&ssspo=YLW1rFr9QoK&sssrc=4429486&ssuid=At1WwsESQ82&var=&widget_ver=artemis&media=COPY you might too?

@Enterthewolves I haven’t read this book but have listened to the author on a couple of podcasts and found it so enlightening. Not just for dealing with parents but emotionally immature people in all walks of life, including recognising some tendencies in myself!! I found her description of an emotionally immature person reacting like a toddler/5year old/teenager etc to be so helpful in taking the ‘fear’ out of dealing with their outbursts. Worth looking into OP

Blimey. I have no advice but just wanted to say you are INCREDIBLY forgiving & understanding of your parents. It's a shame they dont appreciate it.

Hey @Caledoniablue , pop across to the Stately Homes boards - the people there are really helpful, supportive, and not judgmental. FWIW, I didn't think a certain family member was abusive either, but I was wrong. It just took me forever to see it. Now I wonder why I didn't see it earlier. Hugs 💐

Your mother is a narcissist and is scapegoating you.

I strongly recommend getting a good therapist and working through this. You suffered neglect through your childhood years, and it’s no suprise you went off the rails.

My mother behaves exactly the same. Nothing is ever her fault, everything I do stresses her out (how? I’m happily married with awesome kids and a decent job).

You need to accept your mother won’t change. I highly recommend the book “Will I ever be good enough”

You do belong on Stately Homes.

From what I've observed from a friend's family I'd suggest that you don't fall into the trap of thinking one parent is good and the other bad either. You can't save either one. You can just save yourself and your family (you and your children).
There is probably a very good reason why your sister is on the other side of the world.
They may also have "enjoyed" the trauma of her condition and midnight hospital dashes.

I’d consider low contact with them both to be honest but can appreciate it won’t be easy. Your mum is a narcissist and your dad the enabler .
you sound lovely op. You deserve much better than being treated like this by both of them. Your sister had the right idea moving so far away!

Thank you to all who replied.

I'm definitely going to try and find a therapist, there's so many complexities to this and I'm obviously not going to be able to work through it on my own.
I feel weirdly guilty having posted this thread, like I've betrayed them and despite all the bad bits they're my parents and have helped me over the years especially with giving me a deposit to get onto the property ladder. Having ds has made me feel differently though and I cant imagine not giving him emotional support when he needs it or resenting him because he made different life choices to me!

💐OP it's hard. Wishing you all the best.

Ah sweetie. It’s hard. You’ve done nothing wrong, there is no reason why you are targeted for her resentment.

It can help to hear what she says as her telling you how she feels- she can’t express resentment to her other DD because ‘she might die and then how would I feel?’!

It’s all about her- always was and always will be. It’s fair to be angry at your dad too, but realistically his life is easier if he keeps her happy. He won’t like anything that triggers her, no matter how fair you are being or how unreasonable she is being.

If there is value to you in the relationships, then practice grey rock. It’s a way of interacting with people that gives them no material to use against you and limits their impact on you.

It’s keeping a low profile, keeping the peace, but not at the expense of yourself.

So lots of talk about the weather, lots of listening and sympathising, ‘gosh how scary, you must have felt furious, what a shame’.
No expectation of mutual support, no vulnerability.

Thanks so much for the suggestion I've ordered it a Christmas present to myself!

Thanks again to everyone who replied. You've all been hugely helpful in confirming what I kind of already knew.

I do still want to have a relationship with them - especially after nearly losing mum a few years ago. We also live in a small town and live literally 5 minutes away from each other so I want to exhaust all possibilities before going low/nc.
I've sent her a message saying I think we'd both benefit from therapy and that there are clearly deep issues that we both need to deal with if we are going to be able to maintain a relationship. I also said I cant forgive certain things she said last week, including the lie about her health and commenting yet again that I don't put my ds first. I got a reply saying I took her words out of context and we should just agree to disagree and move on so I don't hold much hope for her agreeing to therapy.

CaledoniaBlue

I am one of the current posters on the Stately Homes thread and yes, you do belong on there.

Your parents have completely failed you as their now adult child. It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. Your mother chose to make you her personal scapegoat for all her inherent ills.

Ask yourself why you want to have a relationship with them. What will that look like?. What you want and what you have got/will further get if you persist at all with either your parents are two very different things. Is this because of it now coming up to Christmas or societal convention?. Is this because you think even now they will say sorry and change and give you the approval you still want from them even as an adult?. It will not happen and you need to let go of any and all hopes that they will change. Hope of change is also what keeps you stuck along with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). They are also not above using standard hospital tests to get back at you either; its pretty much one of their standard MOs when it comes to narcissists.

It is NOT possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. You've received the Special Training from an early age to put them first with your own needs and wants dead last.

They helping you out with a deposit for your first flat was not the nice gesture you thought it was; money is often used by narcissists to further control their target.

Narcissists do not think there is anything wrong with them so your suggestion of therapy with her (No, no and no again!) was always going to be a complete non starter. If therapy is to be considered here do this on your own; never do therapy with a serial abuser like your mother. Women like your mother CANNOT do relationships at all so always need a willing enabler to help them, this person here is your dad. A weak bystander of a man who has continuously thrown you under the bus out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He cannot be relied upon at all either.

Find a BACP registered therapist and interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any particular one. I would also recommend you read "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride, the websites Daughters of Narcissistic mother and Out of the FOG and

Joint counselling and or therapy anyway is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Your dad's role here is one of enabler and your sibling is the golden child, itself a role not without price either. DO NOT subject your child further to your parents. If your family are too toxic/difficult for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child also.

I suspect you might find clues to her behaviour if you dig a bit around why she's not in contact with her own siblings and mother. In a word, the problem appears to be within her, not you.