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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know which way is up. Handhold?

25 replies

Swiftrunner · 15/12/2023 08:38

I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. Things in my relationship have been pretty terrible for about a year now. I think my DP has been emotionally abusive by being constantly critical over certain things on a daily basis to try to change my behaviour to his standards and also making me feel quite small and stupid if I try to bring these things up. He makes it hard to argue with his point of view so I end up agreeing with him, he is also confrontational and lacks patience. I feel very broken down and my self esteem is non existent. On the other hand he tells me that I am being abusive to him with the way I speak to him and that I am withholding affection to punish him.

I really don't know if I'm the problem at this point. I guess I have been short with him as I just feel so miserable and broken down but he thinks that I'm the reason I feel this way, not him. It's like if I work through all my issues and stop taking things out on him it will fix the relationship. I spoke to women's aid a while ago and they suggested he was using the DARVO technique. He tells me that I'm twisting everything to make myself the victim so I just worry that actually I'm the problem and I'm telling everyone a false version of reality.

Sorry for the rant, I've never felt so confused as I do and it's making it hard to see the situation in order to make a decision to leave. I don't know what I'm even asking, I just need a handhold I guess.

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 08:40

what a truly ghastly relationship this sounds. For both of you. please say no children involved?

Original poster
Swiftrunner · 15/12/2023 08:46

@escapethemaze no kids thankfully

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 15/12/2023 08:46

Just leave. That sounds like an awful situation to be in.

Bananalanacake · 15/12/2023 08:50

Who owns the property you live in,

petalsandstars · 15/12/2023 08:50

Its Clear that he is abusive and even women’s aid have told you this.

even if what he was saying is true (which it highly likely is not) then this is an abusive relationship and you should leave it anyway!

edited a typo

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 08:51

Swiftrunner · 15/12/2023 08:46

@escapethemaze no kids thankfully

thank goodness and hopefully none planned

this sounds awful Op

and there is nothing stopping you from upping sticks and leaving

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 08:51

you’re not even married

Tistheseason23 · 15/12/2023 08:54

If it’s been ‘pretty terrible’ for a year, surely it’s time to call it off completely.

CrunchyCarrot · 15/12/2023 08:54

OP he is being abusive, I'm so sorry. This is why you are now confused and don't know what you think. It's the constant day on day reinforcement by him of how it's your fault and how stupid you are. You are not, and you can do so much better. You are NOT the problem, he is. I'm not going to give you a handhold, I'm going to tell you to start thinking about packing your bags and leaving, because things will not get any better. Is there somewhere you can go, do you have family you can stay with?

Original poster
Swiftrunner · 15/12/2023 09:05

@CrunchyCarrot I'm not sure where I could go to be honest as family not an option longer term, could go for a night or so. I have a good income so I'd be ok long term but think I'd need to stay here until house sold

OP posts:
CrunchyCarrot · 15/12/2023 09:09

Is the house jointly owned by both or you OP or just you?

muchalover · 15/12/2023 09:16

See a solicitor regarding the house. Once you can put things in place legally you can make plans to leave.

Go grey with him. He is gaslighting you and I know from my own experience it can make you feel like you have no grasp of reality. Just become blancmange and try not to let anything he says register in your brain. If you find yourself overthinking or running scenarios try to stop yourself from doing this. It means he gets to emotionally abuse you when he's not even there.

Take care of yourself. Find things that you enjoy. Nice bubble bath or shower gel, reading, stash some lovely chocolate, moisturiser. Eat well. Exercise. Walk. Focus on you and your health.

Then walk away. (I'm not being flippant but it can be an attitude).

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/12/2023 09:16

Can you afford to get yourself an Airbnb for over the Christmas period? You could really do with getting away from this man. Do you think he would block the sale of the house?

Original poster
Swiftrunner · 15/12/2023 09:34

We own the house jointly and I'm not sure how he would feel about the sale, he would potentially want to buy me out which I'd be fine with. I don't have a lot of savings to go to an Airbnb and want to keep the money I do have incase need a solicitor etc.

I feel I don't want to leave but I've no idea why I just can't imagine life without him which sounds ridiculous when so miserable. It's the doubt of if I just snap out of being miserable things would be better but I don't know how to do that.

OP posts:
CrunchyCarrot · 15/12/2023 09:42

No OP; look I have been where you are. For some years I thought 'I just need to do better' or 'things will soon change once X has happened'. Then X would happen but things were still bad. I'm afraid there's no magic turning point. Life without him will be much better, it really will. Sure, there will be an adjustment period, but you will quickly feel free and your miserable mood will lift because you won't have someone constantly telling you how it's your fault!

Original poster
Swiftrunner · 15/12/2023 09:59

@CrunchyCarrot thanks that's helpful to hear as I think it's the doubt if what things could be like that makes you want to stay. But I suppose that doesn't really matter as we are where we are 😟

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 15/12/2023 10:03

He is abusing you. Leave, but don’t tell him. Speak to Women Aid again and do their Freedom programme.

disappearingfish · 15/12/2023 10:04

Can you find a room as a lodger, either on spareroom.co.uk or with a friend? I think you will be able to think straight once you're out of the situation.

Original poster
Swiftrunner · 15/12/2023 11:05

@disappearingfish yeah I would need to figure something out as pretty much half my salary is going on house bills so I'd struggle paying 2 places at the same time

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 15/12/2023 11:33

I’d say it’s an abusive relationship, but if you are in doubt (you shouldn’t be), go online or read some books on the topic.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patrica Evans is especially good and has a checklist in it.

I was in the same position and it wasn’t until I went to an experienced therapist, that I truly understood. Once the scales fall from your eyes, you can’t see anything else but the abuse.

I needed an authority figure (the therapist) to tell me, before I felt I could act on my own feelings. Your post demonstrates this in spades. You are miserable because he makes you miserable, not the other way round.

My final epiphany was realising that my ex knew he was talking bollocks, but he also knew it worked to shut me up.

SuperGreens · 15/12/2023 12:56

Tell him the relationship is over, you are not happy, have not been for a long time. Say you would like to remain civil if not friendly with each other, there is no need for things to be difficult, you are both reasonable adults, and its sad but you think he will be happier in the end as you are clearly not making him happy (to appease him). Stay living there if you can and feel safe, his emotional abuse will likely ease off as he may try to charm you into changing your mind (don't do .this, it never lasts, and will be worse than ever if you relent)

Ask him what he wants to do about the house - buy you out or sell. Have a clear idea of what it is worth, and how much your share of the equity is. Be prepared to get a 3 valuations and take an average value. If he wants to buy you out, give him 2 months to have arranged the mortgage and transferred the funds. If he says sell, get estate agents around, and get it on the market priced to sell.

If you have move out, which I don't recommend as you lose even more control over getting your equity back, then you pay nothing further in that house. He will have to get a lodger if he cannot afford the mortgage and bills. You charge him rent equal to your share of the mortgage, he doesn't get to keep living there while you fund it. Make that clear to him if he tries to push you out.

perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 12:59

You need to leave.

He is abusing you. You will never be happy with him. He'll get worse, not better. You'll find it harder to stand up to him and will eventually be a shadow of your real self. Please leave now, while you have the strenght to do it, and before you waste any more of your life on this horrible man.

NeedAnUpgrade · 15/12/2023 13:10

Having been in a couple of abusive relationships myself, you don’t always see the abuse until you are well and truly out of it.
What you do know is that it’s making you more and more unhappy and that is good enough reason to end things. There doesn’t need to be a big argument over who is wrong or right. You don’t need proof or him to admit what he’s doing, how you feel is enough. It won’t ever change and neither will he.
I really hope you’re able to find the strength to end it before it does you more harm. Good luck.

caringcarer · 15/12/2023 13:45

Tell him you want to sell the house. Get 3 valuations. Get the house on the market after the New Year. See if you can stay with your Mum over Xmas. Sort out renting a room for after Xmas and move out. If any bills like water, gas and electricity are in your name get the final bills when you move out. If he stays there bills will need to be in his name. Inform council tax when you move out. He would get a 25 percent council tax discount then. Once you're living in a shared house usually all bills included so you only need to pay for your food.This will allow you to save up. Once your house is sold to either this abusive man or on the open market you can add savings to your share of the equity from the house to put towards a new deposit.

Original poster
Swiftrunner · 15/12/2023 15:10

@NeedAnUpgrade you're right it really doesn't matter who is wrong and my feelings don't lie. I have friends who have witnessed the way he speaks to me and don't approve either. I said to him that no one else in my life thinks I'm abusive etc but his rebuttal was that none of them have been in a LTR with me so it's all these comments that make it so bloody confusing. I need to just stop overthinking and concentrate on getting out of an unhappy situation.

OP posts:
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