I've lost a lot of friends...

[IDontHateRainbows]

I can't seem to keep my friends, I struggled with friendships as a child ( had none at school) and its always been a wound I carried.

As I got older I made a few friends at uni and after, but in the past few years I lost a few long term friendships of 20 years plus. Devastated.

One cut me off by text and wouldn't speak at all, because I'd got involved in gender politics. Which i no longer am, the people in that world were too extreme and we fell out over certain views.

Another friend I'd been very close to just changed and turned on me. Very nasty ending after ignoring me for months she sent an email telling me I was a flawed, despicable person and a list of shortcomings to prove why.

These were my best friends from university.

Other less close friends have just faded away, I can't bear to look at my wedding pictures. Barely anyone there is still in my life. I've been married 7 years.

Why is this happening, I feel cursed. I've only ever wanted friends in my life and I have to accept that it's just not working for some reason. The ones from my uni day who cut me off, I can't understand it as I thought we'd be friends for life.

7 years and only 2 people from my wedding are still in touch ( except family). Has anyone else gone through anything like this?

Friendship maintenance is an enormous struggle for neurodivergent girls and women. Do you have a diagnosis? It might help to understand yourself and the way you operate.

Therapy might be helpful to work through your feelings about friendships.

I do believe that many friendships go by the wayside as we move through life. I know lots of people who have drifted apart.

I've lost touch with three of my 5 bridesmaids and felt sad looking back at my wedding photos too. Only been married 5.5y.

(One because of a bad breakup and we stayed friends with the dp; one because I found her really unsupportive and one sided so I drifted; one because her health and mh have made her withdraw from society a bit in recent years; all three of the above also left London where we all lived and I still do.)

But then I felt better when I realised just how common this is. If you asked an older married woman, are you still close friends with most of the people who were at your wedding? Most would probably say they've lost touch with lots of them. Life changes and people drift away. They physically move, or maybe you had kids and they didn't, or you get into differing politics, it's all normal

Would help to hear what was in the list. If she was like “you talk too much”, we’ll that’s very different to “you flirt openly with my husband”.

your answer may be in that list. It also may not be - I don’t know.

I agree with first poster - being neurodivergent makes it hard. And your post makes it seem like you are.

Often ND attract/fall for baddies - adhd for example thrill/dopamine seek, so unreliable people will often be attractive. so there’s a chance you just go for drama people who then leave your life.

Or on the other hand, maybe they’re not drama but we can be too much for people without neurodivergence because we talk a lot or get obsessed with things or something - basically we just don’t operate the way other people think we should and leave them a bit overwhelmed.

It’s not just you though so don’t internalise that. It’s not even just neurodiverse people either. Friendships are hard to maintain. Keep getting out there and hope to meet lots of nice people rather than one best friend - be yourself and dont seek anything from them is the best way. You are desirable as a friend, you just have to find the right people and also accept that friendships are up and down over the years. Once close easily becomes less close for no apparent reason sometimes. No one’s fault. you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way.

Maintaining friendships takes time & effort, and life, families, work can all get in the way.

My ds is 15, I'm a single mum & work full time. I'm just finding time now, to build new friendships, and get to know my neighbours. Why not make it a 'project' for the new year. Set time aside, join a class or two, help out on ParkRun, give it priority.

Sounds like your friends told you why it happened. A one-sided view of course and you'll have a different opinion, but if they sent you a list then it's not like you don't know why they broke things off. Was there anything in it to learn from at all or do you chalk it up to other issues they had? Does your partner have a view on it?

You could have been describing my life, OP.

I'm autistic and I have a very similar experience. I'm not 'obviously' autistic and I don't generally tell people. Unfortunately, I'm also of an age where autism wasn't really a 'thing' growing up and so people.my age are only really aware of children being autistic. No one really thinks about what happens when autistic children grow up!

I've accepted that this is now the reason but I don't really see what it is I'm doing that is the problem. I've even asked people but I suppose they have found that problematic too!

The gender politics thing you mention stands out for me. I've had similar issues because I speak honestly and don't 'play the game' (as I've been told). I now try to avoid very contentious subjects. But it still doesn't make a difference. I get on well with colleagues and superficial friendships but don't have any close friends. I think I'm a bit intense at times but I don't know when.

It's hard.

Is this something you've considered?

Was there any truth in the list?

I had a friend blow up and scream a list at me once. It was largely irritations (to her) rather than deep character flaws on my part & she had stored them up for years apparently rather than talk about them at the time. Some of them I could have easily changed had I known she was so annoyed. Others not so easily, but would certainly have looked for a way to reach an agreement. But anyway a year or so later she lost her shit in the same way with a mutual friend, so we both decided she didn’t handle stress well (so badly she lost two friends in the process).

So I guess I’m saying the list may hold the answer or it may tell you something about some of your choice of friends and their expectations of friendships.

I’m still in contact with a number people who were at my wedding (from a few decades ago - in many cases that contact is extremely sporadic) but in terms of still being close friends with them I think there are about three & two of those live abroad. In terms of close friends I see there is one.

Life moves on and friendships change. Often friendships take a back seat when kids are small. When I think of my closest friends now 3 were at my wedding but the others came into my life (or back into my life) after marriage. And the back into your life is important. I met one of my best friends when I was 17. We lost contact in early twenties but then met up again and have now been really close friends again for about 15 years. And new friends do turn up. One of my closest friends who I know will be a lifelong friend is someone I met just over a year ago - those sorts of friendships are a gift in adulthood. And in reality only a handful of people become close friendships.

I'm autistic I'm okay making friends and have had some solid friendships but I'm not so good at keeping them. I think some of this is due to me being quirky (awkward) and some is poor judgment on my part. I don't tend to spot red flags unfortunately.

I'm in my mid forties I have a good friend who has adhd who is hard work and I probably won't stay friends long term. I have a couple of online Friends I chat too and a couple of old friends who I see a few times a year.

For years this caused me a lot of anxiety and I felt like a failure. Now im at peace. I'm busy with my family and work I don't need loads of friends.

But if you want to make more friends you could see if there is any local meet up groups in your area or j join a hobby ?

I got married 6 years ago. I invited the two old friends and the full on friend I described. There was also another close friend who I have fell out with since who came all day. Then from evening guests I had some work colleagues I no longer see and a few mum friends I no longer meet with .

I’m no longer in touch with any of my friends from my wedding except my maid of honour. My dp doesn’t see any of his either.

Oh and I can beat your not in touch with any of your friends from your wedding because I didn't have any to invite in the first place! 😉

I didn't have a single friend at my wedding.

I suspect this could be down to neurodivergence too.

I have a friend that I strongly suspect is autistic and the friendship is hanging on by a thread. I only stay friends with her because of a shared past. I'm the only one of our friendship group that makes an effort with her now.

She has lost the other friendships largely through being either completely self obsessed or insensitive. These are qualities that are more easily overlooked in your early 20s (when we became friends) but by middle age are wearing or hurtful.

On the plus side she does have lots of acquaintances and makes superficial friendships easily as she is bright, inquisitive and fun to be around, especially if you have a shared passion with her. I hope this is enough to sustain her.

It might be that you need to think differently about friendships. Instead of looking back at what was, look forward to all of the interesting and fun people you have yet to meet and perhaps don't worry about whether these friendships will be deep or last a long time. Just enjoy them in the current season of your life.

I echo the other posters. In your op, you have made zero observations in to how your own behaviour can affect others. But it clearly is, so maybe you need to have a think.
For example, the gender critical views point. Maybe it wasn't the views per se that put this person off, maybe you obsessed over it.
So, I do this, obsess over stuff, so the friends I have now are those that also obsess over stuff and we love pouring over the minutiae of why someone tied their laces like that for example. But I accept that lots of people aren't interested in that. We have an NT friend and I remember realising once long in to my very animated chat with my ND friend about laces, that she was bored shitless.
Point is, you need to find the right friends whose brain works like yours does.

I don't want to make assumptions about neurodivergence

Kindly, OP, I'm interest to know what was on the list, and if you are very vocal about politics generally.

most of my friends have drifted off into family over the years and might be surprised if they knew how upset I was about that. Friendship is important to me too.

I have decided not to respond to the inevitable Christmas, then birthday "we must meet up" messages. Clearly they don't mean it.

it's depressing but I have had a much more depressing time trying to meet people.

I have lost a friend of 5/6 years what she as done recently as took other my adopted son she thinks it's ok to see him as I don't because he as caused alot and done alot of things to hurt me.but why does she think it's ok to see him when I don't.its not right.ive brought him up,and I know what he's like,and she's known him not long and I told her to chose me or him she's blocked me now.as she not t happy with what I said.also I don't see my son's little girl and just cos they have a new baby and I couldn't see her cos I don't want to then be hurt down the line and can't see them.as this is what he does am always left hear broken he's so two faced and he get everyone against me.his X also got my grandson and I never saw him till he was two years old,then didn't see him as he left her so that was me again in and out of his life.so i can't be doing it again seeing knew baby then we will fall out then i won't see grandkids anymore.feel so angry with them all.so glad i have the best husband in the world of 37 years.

Has anyone read my post.is there anyone in similar position as myself.

@158c - you need to start your own thread and people can respond to that.

Am new to this how do I do that where I do my message has watch this thread with a blue box with a tick in it is that right

I was going to suggest neurodivergence too. I have neurodivergent family members so neurodivergence is pretty normal in my circles but it can be very difficult to deal with an issue with some neurodivergent people.

Rejection sensitivity, rigidity, self focus can be features of the condition so 1) it is hard to bring up an issue because you know the reaction you will get for saying anything 2) when you bring up the issue it can be intellectualised/dismissed/rationalised from their point of view and 3) the focus can then shift to how you’ve made them feel by bringing up an issue so centring on them meaning the person with the problem now becomes the problem.

I had a friend whom I loved but suspected was neurodivergent. I had a couple of really serious issues with her behaviour - it was really off the charts stuff - but there was no way to address the issues so I had to let things fade out. If you cannot deal with an issue in a relationship and you are unwilling to accept the issue then there really is no other choice.