Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I going crazy?

28 replies

Animallover990 · 15/12/2023 01:10

Just felt like I need to rant this out as I feel like I’ve been potentially mind fucked.
So I met this married dude let’s call them Tom at the gym, I was aware he was married through someone else then he told me. I noticed from the get to he was keen to talk to me, take an interest in my life etc. I was always wary he was married but it got to the point other people in the gym were commenting on how he was always around me, a lot. I’m single and quite lonely, so here’s my mistake: when he asked if I fancied company on a number of hikes I (regrettably in hindsight) agreed, hikes turned into days trips out to cities, sight seeing etc. Nothing ever happened more than friends, but week before last I saw him chatting up this attractive girl who looked about 20, I saw red then realised it was probably because a) I’d caught feelings over the amount of time we’d spent together and b) it sort of cheapened this “friendship” if you will, as it made it look like he was just on the sniff out for females. NB he has also been non stop messaging including every night to say goodnight for weeks now. (Which he most likely is let’s face it). I had a go at him that week more so because I found out he hadn’t even told his wife properly about me yet, he got upset and cried to me and we made up for a bit. Then that coming weekend he randomly dropped on me his wife would be joining us on a walk -she is usually unable to get out much due to disability. I was fine with this, but when it came to it it became very uncomfortable for me to watch, him being toward her as he had to me all these weeks (he puts on this gentleman nice guy act). Eventually I just cracked this week as previously her been making out he was unhappy and needed company, observing him with his wife there appeared to be no issues they were discussing future holidays, how they met and sleeping in the same bed together- Which I couldn’t figure out how that all the messaging worked whilst lying next to his wife. I reached my limit and told him this week I am going to keep a distance now because I have caught feelings and it’s for the best. He came back with how we were friends and one day I would find the right person. The main thing bothering me isn’t this because I think what’s happened is for the best , however I genuinely think I’ve been mind fucked given he initiated everything, non stop messaging me and wanted to spend every spare weekend with me, now I’m the one who mid interpreted everything and was delusional?

OP posts:
Ebokebok · 15/12/2023 01:27

He's nothing but a common or garden lying cheat. Raise your expectations of men, stop wasting your time with married men and stop over-romantisising and over-thinking what it was. Put it in your past, learn from it and if you want a relationship, find a single man.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2023 01:28

Let me get this straight... You're looking for sympathy when you chose to mess about with a married man? 😕

yhk · 15/12/2023 01:35

The way I read the situation is that:

He approached you to form a friendship
He has accompanied you to activities as a friend
He has messaged you as a friend
He has introduced you to his wife, as his friend
You have declared that you have developed feelings for him
He has not said the same to you

His wife may be fully aware of the frequency of contact between you and him and be completely fine with it. That's up to them.

You shouldn't have allowed yourself to develop the friendship if you thought there was a chance you'd develop feelings - he's a married man.

Original poster
Animallover990 · 15/12/2023 01:36

Didn’t “mess about” , went on platonic walks and far as I was aware his wife knew and was ok with it (or so he told me)

OP posts:
ChocAuVin · 15/12/2023 01:38

Run for the hills (alone).

Ebokebok · 15/12/2023 02:02

Animallover990 · 15/12/2023 01:36

Didn’t “mess about” , went on platonic walks and far as I was aware his wife knew and was ok with it (or so he told me)

You didnt just go on platonic walks. You went on sight seeing trips out, city visits etc with a married man who you knew liked you and who you liked back. It's a tale as old as time. Do yourself a massive favour and forget about him. Just stop with all the navel gazing about it and move on.

Original poster
Animallover990 · 15/12/2023 02:06

That’s the plan 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 15/12/2023 02:11

Sadly, they weren’t platonic walks tho. What did he actually say in the good night messages? With fresh eyes, were they platonic or romantic? Sounds like his wife did know about you?!

Regardless of his intentions this was a dreadful situation and your best well away grim this man and his wife.

Cuckoochanel80 · 15/12/2023 02:25

**He puts on this gentleman act🚨🚨

Hmm. So you can sense yourself something is off with him?

The truth is the guy sounds like a narcissist- If so, you were being groomed and used to boost his ego. Only that. He doesn't seem to care about you or his wife, or anybody, only himself.

Triangulation with the wife and other girl, he targeted you when you seemed lonely etc etc the red flags are all over the place.

He knows he led you on but then let on you both should have known you were just friends the whole time. He enjoyed the ego boost and power and control of it all.

That would be my take on it anyway.

CumbrianYorkshireHybrid · 15/12/2023 03:05

Seriously, what did you expect?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2023 03:17

Animallover990 · 15/12/2023 01:36

Didn’t “mess about” , went on platonic walks and far as I was aware his wife knew and was ok with it (or so he told me)

So why did you see red and confront him. You KNOW it wasn't platonic. And if you know, you shouldn't make better choices.

MilkChocolateCookie · 15/12/2023 03:29

It sounds like an emotional affair OP. He's effectively cheated on his wife, but made sure to keep it non physical so that he can't be blamed for anything. Move on and find someone single.

IsThisOneAvailable · 15/12/2023 03:37

I'm confused

Is this just a friendship? Is there anything physical here?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 15/12/2023 04:32

He shouldn't ever be non stop texting you. As a married man, texting a single woman, he knew exactly what he was doing.

So did you. He was married.

Just stay clear and block him.

Copperoliverbear · 15/12/2023 04:52

If you play with fire, you get burnt

Kwackerly · 15/12/2023 05:02

Yes, sounds like a mindfuck. He probably enjoyed the attention and ego stroke, and because nothing happened physically can tell himself he did nothing wrong.
Sorry you are feeling hurt, walk away from this asshole because he does not deserve your attention.

Thekormachameleon · 15/12/2023 05:10

Why be The kind of woman who gives that much time and headspace to a man she knows is married ?

My husband spent 12 months non stop texting his new female friend - nothing happened, I was overreacting, they were just friends

Nope in the bin with him and she can get to fuck too because you don't allow that kind of relationship with another woman's husband

You knew you were doing wrong, hence the being pissed off when he made it clear you were only friends and started being attentive to his wife

Move on, leave other women's husbands alone

AlwaysGinPlease · 15/12/2023 05:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

solice84 · 15/12/2023 05:52

He's behaved inappropriately but then knowing he was married so have you.
I had similar last year with a colleague but we were both single, it was absolutely not platonic although he tried to claim it was when I called him out on it and said I wanted it to stop, he ended up needling his way back in and I stupidly ended up sleeping with him before he finally got bored and found someone else .
You need to cut all contact and put this down as a mistake and something to learn from . No doubt if he can't get any interest from anyone else he will be back sniffing around so don't give him the satisfaction.

andiacc · 15/12/2023 05:55

Ebokebok · 15/12/2023 01:27

He's nothing but a common or garden lying cheat. Raise your expectations of men, stop wasting your time with married men and stop over-romantisising and over-thinking what it was. Put it in your past, learn from it and if you want a relationship, find a single man.

Exactly. Have some dignity. Raise your head high. Have no further contact in any way shape or form.
Plus don't be as seedy as him. Keep away from married men. It's not fair on their wives or you.

SunflowerTed · 15/12/2023 05:57

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2023 01:28

Let me get this straight... You're looking for sympathy when you chose to mess about with a married man? 😕

I know I thought that too. Maybe find a single guy instead of flattering yourself

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 15/12/2023 06:32

When a man pursues you like this it's never just friendship. You can kid yourself that it was because you didn't do anything sexual but you know it wasn't. He mind fucked you and he's a total arsehole. Next time be more alert to this behaviour because you played a part too.

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 15/12/2023 09:10

Well you fucked around and found out, didn't you?

He's a sleaze. Raise your bar and run.

beatrix1234 · 28/05/2024 16:56

Sounds like your ego got hurted because mr married man didn’t make a move on you and now you’re angry at him.

roses321 · 28/05/2024 17:02

yhk · 15/12/2023 01:35

The way I read the situation is that:

He approached you to form a friendship
He has accompanied you to activities as a friend
He has messaged you as a friend
He has introduced you to his wife, as his friend
You have declared that you have developed feelings for him
He has not said the same to you

His wife may be fully aware of the frequency of contact between you and him and be completely fine with it. That's up to them.

You shouldn't have allowed yourself to develop the friendship if you thought there was a chance you'd develop feelings - he's a married man.

Edited

Well you're naive. Here's how it actually went:

He approached you under the guise of forming a friendship when that's not what he wanted at all
He has accompanied you to activities as a "friend"
He has messaged you as a "friend"
He has introduced you to his wife, as his friend because he realised that woops, he'd been caught out.
You have declared that you have developed feelings for him
He has back peddled faster than a fat guy running to a sweet shop because the cover is blown.
You are left feeling completely crazy

Few things:

  1. Why is a married guy going on hikes/day trips etc with another woman
  2. Why is a married guy messaging constantly
  3. Why is a married guy then doing the same with other women

What he's doing is having emotional affairs behind his wifes back.

He should spend more time working out and less time being a prick.