DH masterbates to porn while claiming low sex drive due to stress

[Distressed2023]

I'm writing with a sense of desperation. I need my feelings to be validated,and I am too ashamed to talk to my friends and family about this.

DH works an incredibly stressful and high powered job (our lives revolve around it) ofter affecting his sleep/mood/stress levels. This results in peaks and pronounced troughs in his libido....or so he has told me. We have had to baby girls in the last three years, and understanbly this has impacted our sex life and both of our libidos, respectively. In addition, my confidence has taken a huge knock since having the babies, my body is unrecognisable to me (youngest 5 months) and the other body / identity issues that come with that. During the second pregnancy he stopped initiating sex at about 33 weeks but this time is was 3 months after the baby arrived before we attempted sex. Further, in the 6 months prior to the baby coming, his attitude towards me in the bedroom changed the rare times we did have sex - he always was a very generous lover, but during this period it became functional, and he finished mostly without any regard for my pleasure or enjoyment. Sidebar: he once told me he didn't have much interest in porn.

Fast forward to this morning, I have had two sick children home with me all week and I have a dreadful headcold myself and he had an office party last night. My toddler and baby both got up super early and I got up with them despite feeling like death. He was hungover, and said he'd come downstairs in a few minute to help me get the babies up. When I was downstairs I realised the video monitor was still on in our bedroom from the night before, and to my utter surprise and horror I could see him on the video monitor, masturbating to porn.... Literally one minute after I'd left the room with two kids in my arms. He showered and came down, and I confronted him. Essentially he said he was hungover and horny and what's the big deal, mortified but not exactly remorseful. Said he doesn't do it that often. I told him how worthless it has made me feel, it feels like a betrayal, not to mention disrespectful - especially given how utterly awful I have felt about myself lately. Please help

Hugs my lovely. I just dumped my partner because I found out he doesn’t fancy me since I gave birth to our baby and my body changed. Sadly he didn’t tell me to my face I found out through his internet searches. Unfortunately it does seem to be a common thing.

it could also be that he finds it quicker and easier to just go online and do it himself.

I think you need to sit down and have a big discussion about it and say that it’s affecting you too.

I think you're being a bit U.

He was horny, there's 2 poorly babies in the house, and you've got a stinking cold. He couldn't really try it on could he? If he'd been hours walking away the day and not getting stuck in that would be different, but a quick few minutes then shower and downstairs, I couldn't get worked up. Do you never masturbate?

Maybe he does fancy you less, maybe he doesn't and it's just a huge load of work to convince you you're still gorgeous before he tries it on.

To be honest with 2 tiny kids I don't know many people who are humping like teenagers.

Wow, this is definitely not helpful.

No, I'm not wishing he could have tried it on, I'm pissed that he was so selfish in that moment and the use of porn feels like a betrayal given how absolutely shit I already feel about myself. The point is he rarely tries it on, I initiate sex mostly.

I have nothing against masturbation, it's the porn. And sure, the last time I had a bit of personal space to masterbates was about 3 years ago.

And no, not looking to be humping like teenagers, I'd just like some physical connection more than once a month

He’s horny and hungover so he leaves you whilst ill to care for 2 young children whilst he has an indulgent wank. But doesn’t have sex with you. Great! Not even slightly depressing and grim

he could have helped you with the children.
Used his energy for that.

Disrespectful careless prick.

Exactly. I have no issues with a sneaky wank but in those circumstances then lm repulsed

he finished mostly without any regard for my pleasure or enjoyment

Did you not feel violated after that? :(

Just horrible - like being treated like a blow up doll, an object.

It certainly did not feel good. Left unsatisfied. But in our lives at that time there was A LOT happening.... Baby coming, house move happening, toddler day to day. So I pushed my feelings on it to the side.... They have bubbled to the surface because of today

Focusing on just the being inconsiderate aspect of this specific wank (use of porn is a more complex debate), he essentially took a few minutes me time thinking he was in private. Highly likely he’d been having some stimulating dreams, woke up aroused and thought what’s the harm when in private.

Your feelings on your wider intimacy problems sound valid, and more of a concern than this one incident, and do sound inconsiderate on his part.

Op it sounds like there's a few things here, the fact he was slow to respond to your need for support and co parenting and instead of recognising that he needed to go and help you he was selfish and lay on (regardless of what he then did). That in itself would annoy any one.

Then at the same time the issues you're having with self esteem, intimacy and sense of connection is to me separate in a way. I do think masturbation is very different from sex as its very quick and self serving and can be lazy if you like- there's no real effort that needs to go into it. So I also wouldn't take that personally. The use of porn would bother me too in that scenario, however have you communicated this to him and is he aware that use of porn is a boundary for you? If you've communicated that already and he's breached that boundary, then you've every right to be angry. If you've never told him this then I'm not sure it's fair to be this angry about that specifically because there's many different attitudes towards use of porn out there and if you've never told him you're not OK with it then how would he know that. So if that's the case, I think this is your opportunity to set that as a boundary going forwards.

What is he like normally in terms of behind a team mate you can rely on? Does he do his equal share etc? If this is a one off where he's been a dick due to his hangover I could probably overlook it and get him to make it up later and take the kids so you can rest. If it's normal behaviour with him then he's selfish and that needs called out.

I do think things get really rough having small kids and all the reasons you've listed are valid and affect lots of people's libidos. I can see why the urge to have a wank would be easier to get to than the urge for sex because of the energy and emotional connection that's needed that you might just not have available at that time. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't find you attractive or love you, it's just hard to find that energy and effort when you're both running on fumes. Ds is 1 year old and we are really infrequent with it, I still love and fancy dh but I'm touched out, exhausted and my libido is nowhere to be found while I'm breastfeeding. He's stressed and exhausted and under pressure with work and home demands and it's affecting him too. I've had to really work on rebuilding my self esteem for myself outside of him in that respect which is hard but I think it's a pretty common part of recovering from having a baby. I think you need to sit down with him at a time when you've both got space to really talk and be honest about what you're feeling. Talking to dh about it helped massively because I realised we were in the same place and it took pressure off and I also learnt that he was scared to try it on at times because I was regularly exhausted or touched out or ill or overwhelmed so it gave him the go ahead. You've been holding your feelings around this and I think it's time you had a really open conversation about what you're feeling and where you're at without attacking or accusing.