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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please ladies tell me if I am the one in the wrong

23 replies

N114820 · 14/12/2023 11:34

Hi all, I need some advice off other women on this group please around my relationship. I've been seeing this guy for months, at the start it was great. He put the effort in and came to see me all the time. I didn't for once feel like I was chasing a man for the first time ever in my life. We had little disagreements but over silly little things, mainly because communication wasn't the best and things can be misinterpreted over messages. We live over an hour away from one another, which isn't a problem but it makes seeing eachother not as easy as we would both like, we also have kids from our previous relationship which also allows time to be very limited. It has gone from seeing eachother twice a week to now once a week yet I feel his effort has gone less and less.

He keeps saying to me over messages anytime anything is said that "well I'm still here arent I, when I shouldn't be" he believes he should of walked by now with all the tiny little disagreements we have had, yet what he doesn't realise is that's life and things get brought up, but it's the way he responds and deals with it that gets me. I've told him that if he doesn't see the good in me and believes I am negative then he needs to walk instead of constantly reminding me he's still here. Like I should be grateful.

Am I thinking too much into this ladies? Would anyone else feel a bit broken down every time a man who you were with kept saying well I am still here arent I when I should have walked ? He says he's just reassuring me yet I need him to stop saying it and leave the past in the past otherwise I believe we are never going to move on.

Thanks for any advice it's appreciated x

OP posts:

Toomuchcawfee · 14/12/2023 11:37

He sounds like he’s deliberately negging you to make you pathetically grateful he’s with you. I couldn’t deal with him constantly saying stuff like that. I’d have to get rid of him.

fedupandstuck · 14/12/2023 11:37

No of course I wouldn't feel reassured! Why the need for him to constantly state that he "should have walked"?

I'd bin him off altogether and find someone who brings you joy and relaxation, not stress and arguments. You should walk, away from him!

furtivetussling · 14/12/2023 11:37

He is not reassuring you. Look up 'negging' because that's what he's doing. He's trying to make you feel both grateful he's hanging around, and despondent because you're not worthy.

sprigatito · 14/12/2023 11:38

I would bin him off, personally. He's trying to manipulate you into feeling insecure. He wants to control you by making you feel that you are lucky to have him, that you are only hanging onto him by a thread and that you will only keep him by being on your best behaviour, ie never challenging him or asserting yourself. Men who condition women like this know exactly what they are doing and they are dangerous.

TedMullins · 14/12/2023 11:39

If you’ve only been seeing him a few months and had multiple disagreements it doesn’t sound like it’s going very well at all. Perhaps he has a point even if he’s phrasing it badly. This should be the exciting honeymoon phase - maybe in fact it’s you who should be walking away.

Wishimaywishimight · 14/12/2023 11:40

No, I wouldn't feel in the slightest "broken down" by some loser who thinks he's doing me a favour with a once a week date.

Show him you are not willing to accept this crap; "Look, this is not my idea of a good relationship so I'm ending it."

Olika · 14/12/2023 11:41

Just end it.

furtivetussling · 14/12/2023 11:43

He's not exactly Prince Charming, is he? This is going nowhere OP, and he's already making you doubt yourself and that all these little disagreements are your fault. End things now before he makes you feel even worse.

dodobookends · 14/12/2023 11:45

You don't want to be with someone who keeps telling you he's staying despite his better judgement.

Original poster

N114820 · 14/12/2023 11:50

Then he turns it and says maybe you need to be on you're own.

Thanks ladies I know he needs to go

OP posts:

perfectcolourfound · 14/12/2023 11:53

He does need to go, you're right.

The constant telling you that he should have walked, suggesting he's doing you a favour by still being there. He isn't doing you any favours at all. He isn't reassuring you, he's doing the opposite - regularly reminding you that he thinks he should leave you.

I'd let this one go.

porridgeisbae · 14/12/2023 11:53

You know what to do @N114820 . There are plenty of other guys you would argue with less and that wouldn't make such hurtful comments.

furtivetussling · 14/12/2023 12:09

When something is neither use nor ornament, get rid of it. He does not enhance your life in any way whatsoever so take a leaf out of Marie Kondo's book and ask yourself does he spark joy?!

Alwaystired23 · 14/12/2023 12:11

I'd dump his arse. You deserve better. It shouldn't be this difficult, especially at the start.

Socialyawkward · 14/12/2023 12:13

He's not a healthy one at all.

Get out be prepared for it to go fairly bad though cause you've seen through it before he's got grip

Burnamer · 14/12/2023 12:20

Anyone else find the OPs writing style off? So many references to “ladies”. Strikes me as being written by a man tbh.

BIWI · 14/12/2023 12:22

I suppose it could have been worse - we could have been called 'girls'!

(But yes, I agree)

Pavane · 14/12/2023 12:23

TedMullins · 14/12/2023 11:39

Yes, it seems like a rather fractious relationship if it's early days and there have already been lots of minor disagreements and poor communication. Move on. It doesn't sound as if it's working for either of you.

What are these 'disagreements' over 'silly things' which seem such a big feature of this relationship, anyway?

Burnamer · 14/12/2023 12:25

@BIWI that’s true!
Reminds me if when someone is lying and adds way too much detail to cover it.

shellyleppard · 14/12/2023 12:25

Next time he says i shouldn't be here say there's the door shut it on your way out. lifes too short to put up with horrible men. Good luck for the future x

ChateauDuMont · 14/12/2023 12:43

I think it's a bit of both. You seem quite needy and he wants you to think you should be constantly grateful that he's still interested in you.

What with all the petty fallouts, I don't think this is going to be a lovely easy relationship worth pursuing.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/12/2023 12:45

He sounds horrible. No man who actually likes a woman and wants to be with her would say shit like this.

Just dump him, over text, telling him he's clearly not ready for a relationship if he can't even give the bare minimum of being nice to you. Then block and forget about him.

Lakeyloo · 14/12/2023 12:47

There could be another side to this story... you say that he comes to you and that you aren't chasing (not that anyone should be chasing). Do you do your bit in the relationship ? Are you negative ? Whose Communication is being misinterpreted... is one person particularly argumentative ? What do you keep saying to him to keep prompting the "well I'm still here aren't I, when I shouldn't be" answers ?
It does sound a little bit as if he's on the verge of walking....
Bickering like this a few months in doesn't sound a great start to a relationship. It sounds like hard work. I think I would walk before he does, or actually speak to each other and sort it out if you want to give things a go.

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