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Original poster

Daughters absent dad and my partner advice?

9 replies

Lioness331 · 14/12/2023 10:56

so I am a little bit lost at the moment as a week ago I did agree to my 3year olds daughters dad coming too meet her to give her some Christmas presents also and he says he wants to actually try with her now and step up and be a dad as he hasn’t actually seen her since she was 1. My partner went a bit off with me because of this because of how he her dad doesnt bother with my daughter and my partner has brought up my daughter since she was 8months old and because of my daughters dad when she was a few months old nearly making me lose my daughter to the courts as he was abusive to me before my pregnancy etc . Also had said “ I gotta come up on Thursday. So you can go there I don’t go to work to enable him to finally be bothered” (we have a 1yr old daughter together so he was going to watch her whilst I go) . In the end I told my partner I weren’t going anymore then he had kept telling me too go because he’s not going to be used an excuse so I’ve just said no because I don’t want any arguments or any fuss really.

Ended up speaking to my mum about it and she said it’s not good that I’ll be going alone so she’s going to come with me . My daughter’s dad will have his girlfriend and other child with him after I said for him to come alone his girlfriend had disagreed with me basically. I did end up messaging the dad saying we’ll have to rearrange as my daughters unwell so going to rearrange for next week but I don’t know where I am going wrong am I wrong for this . It’s really difficult for me right now don’t know how to tell my partner I’ve rearranged for next week also . Just feel so uneasy and stressed I’m only 22 myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Lioness331 · 14/12/2023 10:59

i hope you guys do understand this and also I did say to my daughters dad that my mum will be coming . I communicate through his girlfriends account so don’t really know who is speaking and they’ve also asked why my mum is coming for some reason

OP posts:
Prettypaisleyslippers · 14/12/2023 11:02

Defo take your mum, if asked why just say for company.

perfectcolourfound · 14/12/2023 12:29

It's a complicated situation.

On the one hand, your DD's dad has so faar shown himself to be not bothered about her and a useless father. He was abusive to you, to the extent you almost lost a baby.

I can see why your partner wouldn't think much of him.

On the other hand, he is your DD's dad, and unless there is a court order forbidding it, it's difficult to refuse him contact with her. The huge risk is that he will let her down all over again. The older she is, the more this will affect her.

If your partner has brought up your daughter as his own since she was a baby, he is bound to have strong feelings about this.

But he also needs to respect your opinions. They hold more weight than his. And you shouldn't EVER be frightened of telling your partner anything. He isn't your boss or your parent. He isn't in charge. His views aren't any more important than yours.

I worry from your description that you are a bit scared of your partner, and that he thinks his decisions are final. Could that be true?

Original poster
Lioness331 · 14/12/2023 15:36

Yeah I have said for company aswell and he’s just said to me “all it is I just want to see L*** for a bit I don’t see why your mum is coming” 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Lioness331 · 14/12/2023 15:40

Definitely that’s what I’m saying very difficult I have already said to my partner over and over if he doesn’t keep consistent after this then im not going to bring her around him simple as and he could go to court or wherever . Yes the only reason why I do get afraid of telling him certain things like this is because it always ends up into and argument and he says things like why am I forgiving my daughters dad etc if I want to see him then go and see him when I do not want to see him to be honest and definitely am not forgiving him. It’s all so much of a headache for me .

OP posts:
Original poster
Lioness331 · 14/12/2023 15:44

perfectcolourfound · 14/12/2023 12:29

It's a complicated situation.

On the one hand, your DD's dad has so faar shown himself to be not bothered about her and a useless father. He was abusive to you, to the extent you almost lost a baby.

I can see why your partner wouldn't think much of him.

On the other hand, he is your DD's dad, and unless there is a court order forbidding it, it's difficult to refuse him contact with her. The huge risk is that he will let her down all over again. The older she is, the more this will affect her.

If your partner has brought up your daughter as his own since she was a baby, he is bound to have strong feelings about this.

But he also needs to respect your opinions. They hold more weight than his. And you shouldn't EVER be frightened of telling your partner anything. He isn't your boss or your parent. He isn't in charge. His views aren't any more important than yours.

I worry from your description that you are a bit scared of your partner, and that he thinks his decisions are final. Could that be true?

Definitely that’s what I’m saying very difficult I have already said to my partner over and over if he doesn’t keep consistent after this then im not going to bring her around him simple as and he could go to court or wherever . Yes the only reason why I do get afraid of telling him certain things like this is because it always ends up into and argument and he says things like why am I forgiving my daughters dad etc if I want to see him then go and see him when I do not want to see him to be honest and definitely am not forgiving him. It’s all so much of a headache for me .

OP posts:
Original poster
Lioness331 · 14/12/2023 15:44

Prettypaisleyslippers · 14/12/2023 11:02

Defo take your mum, if asked why just say for company.

Yeah I have said for company aswell and he’s just said to me “all it is I just want to see L*** for a bit I don’t see why your mum is coming” 🤔

OP posts:
ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 14/12/2023 15:47

My own DC has no contact with their father, so I sympathise. That said, I do think moving on with someone else raising her from 8 months as their own was a bit irresponsible and could potentially be unsettling should things ever end. Especially as he seems to be controlling by what is described here. My own DC hasn't seen their dad in over 3 years, but they've never met any man I've dated (not that there have been many as its not a priority to me with a young child) and wouldn't meet anyone for at least a year but likely much longer after. I personally wouldn't let a man bring them up as his either in any hurry.

I don't mean it in a nasty way, but the dad is probably thinking this. If my DC dad did have contact, I'd not be impressed if their other half started acting like a step parent after a short time.

category12 · 14/12/2023 15:48

Neither of these men seem particularly nice.

Your dd's father has the right to contact - but if he's been abusive towards you, maybe it would be better to arrange something through a contact centre or third party, rather than you facilitating access yourself?

Perhaps doing it that way would also shut your partner down.

Consider whether you've maybe gone from one bully to another.

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