Living half a life.

[BeenThereDoneThatAndGotTheTShirt]

I experienced physical and emotional abuse growing up.

One of the main facets of that was my mum telling me that I'd never be loved and that I wasn't good enough.

She told me that, if I was lucky, someome might settle for me and my whole upbringing was based around making me less 'me' and more into some generic, docile, compliant, unremarkable woman who wouldn't offend so that a man who couldn't get who he really wanted might decide I would do.

I was discouraged from education because men don't like jntelligent women, discouraged from continuing hobbies I enjoyed as a child once i hit my mid/late teens because a man wouldn't like me having my own life etc. Encouraged into a 'lower' career because my duty was to build a home for a man and raise children and not get ideas above my station. You get the picture.

My whole life was centred around pleasing a man who didn't even exist.

Despite this, I went to university in my 20s and got a first class degree and I've had counselling and therapy many times over the years.

This has helped dramatically but hasn't undone the damage.

I now feel I'm living half a life and just waiting for it to end tbh.

I entered a profession but I don't have the confidence to do it properly. I became a teacher but I always do long term supply. I've been in my current school for 3 years as a full time class teacher. I must he doing something right or they'd have got rid of me. I'm valued amd respected at work - someone referred to me as an asset to the school the other day but I dint have the confidence to go for a permanent job - I need to know that they and I have an escape route. I feel they and I would he trapped if I took a permanent role.

I'm the same in relationships. I can't fully commit. I try and I'm loyal and faithful but I behave as though they have settled for me. Because of this, I've only ever had very short term relationships of a couple of months or so. I was married once to a man I didn't love because that felt easier.

I've now been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who says (and behaves as though) he loves me but I find it hard not to withdraw and retreat into myself. He gives so much of himself and does so much for me but I find myself constantly giving him space, backing off, not crowding him and none of that is what he wants!

I find friendships hard for similar reasons and don't really have any.

I feel I've come to the end of the road with therapy. And it's not really something I want to pursue right now. Because, ultimately, no matter how well it goes, I can't shake the feeling that fundamentally I'm not as good as other people, I'm worth less than them and I can't expect things to he different because I need to accept the hand I was dealt.

Sorry this is long. I'm just tired.

I would love to be your friend, you sound incredibly resilient to keep bouncing back after all this. You are already a remarkable woman and worthy of love.
Your mum was a brainwashed, sick woman who didn't deserve you as her daughter. Mothers don't always know (or do) best. She certainly was very wrong about you. I am sorry you had an abusive mother.
💐

how old are you? do you want a family
of your own one day?

Do you continue to have a relationship with your parents?

OP, you sound amazing, you have survived and built a successful life for yourself despite the negative messages you received from your abusive mother. You don't mention a father or father figure so wonder if this is a missing element in your childhood too. Are you still in contact with your mother? If so l hope it's very low contact.
You say you are done with counselling and if so it's up to you to take that leap of faith and believe in yourself. Maybe start by accepting a permanent position at the school, they obviously value you! Have you read Feel the Fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers? It is filled with advice on how to turn passivity into assertiveness. It was written over 30 years ago but its message still holds true.

You have a supportive partner and you are in a long-term relationship. That is a huge achievement.

Thanks for the replies.

I se what you're saying but that's why it's so hard. I have a partner but I can't enjoy it. I have a job but I don't feel secure in it.

I don't feel safe in any area of my life.

I reread my post after posting. I've also taken up the hobbies I dropped but I lack the confidence I used to have. I don't really enjoy them anymore. But that's not because I've grown out of them. I want to love them but I just feel ridiculous and self conscious.

My parents are no longer around.

I'm not passive. I take on new things and am open to new experiences but I feel like a fraud. Like I don't really fit.

What help did your parents provide you over the years for example when you went to Uni? Did you inherit from them and how much?

Throughout your therapy have you worked on your core beliefs?

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

None.

Obviously financially provided for me as a child but I went to university in my mid 20s so I was financially independent from them.

They divorced when I was 18. My dad signed over his half of the house to my mum for a clean break and on the understanding that my sibling and I would inherit it.

He remarried and started from scratch and had small children (still in ks1 when he died) so everything was left to them. My mum didn't see why she should leave us anything when he hadn't and so didn't.

In terms of emotional support, nothing. Even as a child.

I recommend Nicole LePeras books How to do the work and How to meet yourself. More practical than therapy, more effective. Reparenting, trauma bonds, nervous system regulation, inner child work, helping you identifying the subconscious patterns and getting unstuck. Follow her on Instagram for more info and her brilliant videos.

What sort of therapy did you have? I suspect you suffered trauma, complex PTSD so would need to see a trauma therapist or psychotherapist.
It's a slow process, taking years, to undo complex PTSD.

WTF is actually wrong with you to say this? Your earlier message was vile too. Fucking idiot.

Microdosing mushrooms changed my life after an upbringing and Outlook similar to yours.

You have to learn to like yourself more.
Raise your self worth, remember what anyone else says about you is more a reflection of them, not you. It doesn't matter what anyone else says about you, it's what you say about you that's important.
I love the hell out of myself, it's empowering and liberating not to need others approval because l have my own. I know one hundred percent what I'm worth.
This didn't come naturally, like you l had emotionally absent parents but that's where the story ends, they don't get to define me or my life, that's down to me.
Positive self talk and actions rewire the brains thinking patterns. " Change the way you think and the world around you will change" Its true.

What sort of therapy have you tried? EMDR is supposed to be good for PTSD.

You sound really downhearted and defeated - are you on any medication for your mood? If not, maybe you should go that route for a while to try to reset your base level.

Have you tried meditation? Balance or Headspace have good programmes.

I'm not as good as other people, I'm worth less

When I felt similar it helped me just zooming out. Thinking about just being a little creature on the surface of the planet. There's nothing more you really need to be than what you are already.

If you are not ready to commit - don't. We don't push our children to do things they are not ready to do. Give yourself time. We change all the time.

Read about neuroplasticity, sleep, take up cold water swimming... Carry on.

None of us are the 'finished product'.

You are the one swearing at me! I asked a question in my first post and in the second I offered an opinion of how I would interpret her parent’s behaviour if it was me it wasn’t derogatory of the OP. Frankly you swearing at me should be removed before my post as I believe anything I said was not inflammatory like you have been to me!

In fact Mumsnet this person @FancyBottom is calling me an idiot surely this should be removed????

Tbh, I was irrelevant to them.

I've no idea if that poster was trying to be snarky or not. That's also irrelevant because it was true.

@BeenThereDoneThatAndGotTheTShirt I honestly wasn’t trying to be snarky that is the overwhelming feeling I got from reading your posts.

I asked about monetary support because sometimes parents give monetary help in lieu of emotional parenting.

I suspect @FancyBottom who swore and berated me is getting back at me because of another thread I’m on and using your post as a tool to do this.

H34th

I usd to do kundalini yoga which helped with peace of mind but didn't change how I felt about myself.

I've had talking therapies and, tbh, I'm all talked out. I contacted an EMDR therapist and someone offering remedial hypnosis a few months ago but heard nothing back from either.

I've messaged another this evening.

I don't know how to make the changes myself.

The apps I suggested have self believe/ confidence/ (self) loving kindness meditation programmes. I think acceptance is what you struggle with and lots of guided meditations on that.

There's not much you need to do. Just keep busy with what you enjoy (even if not sticking with things/ ppl for too long). Don't fight uneasy feelings. We all have them - I promise.

Read about space, black holes, neuroscience, stars, gut health - keep your mind occupied.

Try the book ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’. The author is Kamil Ravikant. It’s a very easy read with ridiculously clear and simple instructions that you can do daily. It got me out of a hole!

It occurs to me that you've never been safe, your parents failed you miserably and you learnt early on that they weren't there for. Which for a child is a very scary place to be. So as an adult you have built a wall up around yourself so you are not vulnerable and can't be hurt like you were when you were a child. Taking that wall down and trusting must be a frightening thought for you.

Felt compelled to write this OP. You sound like an incredible woman, you have strength and resilience and have achieved so much.
People are telling you that you are worthy of love of respect, but you’re telling yourself the opposite.
I understand though when there is so much hurt inside that continues from childhood into later years it can feel so hard to overcome.
No words of wisdom here but I’d like to tell you that I admire you very much.