The ADHD effect?

[Plsdiscuss]

Dated DP for a year. We split Aug 22 because I got fed up with him cancelling on me. Since splitting, I've processed just how much his ADHD probably had to do with that. I didn't see it at the time.

Bumped into him for the first time since splitting last week. We've been messaging for the past year, so it wasn't much of a suprise that the messaging grew in frequency and intensity after we bumped into each other, leading to us spending Saturday night together. It was lovely and comfortable. Neither of us talked about before. We had a great catch up on each others lives and had loads of giggles. I had a great time and I'm sure he did too. He's rubbish at pretending he's not enjoying himself.

I left Sunday morning with a "see you later", him a "see you soon". Didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. I messaged him Monday evening and we had an intense to and fro messaging for an hour. I've not heard from him since.

When we first kissed back in 2021, he didn't message me for 2.5 weeks after. I messaged him after this time with a group invite. When I discussed it with him when we were together, he didn't want to contact, as he was shy. He didn't want to make me feel he was pushing me into something.

When we were together, I would initiate messaging conversations about 75%.

He's got an intensely busy job, so I'm wondering how much his ADHD combined with his shyness is likely playing a part in him not contacting me.

I really would like to give things a go with him again and I don't want to muck this up.

But I don't want to initiate the messaging again. He needs to show a bit of interest too.

Is this an effect of ADHD? Or a shy busy man not wanting me to feel pressured? Or he's just not interested and I'm trying to find a reason why he's not messaged?

This is not new behaviour, so it's probably just him. So buckle up if you really want to pursue this, because you might get more of the same and if you can't distract yourself with other things and 2nd guess it all the time, it will be a rough ride.

Is this an effect of ADHD? Or a shy busy man not wanting me to feel pressured?

Not wanting to make you feel pressured?? 🤔🙄Well that's a line I'm sure a few men wouldn't mind trying.

OP, I mean this kindly but are you not looking for ways here to save your self-esteem or ego by convincing himself that his lack of consistency and contact was because of his ADHD? After all, if you're going down that route you could argue just as much that hyperfocus is also ADHD, and the fact he wasn't hyperfocused on you just means that......he wasn't that into you?

When we were together, I would initiate messaging conversations about 75%

I think you need to read that quite a few times before you start pondering on the innerworkings of this man's neurodiverse mind. I say this as someone who is probably on the ADHD spectrum.

If you dumped him then I think it's on you to make most of the effort atm

I have ADHD and to me I would be the opposite and bombarding you will messages not holding back. I dont think it is adhd I think he is just rude to be honest.

Avoidant attachment with ADHD. I was with this guy for six years. Finally it got too much. What a waste. Different if they're self aware and doing the work. Otherwise dont bother

ADHD/ASD present differently in different people.

Many neuro diverse people struggle with social cues and understanding boundaries. He may be nervous to initiate a conversation incase he gets things wrong. Waiting for you to start messaging shows him that you do want a conversation.

Social interaction can be difficult and the added pressure of getting a romantic social interaction makes it even more tricky.

Don't expect him to get better at this though. He probably can't improve. A relationship with someone with ADHD takes a lot of patience and understanding but it can be very worthwhile.

I'm not ND but my daughter is DH are. They drive me bonkers at times. With DH I don't expect him to pick up cues or subtle signals. I tell him clearly what I'd like in terms of when to call, where I'd like to go, what I'd like for Christmas, birthdays etc. We've been together 30 years so that approach has worked OK for us.

This could just be his personality.

Adhd and personality are too very different things. We don't all act the same and can't blame everything on his adhd.

What I would say to you is what I've learned on here as an nd person.

If they wanted to they would. That's as simple as it gets.

If they wanted to they would. That's as simple as it gets.

It might be personality, it might not.

However, wanting to do something does not "cure" ASD/ADHD or any other neuro diverse condition. It just doesn't. In the same way a paralysed person can't walk, no matter how much they might want to.

The ADHD is irrelevant. It may or may not be a genuine contributor to his lack of contact. But you like and want MORE contact and he is unwilling/unable to deliver that, so this relationship is not for you.

I have ADHD. I pick up on subtle signals, I go out of my way to communicate with people (probably not always as clearly as they would like, but...) and if I want something (or someone) then I make pretty damn sure that I put my all into getting it or them.

Think about why you broke up. Because nothing has changed. You can either live with the way he is, or you can't, and behaviour doesn't get any better just because you can put a label on it.

"If they wanted to, they would" is balls. You wouldn't say that to a one-legged person, who said they couldn't kick a ball would you?
The reason ADHD is a REGISTERED DISABILITY is because it means the person lives with behaviours that they are largely unable to control. That's the whole fucking point.

Not fancying doing the washing up but finally doing it because you see it needs doing and no one else will do it = NT.

Not able to do the washing up but seeing it needs doing and desperately wanting to do it = ND.

I have adhd and crippling rsd which is a completely disproportionate response to rejection of any form. I rarely initiate things. Fortunately dh is my opposite, and our relationship got off the ground.

So yes, I think it could very well be an adhd thing. Also we can be out of sight out of mind, to the extent of forgetting people exist. Or we can be constantly thinking “I must text xxx” and not quite able that thought into action.

If you don’t want to have a relationship on those terms, and he isn’t able to rise to yours, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with calling it a day.

For the most part, dh isn’t tolerating me or putting up with me- the balance of his perception of my brilliance vs my annoyance is tipped in our favour. It may be a greater kindness to let this guy find someone who isn’t irritated by his way of being in the world

I wouldn't say it's an ADHD thing, my husband has it and messages me a LOT.
Usually people with ADHD will develop hyperfocus when it comes to things they are interested in and they trump everything else.

There is a lot of ignorance about ADHD on this thread 🤦‍♀️

If we could just do it or turn on our “hyper focus” superpower, life would be fuckin peachy!

I see the OP has left the thread already.

There is a lot of ignorance about ADHD on this thread

There always is. But the ableist posts won't be deleted.

This.

Again.

Exactly. My DH has ADHD and he calls me at least 3 times a day. Even when we were dating he'd call every day and text constantly.

I wish people would stop using ADHD as an excuse for shitty behaviour. Yes, there are some things caused by a person having ADHD but if the care enough they will put the correct tools in place to help with that.

Sounds like the guy just wasn't that into you OP.

Thanks for all your input. It's fascinating to read the polar opposite responses.

I guess what I need to remember is how his ADHD works out for him and compare him to how he used to be rather than compare to others with ADHD.

And there's absolutely no change to how he used to be!