Can anyone shed some light on this behaviour please? Very confusing

[Londonlass819]

My lovely friend is going through an awful time in her marriage. I can't fathom what's going on.

Been together 20 years, married for 2, 3 primary aged DC. No change in her behaviour at all, she adores him.

He's become very cold, distant, says he doesn't trust her, he thinks she doesn't love him anymore, thinks she wants to leave. She's told him over and over that's not true (and it's not!). He wants counselling together.

She's trying herself in knots trying to reassure him but she's doesn't know how to.

No suggestion of an affair on his part. He WFH, hasn't the time or opportunity.

He's had his head turned

Everyone has opportunity for infidelity. Unless they're under 24/7 supervision.

But anyway, could be mental health issue - would she have any hope of getting him to the doctor?

She could potentially agree to the counselling and insist both do individual as well.

I really don't think he has. Like I said, he WFH, doesn't socialise (other than playing football), he's not protective of his phone etc.

Has she asked him what's changed to make him lose trust in her? As in, (she asks him) has anything happened to him or what he has heard to make him feel less secure about their marriage.

In her shoes, I'd definitely be trying to get to the bottom of why he's feeling like this - asking him - rather than, or before, trying to "prove" myself.

She might think she hasn't done anything but he might see the same thing differently and it's unearthed his insecurities.

A really simple example might be; she could have been chatting to a friend's husband - completely innocently on her part, just normal chat - and he's seen her laughing at a joke and read more into it. In her mind it was a "nothing" interaction but in his mind he's seen flirting.

What's their relationship been like over the years? Has he been controlling/emotionally abusive that you're aware of (or have you ever suspected)?

When she asks, he just says its his gut feeling.

No previous difficulties, the only sticking point was getting married, he dragged his feet. He gives her the silent treatment occasionally, that's the only thing he's ever done that I haven't particularly liked but of course I don't know what really goes on behind closed doors , I think she'd have told me though.

The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour. It often goes hand in hand with other EA/controlling behaviours. She wouldn't necessarily recognise those behaviours for what they are - or be open about them. She might view it as disloyal or embarrassing or not bad enough.

I'd just be wondering if he's escalating, if there is that dynamic. (In which case, joint counselling would be a bad idea).