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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another husband and work colleague one...

32 replies

NRVZ · 13/12/2023 20:23

He has a group of work friends that is close to, and his best "work friend" is a female colleague around my age. I have met her a few times and she always seemed very nice and warm. I won't lie and I was suspicious initially but she is married and has kids too, and I let it go because he can obviously be friends with whoever he wants. It's just a bit grating to hear your DH and another woman being referrred to as the "dream team" in work even if this is just a work related term.

I met her yesterday by chance, and said hello as we obviously know each other a bit and she was very different. She was polite but seemed uncomfortable, so I assumed that she had just been busy or stressed. I told DH that I had met her and that we'd chatted and noticed that he tensed up and changed the topic fairly quickly. Normally this wouldn't make me wonder but somehow it did because they had both been strange.

DH and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch recently. Nothing major but everyday stress really. He's definitely been more short tempered and irritable than usual, though he has always had form for it, but I have probably also not been blameless either. So maybe I am just being paranoid because of this. Now my insecurities are back and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
LambriniBobinIsleworth · 13/12/2023 20:27

Whilst I think men and women can be friends and that this often happens at work, and harm myself have had and do have platonic male friends at work, I'd say don't ignore your gut. Do some digging.

Oliveandrose · 13/12/2023 20:29

As above, listen to your gut.

Isthisreasonable · 13/12/2023 20:30

If you've been having problems in your marriage perhaps he's been sounding off to her and that's why they're both awkward?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2023 20:31

It's not being paranoid if you're right.

NewMeNewUs · 13/12/2023 20:33

I also agree about not ignoring your gut. Do some digging. Look down his phone tonight

FPCculture · 13/12/2023 20:53

One of those ey. Stay suspicious ,not because he is doing something but work wife/husband is a thing unfortunately

Original poster
NRVZ · 13/12/2023 22:08

Thanks I just feel awful doing this

OP posts:
Lifeasiknowitisout · 13/12/2023 22:13

You feel awful for doing what?

WandaWonder · 13/12/2023 22:14

Talk to him don't play games

Inaspot21 · 13/12/2023 22:15

Isthisreasonable · 13/12/2023 20:30

If you've been having problems in your marriage perhaps he's been sounding off to her and that's why they're both awkward?

I agree with this… it might be something as simple as he has been going to her about your marital problems which made her feel a little awkward seeing you.

Mischance · 13/12/2023 22:18

WandaWonder · 13/12/2023 22:14

Talk to him don't play games

I agree with this. You are partnership and if your gut is telling you that this is being threatened this needs to be out in the open so that you can both deal with it.

Workplace attractions are two a penny - they are the norm. It is what people do about it that really matters.

MsDogLady · 13/12/2023 22:38

Your niggles are valid, @NRVZ. It sounds like something significant has happened between them.

Your H is creating distance between you by being more irritable and
short-tempered. This woman behaved very differently with you yesterday and seemed uncomfortable. When you later mentioned chatting with her, H too seemed uncomfortable and changed the subject.

I think something illicit has been said/has occurred/is occurring, and they have a new dynamic now. I would be investigating his phone and statements if you have access, as well as his pockets and car.

Even if you don’t find anything, I would still confront him about his irritability and how it affects you and the relationship. I’d also discuss the importance of keeping strong boundaries in the face of life stressors, as it’s easy to be tempted by flattery and energized by ego boosts, and there is so much to lose.

LolaSmiles · 13/12/2023 22:41

It doesn't necessarily mean anything is going on, but I'd suspect he's been using her as a sounding board about issues in the marriage, which is why she was awkward around you.

What he needs to be doing now, if he has sense, is to maintain a friendly and professional relationship but pull back some of the more personal or friends side of the relationship.

Opentooffers · 14/12/2023 00:17

Or one or the other has made a move and the other has rebuked it, or a line has been crossed, so now the friendship has turned awkward. You might find there's a bit less chat about it going forward.

Aikko · 14/12/2023 08:14

LolaSmiles · 13/12/2023 22:41

It doesn't necessarily mean anything is going on, but I'd suspect he's been using her as a sounding board about issues in the marriage, which is why she was awkward around you.

What he needs to be doing now, if he has sense, is to maintain a friendly and professional relationship but pull back some of the more personal or friends side of the relationship.

^^This

Frasers · 14/12/2023 08:21

Feel awful doing what? Breaching his privacy due to insecurity?

there is nothing here, other than an imagined they were both tense. I’d focus on fixing your marriage, not making it worse myself.

Torganer · 14/12/2023 08:36

They may have had a falling out at work? Maybe she’s been promoted and he’s jealous or the other way round. I have many friends I used to work with who I still stay in touch with and often meet for drinks. No attraction whatsoever.

C1N1C · 14/12/2023 08:40

Yet somehow my wife saying 'work husband' is fine...

Unless he's been staying five hours late, going on an unusual number of after work get-togethers or gripping his phone every time you walk by, I think you're fine.

gannett · 14/12/2023 08:45

MsDogLady · 13/12/2023 22:38

Your niggles are valid, @NRVZ. It sounds like something significant has happened between them.

Your H is creating distance between you by being more irritable and
short-tempered. This woman behaved very differently with you yesterday and seemed uncomfortable. When you later mentioned chatting with her, H too seemed uncomfortable and changed the subject.

I think something illicit has been said/has occurred/is occurring, and they have a new dynamic now. I would be investigating his phone and statements if you have access, as well as his pockets and car.

Even if you don’t find anything, I would still confront him about his irritability and how it affects you and the relationship. I’d also discuss the importance of keeping strong boundaries in the face of life stressors, as it’s easy to be tempted by flattery and energized by ego boosts, and there is so much to lose.

Absolutely insane advice based on nothing at all. If your partner maybe looking a bit tense is apparently solid enough evidence to invade their privacy - I'd be averaging 100 affairs per year if that were the case - I feel sorry for yours.

Frasers · 14/12/2023 09:56

gannett · 14/12/2023 08:45

Absolutely insane advice based on nothing at all. If your partner maybe looking a bit tense is apparently solid enough evidence to invade their privacy - I'd be averaging 100 affairs per year if that were the case - I feel sorry for yours.

Show quote history

Agree, just awful. Two people tense or irritable, oh yeah they must be shagging. Not just going through some stuff at work or personal life. Nope. He’s cheating. Snoop on him, search his pockets and car. Really go to town and let the crazy out.

Dery · 14/12/2023 10:04

“If you've been having problems in your marriage perhaps he's been sounding off to her and that's why they're both awkward?”

I think this is probably the explanation.

bawbells · 14/12/2023 10:11

Could they have had a falling out? Could he have mentioned you to her and said something negative?

Besttobe8001 · 14/12/2023 10:20

Saying that she is married and has kids doesn't mean anything to be honest. I am single and I think I'm probably less likely to end up having an affair with a married man than some married women I know!

alphadawg · 14/12/2023 11:10

It's all very well talking to him but how many men would immediately hold up their hands and admit to an affair? Most would be more likely to gaslight and lie which would make the op doubt herself even more while alerting him to her suspicions and helping him to cover his tracks (if he is up to no good obviously).

Personally I would do some quiet digging first and see if there is any evidence before raising it with him. Hopefully there's some other explanation.

Original poster
NRVZ · 16/12/2023 10:02

I talked to him and he said they had a falling out in work alright, and that it's awkward because other colleagues have taken sides. It makes sense considering that he's been grumpy and short tempered

OP posts: