Partner and working hours

[Teethytash]

For those of you who have a partner who works long hours, how do you manage your expectations of family life without feeling frustrated?

My partner works long hours, fairly well paid job which has great progression options.

He leaves the house around 5.45am before any of us wake, and usually arrives home by 6.30pm this is 5 days a week usually with Saturdays thrown in unless I ask him not to work the weekend.

I'm struggling with what I think is loneliness and feeling really frustrated that I'm doing nearly everything on my own. All school drop offs and pick ups are down to me, I work full time too then I'm juggling supper, play, and starting dinner and some days activities drop off for our eldest.

He does bath time for the youngest the minute he walks in the house, and cooks one day per week, we also have a cleaner to ease the load so it's not about house work it's just the fact he's barely here.

Am I being over sensitive?

Is the issue that you are not getting any time to yourself, it's a constant go go go from work kids cooking etc?

Is he not home until 6.30pm on Sat too?

6.30pm is not that late home but if it's full on for you until then...when do you get time?

I managed by:
*Stopping at 2 kids. I said he would have to change jobs if no 3 ever came along!
*The childminder gave the children dinner

• Pay for a babysitter if you want to go out/do a class etc.
• Cook double some days so no cooking the next day, just reheat it. *keep your friends

My dh did do the school runs though (along with working 60ish hours a week!).

In my experience, a job with hours like that only works if the other parent doesn’t work full time. If both parents work full time, a nanny is the norm to handle it all. However if it’s not the workload and just wanting him around more then nothing will fix that other than him cutting hours.

Some people won’t care, others would care a lot. Can he nix the Saturdays entirely?

@Hello39 thanks for your reply, I think partly it's because he's out of the house for 13 hours and misses us in the morning entirely and gets maybe 45 mins in the evening with the youngest.

He can't help with any school runs, essentially ever which makes me feel a little sad for our kids?

Saturdays he's usually finished by 3pm but may want to get a hair cut for example as its the only time he can make it to the barber shop while it's open which is fair enough but still impacts home life.

I think things just feel mundane.

@Didimum I think you've hit the nail on the head there really, it's not the workload or the childcare. I'm lucky that my kids are well behaved, and like I said we outsource housework as that was getting on top of me.

I'd just like him to be home more but maybe I'm being needy

Feel somewhat lucky, I leave home at 7:30am and do not get home until 9 at 3/4 times a week, baby will arrive soon so I guess I should slow down. As you wok full time I think you are right to feel shit about this, I think you should speak to him to atleast guarantee weekends to the family.

You want what you want. There is nothing wrong with having needs and expressing them in a healthy way. You do sound a bit wishy washy in what you actually want from him though. It sounds like you want him to miss you and the DC rather than actually anything tangible. You can't control his feelings and emotions. But you can ask him to take a more active role.

Are his working hours something he actually has control over?

Tell him you really appreciate how hard he works. But you would like him to be home more. You need to be specific in what you want him to do - you want him to do the morning school run, you want him home in time to make tea or you want him to bin off working Saturdays.

I suppose we are a bit like this, although my husband gets home just after 1800 as he picks up from nursery at 1800. We have made it work for us and I feel we have really good quality family time.

He’s out in the morning very early so I do drop off. I try and finish just after 1800 when I can. We have a snack with the little one (well they have a snack!), he does bath/bed/story whilst I cook, and we sit down to eat together and chat, maybe a glass of wine. Sometimes both of us have a bit of work we do in the evening both on the laptop and once or twice a month one of us out having a catch up with a friend. Our child is a great sleeper so I feel we get most evenings to ourselves.

I think the issue maybe weekend work? I have a group I run once a month and it eats into Saturdays as it’s often 1300-1600, but am considering giving it up.

We also have a cleaner so try and spend all weekend doing fun family things and no housework or chores. Would he be able to cut the work to once a month?

You shouldn’t label yourself as needy, nor let anyone else label you, because you want enough quality time in your marriage. My DH is also home 6:30 weekdays (as am I) and I would hate for him to work Saturdays too.

My husband works long hours, he's a kitchen manager, and I've worked full time whilst our child was growing up. As our son got older, nearly 18, it was less demanding for me and I filled my time with hobbies like quilting, sewing and cross stitch. My husband works most weekend and I tend do do something with my son/mum one day at weekend.

If unmarried I’d be concerned that you were financially vulnerable. All the drudge work is on your shoulders while he’s furthering his career.

if he’s earning enough he should be buying in cleaner, gardener to replace some of his missing support

I don't think you are being needy.
I think it is fairly usual to want to share your life with your partner - and, to me that includes sharing both the ups and downs of parenting too.

However how much of this working pattern is within his control ?

That is such an early start. Why is he away all those hours, is the question really - is there anything he could do to change that? Not working Saturdays would seem a good place to start ? Or can he do whatever else it is he does, in a different place - if much of this is a long commute, or a culture particular to his employers ? Does he have an option to go part time - say work 4 days a week rather than 6, which sounds like it could still be a 'normal' full working week?

Did you really not discuss this before you had children? A job will always have to come first. One of the (several) reasons I never had children was due to the demands of my husband's career - I never wanted to be a "single parent", or as good as.

Is it his job that specifically requires these hours or is it the travelling time?

Is the Saturday overtime?

how many hours a week is he doing?

Id be irked too but I think that’s because you are doing a lot of the leg work in regards to the children whereas he is just getting up and more or less looking after himself.

I do think the balance could be improved in your favour

However thd plus side to all this is you will never regret spending that time with your kids whereas you might if the boot was on the other foot and you were doing his hours

A job does not always have to come first. It’s a choice to prioritise work or your family. If your work does not suit then you can change roles.

@Curlywurlycaz2 @UsingChangeofName he doesn't have any control over his hours unfortunately. He's contracted to 50 hours per week then with the commute on top and working extra hours here and there it all adds up. Commute is around 1 hour currently but this may change once this project is complete and they move elsewhere.

@Hbh17 he didn't work in this role when we first had children, but made the move for better pay, and better progression opportunities.

@Swishyfishy we're not married, I'm not sure where the concern for my financial situation came in? Our salaries are comparable, we pay an equal share of household bills, and I have more equity in our property protected by a deed of trust. So I have no concerns there.

Thank you to the rest of you too for your contribution and thoughts, I think I will discuss only doing 1 Saturday per month and see if that makes a difference.

I had a similar situation going on. My husband and I worked opposite shifts and he worked weekends. When kids started arriving (we ended up having three), it actually worked for us because we avoided paying for child care, as we really could not afford it. However, I realized, few years in, that this was seriously affecting our marriage. We were practically living like single parents. We had very little time together as a family and almost none as a couple. I tried to compensate by waiting for him to come home, which was super late, and would then have very little sleep before going to work. I tried to talk to him about this, but he was not very open to discussion. He liked working evenings and the industry he was working in. We did manage to stay together for twenty-five years before I finally decided I wanted to separate, but good portion of this time I felt really disconnected from him.

Bottom line is, if this is bothering you now, it will not get better over time. Try to talk to your partner and see how you can work it out for everyone’s benefit. Good luck op.

I agree with @Didimum as the job does not come first. Naive thing to say.

Children are forever. You can change jobs easily.

@Mysteriousgirl2 @Didimum I totally agree on that one.

@Hbh17 I'm sorry that was one of the deciding factors for you to not have children

Is it being the default parent you don't like? Or that you feel he doesn't want to put his family first?

@MightyGoldBear he definitely tries to put us first but is restricted time wise because of his working hours. He tries his best to do as much parenting as possible but it's difficult with so little time free.

Will there potentially be more downtime when the project ends? I'd definitely discuss doing no weekends or one Saturday. You're definitely not being oversensitive. What's the point of being in a relationship if he isn't enriching your life and making it easier?

Maybe you can sit down together and delegate more tasks to him that would make your life easier. Does he take on board your loneliness and frustrations with life?does he plan quality time with you when he is there? Does he appreciate all the benefits he gets to his life and work having you as his partner doing more of the lion share.

Would he consider changing jobs/hours?

I share in the financial benefits from his long hours. That makes a huge difference. Every raise belongs to both of us. Every bonus belongs to both of us. He couldn’t work his job if I wasn’t picking up some of his responsibilities with our child so his money is our money.

I was miserable and lonely and all the time off and money and paid help in the world didn't make any difference to that. It didn't last. He's much happier now with his new career driven partner and me with my normal working hours partner.