Don't know what to do!

[Nightmare654]

So I caught my partner of 5 years messaging another woman. When I challenged him, he admitted he was flirting with her and promptly deleted all the messages right in front of me when I asked to see them. This led to me throwing him out of the house and we have been living separately since (last week).

He has come clean to say he was basically having an emotional affair with this woman, who he works with, that he has been leaning on her like a partner because we haven't been on good terms since having a baby last year. He says nothing sexual has happened past flirting and that this has really only been going on for a couple of months. Of course, I only have his word as he deleted any evidence for or against right in front of me.

We do have a lot of issues at the moment. I have been struggling with being at home with the baby, dealing with the mountain of household chores (he will do some dishes sometimes and pick things up off floor but that's really it - he makes more mess than he sorts) and I had PND and found him very overbearing in the newborn stage. I have lost my libido and don't want to have sex with him. There are some personal hygiene issues too and I swear I have to ask him to clean the toilet after himself at least once a week 🙄. I have brought this all up time and time again with no change. I have thought of leaving this year but didnt as I was hoping things would get better once I get back to work and we get settled into a bit of normalcy.

This EA has really really thrown me though. The fact that he has deleted the messages and told me he couldn't restore them essentially tells me I'm never going to see them. This is so so frustrating and I feel like I'm in limbo, not really sure of what actually happened and unsure if I can really move forward. I have agreed to go to counselling with him to try to salvage the relationship for the sake of our baby and the love I think we do have for each other deep down. But I can't help feeling like I can't get past this bit, that I'm not fully informed, that he is in full control of the narrative and I"ll always resent him for it.

He tells me he has blocked her and won't see her again. He has also promised me he will do anything to make things right including helping out more in the house. I think the shock of me telling him of eff off may have done it this time - he does seem genuinely keen to make a change. I have barely seen him since throwing him out as I'm so upset and angry about the whole situation.

Any advice would be appreciated. Please be kind, it's been a rough few days...

You ask him ‘ what do you want from this relationship?’ ( as in you and him)
He tells you that he wants to be with you - so that’s your way to discuss what a healthy relationship looks like - you need to talk

I am sorry you have been through this and I am sorry that at the moment your DH has not grasped what his role is in looking after you and your baby - some men need to grow up
Please don’t make excuses for him - you deserve better than you have been getting

I sincerely hope you get this sorted - you and your baby deserve better

Good luck OP

What platform were the messages on ? For instance WhatsApp messages can be restored though it takes some faffing about including removing and reinstalling the app.

this happens quite a lot when women have babies. My Mother always said it’s because they were so jealous of the baby having attention.

My boyfriend just moved in with me and we fell asleep on the bed and I woke up with him on the couch and said he was sleeping on the couch cause he thinks I'm cheating. He's been in bad relationship where he was cheated on. I'm a good woman and I don't think that dirty way. I think he's cheating on me

'There are some personal hygiene issues too and I swear I have to ask him to clean the toilet after himself at least once a week 🙄. I have brought this all up time and time again with no change.'

Essentially he is a dirty bugger who resents you.

His mooning at another woman is because he wants her to fawn over him and tell him how wonderful he is because he's a weak man who can't pull his weight at home and doesn't like your criticism of his disgusting ways.

He's probably told her that your a horrible nag.

Is this really a man you want to raise a child with and spend the rest of your life with?

Sorry to hear that Nicolette45 but you should start your own thread or it will derail OPs.

OP there can be only one reason that he deleted the texts so quickly before you had a chance to read them and that's self-preservation because he's lying through his teeth about it just being 'flirting'. The first thing they do is minimise, minimise, minimise. I'm so sorry.

Maybe one of the more techy MNers can suggest a way to access them.

the loss of libido after having a baby is somewhat normal, certainly not unusual.
if you are not sexually attracted to him (hygiene issues) really doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. add to this the fact that he was having an EA after 5 years (which really isn't long when you consider lifetime 40+ year relationships), he should be right into helping care for the baby and into family building vs ego building.
i'd suggest ending the relationship until you fancy the pants off of him (which might be in 20 years time if ever).
do consider if his hygiene issues are significant the other woman may have dumped him.

Sorry OP but I don't trust people like your partner that when the time is kind of difficult instead of focusing to solve what is wrong in the inside look to evade themselves with someone on the outside. All those efforts he put flirting he could put them helping you and building a strong bond with you and the baby.

My view in this is very strong, I think they are weak, cowards, entitled and can't be trusted.

I believe it is WhatsApp yes. The next time I see him I am going to ask for his phone and just have a rummage to see if they can be restored. He says his biggest mistake was panicking and deleting them and has tried to get them back himself so he shouldn't kick up a fuss about this. But if they truly can't be recovered I don't know how I am going to process that. I feel like we wouldn't be going forward on equal footing and the sneakiness of it all will just forever disgust me.

Thanks @Restinggoddess. He says poor communication between us has led to this happening, though he isnt shirking away from the responsibility for his own duplicity. I think this is definitely true but I have been trying thoughout this year to talk to him to alleviate some of our issues and he made the choice over and over again not to take any of it on board, leading to more and more frustration and resentment. So it's whether he follows up what he says with actions.

He tells me he never talked about me with her, but again, he can't verify this with evidence! And yes he can be a bit of a stinker with the toilet. The fact it keeps happening over and over again is baffling to me because I'd be so embarrassed if someone had to say something to me about it.

He will be in my life and raising my child whether I want him to or not. At the very least we'll be coparenting. He does love our baby and I think he does love me, but I don't know how much he has really valued my input over the last year. Certainly, he has just assumed that mess will be picked up and tidied by me and even when I told him to do more, he knew he didn't really have to because I would end up doing it anyway when he didn't bother. He admits he knows he could have treated me better and will do from now on...

This is what worries me. He has form for minimalising because he is a massive people pleaser and hates any kind of confrontation/conflict. Except with me of course 🙃

@CurlsnSunshinetime4tea the sex thing is a massive problem. It is at the point where even if he tries to kiss my neck or hug me from behind when I'm not expecting it I would just freeze and feel uncomfortable. Breastfeeding, stress, PND and just my resentment of my partner has not made me interested at all. I feel like he needs to make much more effort before I can even think of having sex again and adding this other woman on top of it is just another layer of revulsion to work through.

@Epidote I agree, and it is so disappointing to me. I never thought he was like this!

I'm sure there's a more efficient way to quote respond to your replies sorry, I'm not really a mumsnet veteran

This is what happened to me apart from he wouldn't admit anything other than it crossed a line and they got close..but he did the same deleted lots but left MSG's to make it look like a conversation but even what was left made it clear what it was. The not knowing is the worst because you'll flip between it wasn't anything more than a ego boost to thinking full blown affair. I'm a year on and it eats away at me and trying to exit as I've given it time, I've given him so many opportunities to be honest and the storey changes or it's met with silence or I did X y and z because of how you would react. The last reason was her husband was having an affair and he would see her crying so it was only natural to comfort her lol and then put me through what she was going through. Yeah that if it's true is actually way worse. 😂

Unfortunately it is always the tip of the Ice Berg. It's awful isn't it we risk it all starting a family and looking after babies when men can literally start another relationship on the side whilst you are there doing all the heavy work, the majority of the childcare and you think he would never do that to me mentality, and when it happens it's like you don't even recognise them anymore. You know nothing is certain anymore and you just can't build on those foundations. Even if he becomes really open leaves his phone out cuts contact. Can you really trust him again?

Sorry to say but he’s definitely done more than text and get close. Thats the only reason he would have deleted the messages so promptly. He didn’t want you to see.

Its your decision but I would struggle to come back from the EA alone!

Leave, or continue to put up with it.

He isn't going to stop unless he wants to.
He isn't going to change unless he wants to.

There will be more women. There has probably been multiple women since the beginning.

He is dirty. He doesn't seem to add value to your life.

Don't have anymore children by him.

Don't give him any more time, energy, space, body, mind, etc...

You'll never trust him again.

Get yourself and life together.

Don't raise nor teach your child that it is okay to remain in an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship and environment.

Don't teach your child to be someone's doormat.

Perhaps therapy for you would be beneficial. Learn to love and respect yourself. Make better decisions.

I spent some time with him today. He is very apologetic and wants to stress that none of this is my fault, that he knows he was wrong and was in the process of 'winding down' the EA even though he was still talking to her (he took me out for a drink and then was messaging her at the bar - this is how I caught him out). I got a lot of my feelings out but I don't think we made any progress. He misses living at home and we're stuck on the practicalities of him getting to see our baby regularly. I don't want him in the house.

The messages are well and truly gone. She is blocked.

I was so hurt today seeing him. I've been crying most of the evening whilst trying to care for the baby. I feel so rotten and embarrassed and shit and angry.

I don't know if I can ever trust him again or love him the way I did. For our child though I feel like I have to try? Is it wrong to throw the towel in so soon?

He wants to crawl back, so that means that you hold the cards for now. Take your time to process it, keep him gone for now, have as much time as you need.
Work out what you want and need to get through this either with or without him. It doesn't have to matter that the messages have gone. You can insist that he tells you exactly who it was if he hasn't already, then get her side if and when you feel up to it. If he refuses to say who, keep him gone. Bear in mind though, if it turns out that OW is in a relationship too, she may well minimise too.
He has to start doing the work before being considered to return. You should not reconcile based on his promises of change, he has to prove and do the changing over months before he can return. If he won't fight for you for a few months, he's just not good enough to have around.

Wait he was msging her at the bar when you went out today or that's how you originally found it all out?

All I can say is I have been in a similar situation. That limerence I mentioned further up the thread. A lot of the time it fizzles out right but this is usually when it becomes physical or progresses/ runs it's course and they realise that just like everyone else, they aren't perfect and off the pedestal they go ect and the fantasy starts to fade.
When you have been with someone awhile, it's real life you see their flaws get comfortable life can be more struggles than fun at times etc whereas with the crush/fantasy they build up a lot in their head and get that excitement and just see the good stuff.

What I'm trying to get at is because stuff hasn't happened (as he says) he is still in the same place all that's happened is you are aware of it. Maybe that's enough to shatter the fantasy.

I'm just not sure though it's not a recent thing, he has a weird history with her which shows his pining can last yearrrs with this individual and I wouldn't be surprised if they have this secret relationship where he gets breadcrumbed by her to keep him there whilst she enjoys being desired in-between guys she's genuinely wants to be with.

It took him getting caught out for him to suddenly now want to change and for you two to work at it? When its being going on for months? No way you deserve better. He will only do it again and cannot be trusted its not like its been a few days even weeks its been MONTHS. He shouldn't of done it in the first place and instead supported you and the two of you work through it together. He sounds weak in that you give birth, our bodies, hormones change massively and he has to seek comfort elsewhere for what he is going through? Honestly men irritate me a real mn would have been supporting you and been your rock to work on the relationship. Certainly keep him away for a while if you are even considering getting back with him.

@Nightmare654 I am sorry this is happening to you. These situations really frustrate me on your behalf as not only does the man lie and deceive but when they are caught, they continue to lie. I highly doubt he was “winding down” his affair when he was messaging her in front of you! If I were you I would ask for this girls number and contact her. Ask her what’s been going on. You may not get the total truth depending on her own relationship status but you may get more than he’s telling you. Is it practical he could move jobs or even departments so he doesn’t work with her anymore? There’s no way I would consider taking him back whilst he’s still working with her. Whatever he says, he’s become emotionally reliant on her. Once the panic of losing his stable life has waned, comfort will set in and he will most likely lean back towards her especially if they see each other most days. When men don’t leave on their terms, they tend to panic and their instinct is to fight for their safety net and to be with their child. He isn’t in control now and he won’t like that. He would have wanted to leave when he had things settled and a plan. I know you will want to believe his minimised version but if there’s one thing for certain he is still not telling you the full truth. They never do.

@Tiredofthiss Yes that's how I found out originally. I am not sure how this would have progressed - she is apparently moving country next month but no doubt they would have kept in close touch if I hadn't found out. At no point was part of his 'winding down' blocking her or not talking to her or telling her how inappropriate he and her were behaving. Considering he was still talking to her while out on a date with me, I don't know what his dogshit idea of 'winding down' was even supposed to be. Perhaps the distance would have enhanced the fantasy of her even further.

@Opentooffers I know who she is, I've met her. I've spent time with her with my partner and my baby. She and her boyfriend split up and that's when my partner became her shoulder to cry on. I thought she was very nice and never considered her a threat because I trusted him entirely. To say I'm hurt and shattered that they've treated me like this is an understatement. I appreciate what you say about not letting him back until he shows change rather than spouting off promises of this and that. He never changed before.

@Thewondererhasreturned he says buying me cheap convenience store flowers and taking me out for a drink counts as trying to make things work in the days before I found him out. I'm now just thinking he felt guilty and these were pathetic little gestures to make him feel like a better man.

@Nightmareonpofstreet I don't want to contact her to be honest, she disgusts me. I have met her before several times and always found her to be lovely before this, which makes her even more repulsive to me now. She is apparently moving countries next month and he won't be seeing her before she goes (so he says).

He was in an office of people who were at a different stage of their lives to us (including her). He used to come home and tell me how tiresome it was to listen to them talk about drinking all the time and bragging about sex and having no responsibilities. I think now this was all exciting to him and I was his drab and boring and nagging reality waiting at home. He is very concerned with what people think of him though and wouldn't want to look like a bad partner or disinterested father on the outside by leaving.

Spending time with him today was almost good for a time - making small talk and interacting with our baby together. But then when I got home I was so miserable. I even started wondering where he went after and who he might have met 😞

@Nightmare654 it’s understandable you feel betrayed. Have you noticed though how in your last post you say you find her disgusting yet you talk about him in almost a nice way? It’s understandable you are angry with her but don’t let that cloud the bigger issue of what your husband has done. It also sounds like he’s been a really lousy partner before all this. I think I could maybe forgive a drunken one night stand where they instantly regretted it and admitted to it straight away more than an emotional affair that’s been ongoing for months where they do things like message that person right in front of me. Then deleting all evidence. It’s the ongoing lies and deceit that would kill it for me, and the fact he’s still telling you lies now. Only you can decide what you can and can’t live with though. It sounds like you want to give it another go, but don’t feel rushed into that just because it’s coming up to Xmas. Anything swept under the carpet now will only rear its head much worse later. 💐