Please be gentle and bear with me - yes I have posted before .
2 weeks ago I took an overdose with a view to ending my life. I meant it . It didn't work . My neighbour saw my door was propped open for my dogs . She called an ambulance. Two days later one of my dogs had to be put to sleep with an aggressive cancer . So I am feeling very fragile and posting here may be a huge mistake. Please please if you want to berate me , just scroll on . Please .
This is a very long story .
I had a very abusive childhood and was homeless at 16 when I met my husband. He was kind and safe . He was my best friend. He took me in . He was lovely but he made it clear he wanted more than a friendship and under pressure I felt obligated to reciprocate- when I didn't he made steps to leave the job we both worked and I'd have been alone . We married very young . I had children very young . I was 19 and 25 . We had a difficult life but we got along .
When I was 42 , and I believe in the throes of menopause, I developed feelings for someone else . My head was turned . Not wanting an affair I told my husband and impulsively I moved out .
My son had left home . My daughter was just going to uni . I lost all perspective, sense and confidence.
I embarked on the most toxic relationship possible. 5 years, a dead baby and a lot of abuse later I left .
I've now been alone for 5 years. Lived in a rented house alone . I decided it was time to broach divorce and financial settlement with my husband. We have been friends throughout. However 18 months ago he found a new partner and I became ill. I'm being investigated for MS and have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia which has caused some financial difficulties and stress for me as well as mobility problems.
My dh refuses to discuss our finances . I'm still on our joint mortgage. I only stopped paying half 4 months ago. I've paid because I felt guilty. I felt I owed him . There are 6 years left on the mortgage. He is 57 so I carried on but now my health issues mean I need off that mortgage and to get one of my own .
I've tried to discuss divorce . He won't reply to my messages. I've said I'll wait to check if I have MS because we have critical illness which covers MS. But if it's not - we need to divorce , financially separate and go our separate ways.
He refuses to even respond to me now .
But our dd is firmly on his side and has sent me awful messages.
I love her so much but she won't listen. I've tried to say I'm perfectly open to reason - I don't want to make him homeless at all - there's 100k equity in the house and I've said if he can release funds for a small deposit for me to buy my own place and come off the mortgage I'll be more than happy.
I've been so unwell . I've had an optic neuritis, thought I had a brain tumour , or Multiple Sclerosis which is still to be ruled out. She accuses me of making it all up for attention. I've had a lot of red herrings in my diagnosis, including latent tb and Lyme disease , she thinks I've made this up . She says her dad doesn't want anything to do with me , and she doesn't blame him . She barely speaks to me .
She rang my son saying I was going after half the house. He knew that wasn't my style and rang me . I tried to get dh to talk and a month ago I employed a solicitor because he refused to discuss anything.
Then dd sent really nasty messages, she wants her Xmas presents but doesn't want to see me or talk to me . She says she has her own life and I don't care about that. Says with a laughing emoji the only reason I've halted proceedings is I can't likely afford the solicitor (and yes - she was right - I didn't have a 1k upfront although my friend has offered to lend me it however my dog just cost me £600 - when I took him to vet and it was very unexpected but he needed to be PTS there and then she insisted I wait for her to get there and invited my husband without telling me because she said it should be done as a family .
It was awful.
I'm glad they came but we just went our separate ways in the car park - 🅿️ d asked if they wanted to come to mine for a tea , so I just lost my closest companion and then we just all went out separate ways. It was awful.
I didn't not know how to mend my relationship with my dd. I try and try . I message . I ask if I can call . I ask if Incan see her . The answer is always no .
She just bought a house with her partner with a big w kitchen and dining room and I suggested maybe I and her dad and his girlfriend could get together for Xmas . I said I certainly wouldn't mind that if they didn't .
She said she wouldn't feel comfortable and her dad no longer wants to see me or speak to me .
I've tried so so hard to be reasonable. I don't want this . But what can I do now ?
The only thing that will make dd and dh happy is if I walk away with nothing and just disappear quietly .
I can't afford to do that . I just want a small deposit from our equity so I have some security into old age . He doesn't want me . So I can't see what the issue is? He's clearly talking to our dd and she's firmly made up her mind in the bad guy here and should walk away with nothing.
When I took my overdose it was with a view to them getting my pension, my life insurance and being financially sorted. It wasn't a cry for help. It was a legitimate attempt that failed . I wished it hadn't . I was angry. I was angry at the ambulance when they turned up because I just wanted to be left alone . Dd and dh do not know this . Dd is not a horrible child , she's just not had much life experience. Everything has been easy for her . She's 26 . Ds is kinder . He knows I fought for him a lot , he's 32 . I don't blame them . I just don't know how to make things better.