sex problems in marriage

[soupofpasta]

I'm looking for some advice to help save my marriage.

I have a few different issues which are making me try to avoid sex as much as possible. My DH is unsurprisingly fed up of years of this and keeps threatening to leave me, which isn't helping.

The first issue is some kind of trauma response from DV in a previous relationship. I often kind of dissociate and freeze up during sex. Me and DH been together 17 years and this only started maybe 8 years in, not sure why.

The second issue is body image problems. I have damage from childbirth which is apparently not bad enough for surgery but I just feel the whole area is ugly and I feel really un-sexy. My kids are teens but this only started about 1 year ago and compounded the first issue.

The third issue and actually quite a big issue , is that my whole life I am prone to UTIs and anyone who's had them will know how horrible it is. Mine are resistant to some antibiotics now and I avoid sex a lot for fear of getting one. The only trigger is sex, if I don't have sex I don't get UTI. The last two needed weeks of really heavy duty antibiotics with risks (Ciprofloxacin). This has been an issue my whole life but I hadn't had one for a decade until having two this year.

Please don't suggest counselling or private healthcare because there is no way we can afford either.

I am okay with giving him oral etc, and I do find him attractive, sexy etc. I do have a sex drive, it's just when it comes to it - 'it' being penetrative sex or anything to do with my vagina area - I just cannot. I get upset about my medical issues down there, or get really scared of another UTI. The trauma stuff is almost secondary, because I learnt to deal with that quite well it's less of an issue now, but must still be contributing.

Is there anything else we / I can do? maybe books or something?

Just come across this post as I have some similar issues. I also have a history of trauma that has previously created sexual issues, but I think that is mostly resolved. And like you, my bigger issues are feeling very ugly after not healing well from birth (but again, not so severe that I could get it fixed) and the risk of UTIs. Mine are also antibiotic-resistant, and a few years ago one resulted in a kidney infection, but my doctor didn't believe me as my symptoms were not typical, and then it became sepsis. I was lucky that this was picked up and treated quickly, but this was during a time when it was easy for me to see a GP and I actually went back four times that week until it was taken seriously. Fast forward to the last time I had a UTI, I couldn't even get a GP appointment and after several days I ended up at an out-of-hours clinic, and I live in fear of getting another and it spreading. The antibiotics have dreadful side effects as it is, but I am very scared of how dangerous it can actually get.

If your infections are due to a strain of E-coli, you can try taking D-mannose as a preventative as it stops the bacteria from sticking to the vagina wall. I take it before and after sex and again the next morning, it has helped a lot of women. But I admit that I am still paranoid and it has done a lot of damage to my marriage. I am working on it, and just wanted you to know that you are not alone. It is horrible when you want to be intimate with the person you love but there are genuine and serious risks to your health.

You don't mention your age. But being close to the menopause can make UTIS more common and more persistent. You could try HRT if this is the case. In addition, being menopausal causes alot of anxiety and other symptoms which you can google to see if any resonate with you.

I had very similar issues with UTIs. I now take D-mannose tablets daily and (fingers crossed) haven't had one in ages. Life changing for me.

I take this one

D-Mannose Tablets 1000mg | Easy Swallow Coated Tablets | 120 Pack | High Strength | Natural Relief & Vegan Friendly amzn.eu/d/coQ3HBX