What the hell is wrong with me tonight...

[squigglywig]

Someone please come douse me with some MN common sense...

My ex was abusive, frightening, cruel, deceitful, unfaithful, controlling, and obsessive. He was also loving, gentle, understanding, insightful, compassionate, open-minded and exciting.

I miss him and I loathe him.

Someone, please, come shake me out of this!

I wish I could.

My DH has been and is all of these things and I am still with him. I suppose it depends which traits were the stronger and governed your life. If it was the bad just dwell on that for a bit and get yourself feeling angry, always works for me.

Fortunately the good stuff generally wins out with DH but the bad days are very very bad.

Of course you miss him, that's normal, just don't let go of the reasons that he is ex.

Anyone who frightens you does not deserve to be a part of your life. Hold on to that.

Missing someone who was a part of your life is just a part of moving on from them.

Stay strong. He was a scumbag with a few good qualities (everyone has good things about them) - not a good man with a few faults! You deserve better!

The bad days were bloody awful. In the end though it was the inconsistency that did me in - "who is he today?" syndrome. And performing emotional gymnastics to try and avoid triggering the bad days only to fail again and again and again.

So why do I have this dreadful urge to ring him?

Do you know why you stay? What makes it worth it for you? How do you deal with the fallout from the bad days?

"Missing someone who was a part of your life is just a part of moving on from them."

Am about to write that out and stick it on my fridge!! Thank you!

Still feel bloody ridiculous for loving and missing a man who made my life hell, but, at least now I can say it's part of moving on!

It really is - ending a relationship is a bit like going through the grieving process. You have to let yourself feel everything you need to and not beat yourself up over it!

Keep yourself really strong about not going back there and then let yourself be upset and sad for a bit. You are allowed to be sad, you know, even though you don't want to be with him anymore .

Anytime you feel yourself weakening, get onto mumsnet and we'll give you a kick up your backside

Are you coping ok in general?

I stay because I don t really have to worry about triggering things off, I dont have to pussy foot round him or anything, if I did that would be a deal breaker for me. He doesnt get up in a bad mood and give me crap for no reason. I am not scared of him. He is a great father and he makes me laugh. A lot of his behaviours I see that he has absorbed from his pig of a father and I dont think he can help himself half the time. He can laugh at himself, which I think is very important.

He can be a total pig, has been verbally abusive and unfaithful to me and he is supremely selfish. As unhealthy as this sounds I try not to dwell on the bad stuff. I have my kids and we both love them so much. It is hard to hate someone who loves your kids as much as you do.

Its hard though. I sometimes think that if he had met someone younger and more naive than me he would have destroyed her. I always challenge his crappy behaviour but I dont think everyone could do that. Its very hard work.

In general I'm fine. Just being a twat this evening.

He was one of those men who really gets under your skin. Little comments and moments pop up every now and then which either set me off sobbing, or induce a fury hitherto unknown. Tonight I just had a string of those unwanted memories I think.

I get so angry when I realise how much damage I let him do. Then I get paranoid and start to wonder if really, he was right. Then I get upset and feel like I should call him. Then I realise I'm nuts and should get on MN

I used to challenge his shitty behaviour. Sometimes it'd sink in, sometimes it'd make things ten times worse. Then I'd think I'd not challenged him appropriately, or sensitively, or considerately, or whatever and conclude it was my fault. What a bloody fool I was.

Not anymore though, squiggle! You are free

You can call him the utter bastard that he is, without fear of reprimand!

We're all fools for love at some point or other, it's whether or not we choose to be with that person once the rose-tinted specs are off that shows us our strength.

AlMummy, you are in a dif situation - sounds like he's a good man with bad faults IYSWIM (not the other way around). You sound like a bit of a saint to have stood by him though

Bastard. Bastard. Bastard. Bastard.

Much better now! Ta!

In all seriousness though - how do you know when you need help with moving on, or sorting out the damage that a relationship did?

Is it one of those things that just gets easier with time? Or??

I think so to. It is nice to hear it (or read it). I think you summed him up well YKNOTC.

Thats the difference squigglywig. If your ex is an abusive person then all the challenging in the world wont do a thing. If someone twists every situation to make it your fault then you will never win. You were not a fool at all. You wanted your relationship to work, who doesnt want that?

I really, really did Almummy. I desperately wanted it to work. I wanted to be able to love him enough, love him well enough. I couldn't though, and I suppose every now and then I still feel like that was my fault. That I just didn't try hard enough, that somehow I let him down.

They say however many years you were together that's the number of months it takes to get over it...

Personally I think that's a load of toss, if it starts really getting you down a few months after you've split then perhaps you need to talk to someone (this was not a normal relationship, it was abusive, so it might be an idea to see someone anyway).

Take the time you need, if you're getting worse instead of better, then you'll need an extra something to get you through it.

You need to start believing in yourself. If you can walk away from someone who you love but recognise is bad for you, then you are a hell of a strong woman. You really are. So time to realise it! It will take time, but you will get there

Sometimes I just worry that it might have sunk a little too deep in my head and, possibly, done a bit more damage than I realised?

I really do NOT want it to affect DD (it won't at the moment, she's tiny) - but I know if my self-esteem is shitty etc. then it'll be no good for her.

I don't feel very strong at all. I feel sad and like I've failed tonight. Tomorrow, or later, it will pass and I'll be back to normal I know though.

Which is daft, because tonight you succeeded - you didn't call him, you asked for a little helpful push in the righ direction instead!

Your self-esteem will need some TLC, do you think some counselling would help? It sounds like you need to offload some of the crap he's convinced you of. The fact that you're worrying about your dd, despite the fact that she's too little to know, tells me that you'll never let his shit get through you to her. It's lovely that you're even worrying about that. Self-esteem can be rebuilt. I had an ex who just stripped me piece by piece of all my confidence (nowhere near as bad as you, but still horrible), once I was rid of him that spark that was me gradually came back.

Join me in a glass of wine, and toast to the back of him!

Thank you!

Yeah - some counselling might help. It's these little flashes I want to get rid of. The all-consuming moments where I'm right back in it again. I got to a point where I didn't know which way was up. Working out which bits of what he said were bollocks, and which bits were real would probably help a lot.

Large glass of wine sounds great in the meantime!

Get to your GP asap and get on the waiting list, it can take sometime to get an apt, and you never know you may not need one soon

I can tell you now, everything negative he said about you was bollocks! And every positive thing was true!

Right, raise that glass in a big fat

"To moving on!"

To moving on!

(will go to GP next week...)

Excellent. Well done you!