FaceTime etiquette

[Olivegardenishome]

I’m not sure if I’m over reacting here, but Dh has annoyed me a few times now over the same issue.

When he FaceTimes his family members (in another country) he always shows off our house. This happens probably once or twice a month, so not overly frequent but enough.

I cringe because a) it’s nothing special and b) it’s lived in and usually messy. He nor our children ever pick up after themselves so there’s usually clutter everywhere that I’m too exhausted to always pick up after on a daily basis. I like to have a deep clean and tidy up on a Saturday.

He never fucking FaceTimes them when the house is tidy though does he? He literally only ever does it when the house is looking its worst.

Anyway, the above isn’t actually my issue!

My problem is, there’s been a couple of times where I’ve been relaxing after work or very early Saturday mornings (5am early) in my own bed in my pjs where he’s decided it’d be the perfect opportunity to FaceTime his family or friends and show me in the background.

Yesterday I finally snapped. After report writing, end of term and Christmas activities, juggling our own children’s lives and activities, working, feeling unwell with some flu type thing, I decided to get into bed and relax very early in the evening. The kids were all in their rooms happy, full tummy’s and relaxing. He decided it was the perfect time to FaceTime his parents and their work colleagues for a tour of our house, thus showing me in bed early in the evening with tissues up my nose and on my laptop sorting work stuff out. House a mess, because you know, instead of picking up after himself or helping he decides to FaceTime people instead. So I’m looking like a lazy slob, yet again, to his parents and people I do not even know.

I told him it’s humiliating when he does this. I’ve told him before. He just says “sorry I didn’t think”. He’s a fucking 50 year old man who doesn’t fucking think.

Am I seriously overreacting? Or is he secretly doing this to make me look like a lazy slob to his family and humiliate me? The issue is them not seeing the house untidy because I’m not bothered about that, but me always being on FaceTime when I’m looking my worst just trying to relax. 95% of my life I’m in regular clothes and not in bed, so why does he choose that 5%, it can’t be coincidence?

I was confused about why you were getting such a hard time on here about this OP, then I realised it was just one person. Very strange.
I agree with you, I think it all sounds incredibly annoying and I wouldn’t be happy about it either.

I’m not supposedly fostering 8 children, I am fostering 8 children and have done for the past 3 years.

They are siblings and our home is the most stable they have had in their horrific lives. They are amazing and make every single day of mine worthwhile. I wouldn’t change it for the world and I’ve learned so much from them.

Yes my husband works part time and it’d be delightful if he did more to help but in fairness he is working PT because he collects the children from school and also volunteers, so his time is as taken up as mine. His parents were also so old fashioned and sexist so it’s learned behaviour I suppose. If I ask him to do something specific he will, but I don’t always have the mental strength to ask, it just adds to my mental load over a period of time.

The kids have always been in and out of care and have had awful lives so they’re still learning to pick up after themselves and they’re getting better. Just as I’m sure you can imagine, with 10 of us living here, all busy, there is always clean washing piles in places, cups and plates always in the kitchen. Toys everywhere all the time as the children are always playing with them. My Saturday is more of a house reset rather than deep clean as I do tend to keep the house clean.

I just feel like I’m on some reality tV show where he live broadcasts me, usually when I’m at my most knackered and looking shite. It may be coincidence who knows. I think I just needed to vent.

Yanbu. Nobody wants people seeing them when in bed. Don't worry if the house is in disarray. Your husband needs to respect your wishes.

By the way, I think you must be an awesome person, not everybody would foster and love 8 children. Thank-you for helping the children.

My word, this would make me lose my temper with him. If he is too obtuse to realise what is and what isn't appropriate for face timing himself, he needs to be given strict parameters. No facetiming in the bedroom, no facetiming near the bathroom, no putting you on screen without your say so - in fact check with you before facetiming, and if he thinks that's too controlling then tell him that unless he has asked you specifically, he isn't to put you on screen. If he comes near you while bloody facetiming say Kevin, what did we agree about facetiming? And LOOK annoyed.

Sorry if I have missed this but have you asked him if he purposely chooses to do this when the house is messy or you are not at your best to show you up and humiliate you? If he just says he doesn't think about it, ask why he doesn't do it on Saturday evening (or whenever) when it's tidy.

Just thinking about this clueless bloke who doesn't do any tidying is making me irrationally furious. Grr - ah but then, you're both fostering those 8 children, so that's so lovely (maybe he isn't so bad after all).

Thank you, this is all actually really helpful, appreciate all you’ve said and recommended.

This is so lovely, thank you, I really do appreciate this comment even though I feel we are the lucky ones to have these little humans in our lives.

surely your Op should be

”my husband deliberately tries to make me feel shit in front of his family and friends”

rather than as gentle as “facetime etiquette”

I am confused Op. Because if you really think he is timing these calls specifically to coincide with the house looking messy and you chilling out to give the impression you are lazy…. then surely you have a pretty dark and disturbing marriage going on?

Is this the only thing he does like this and otherwise a happy, healthy and strong marriage?

Because on the basis of your Op, you think your husband is intentionally trying to piss you off and make you look lazy, which is…. dark to say the least

Total invasion of privacy. If he wants to Face time family, tell him to tidy up first and sit in one place for the call.

If you have already suggested the above and he ignores you, try taking your phone and do same to him when perhaps he's sat on the toilet or in the shower, mentioning to caller "look at the state of the house, DH would rather face time than sort it" - he will soon get the hint.

Maybe he feels defensive about working part-time while you work full-time, and so does this to make himself look better?

TBH, I wouldn't have let it get this far.

The first time he FaceTimed anyone and gave them a tour of our messy house/me in bed I'd have told him in no uncertain terms never to do that again otherwise I'd shove his phone where the sun doesn't shine, and he would've listened.

There is no reason at all why your DH cannot A. Do an ordinary phone call, or B. Sit in one tidy corner while he FaceTimes.

is he even allowed to facetime his foster children to family / friends / colleagues?