Is this emotional abuse?

[Poptondan]

Hello, I've been married for 14 years and together a total of 20. I have 3 young children (all primary school age).

I think I am being emotionally abused by my husband but at times the signs are more subtle. I could really use a 3rd person's perspective.

Overall relationship is relatively happy but I have a constant feeling of 'treading on eggshells' he'll lose his temper and start shouting usually 1-3 times a day always aimed at me (obviously less if we are both at work and don't see each other)

He's a very negative critical man. It can be a great dad too however it's usually through things like buying presents and sweets. I do 95% of the actual parenting and practical stuff.

I'll try to write the top 3 things here to avoid this becoming a huge post:

7 years ago we moved house which needed full decoration and renovation. He was very unwell one day in bed. I stayed with him all day & ensured the doctor etc was called. Early the next morning I let him sleep and snuck off early to paint 2 rooms of our new house. Took me 5 or more hours as I was tired. Rather than thanking me he spent the next 2-3 months criticising the colour I'd used. No word of thanks.

Constant criticism of my one day off work a week - expects me to do all chores and DIY projects and any garden projects. We have a 3 year old in school nursery so the mornings of my day off are spent with him.

If I do go out and do anything he accused me of 'trapping' him in the house 'ive been stuck in all day because of you' if for example I meet a friend to go for a jog.

I'm on my own looking after all 3 children 2 full days a week as he works from home 3/4 days a week and has a 2nd job he does Saturdays (he's gone from 7am to 7pm) and most Fridays.

Overall generally very critical of me, my hobbies, friends and lifestyle choices.

I'm hoping for any advice please.

Thanks for reading xx
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Yes he's abusive. Are you in a position to leave because it's really not going to get better. He sounds like a twat imho.

It does very much sound like emotional abuse. Whatever you do is never good enough. He is probably like this with other people too which is a small consolation as other people can move jobs etc. Shouting is absolutely unacceptable. I suspect your husband will blow the top if you suggest marriage counselling. I also suspect you are not a kind of person to rock the boat. I suggest you get yourself some counselling about setting up boundaries. You will need some support if you are hoping to change your husband's behaviour. You might have to go private for counselling, NHS is overwhelmed. Try approaching some local domestic abuse charities, they try making counselling as inexpensive as possible. You don't need to tell your husband the real reason. You might want to say you feel burned out in general. You should be able to devise a way forward with a therapist

Sounds emotionally abusive to me. The moaning about you going out/your hobbies is particularly toxic as it's about controlling you, making it such a hassle to have time of your own that it may feel like it's not worth it, therefore trying to shrink your world and isolate you from friends/family.

And even if it isn't abusive somehow, it sounds bloody miserable being with him.

Yes it's abusive alright. You should not be criticised constantly, nor be moaned at for leaving the house/lifestyle/hobbies/friends, nor be shouted at up to 3 times a day by a negative, bad tempered selfish bully of a man. Not to appreciate your work and efforts is also soul destroying for you. Who does he think he is. It's not an equal relationship in any sense.

Next in line will be your children I bet. These types don't change because the fault of everything is yours...never theirs. Something needs to seriously change before more damage is done to you and the children.

I've known someone like this which is why I recognise the behaviour. Google narcissism. It will eat away at you and your self esteem and self worth.

That's no way to live, OP. Being shouted at three times a day should be nobody's "normal".
Agree with the other posters that he is trying to confine you to the house (it seems to be a common theme that abusers blame their victim of the very thing that the abuser himself is doing).
I mean, you could present him with a weekly breakdown of his much time you spend stuck at home or doing shopping etc compared to him, but he won't accept it, he'll deflect, avoid and accuse you of something else.
Awful for your dc to grow up in that atmosphere too, learning relationships from this toxic example.