I'm stuck in this relationship aren't I?

[Notreallycopingrightnow]

I need perspective from outsiders as I feel like I'm going mad. I've been married to DH for 20 years. We have 1 DC aged 10. The marriage is dead – we have nothing in common and probably shouldn't have got married in the first place (it was a case of 'well, everyone else is doing it...'). DH is increasingly difficult to be around. He's autistic (diagnosed after we were married) and in my opinion uses this as an excuse to be unreasonable and frankly quite mean (lots of 'jokes' about my weight/looks/intelligence, often in front of DC, goes off on his own for days at a time, doesn't really do any parenting...). We barely spend any time together, mainly because in his spare time DH is off doing his own thing and has very little interest in me. When we are together I find his behaviour really odd and stressful and, to be perfectly honest, I just don't like him.

Now if it was just me I'd have left long ago, but there are 2 things holding me back. Firstly, DC absolutely adores DH, IMO mainly because DH doesn't act like a parent, more like a big brother, so lets them do what they like (usually vast amounts of screen time). If we split up DH has said that he would move 70 miles away to be closer to work, which I'm pretty sure would devastate DC. Secondly, financially I'd really struggle on my own. I took a massive step back from work when DC was a baby to work less hours in a less stressful role. This means that I only earn a fraction of the household income and nowhere near enough to support me & DC. I'm not at all workshy and have always worked hard, but taking on a better paid job in my industry would mean very long hours and hardly seeing DC during the week (the very reason I changed jobs in the first place), which I feel would negatively impact DC, especially as it's likely DH would move away, and I hate the idea of DC coming home to an empty house every evening/not having a parent turn up to school/sports events etc.

Essentially I can't see any option other than staying in the relationship/family home at least until DC is older. Am I missing something? Is there another option?

I have had some similar worries recently. Me and my husband are separating after 15 years and a 10year old DC.
He is the better parent, and I have ADHD/MH issues.
Anyway, I have used entitledto.com to figure out finances. I earn a good income but I do work 9-5.
If you work less you may be entitled to some financial support via Universal credit or something.
Also your husband would need to financially support you and the child with some form of maintenance.

I'm not advising to stay or to leave, but really research your options and it might give peace of mind.

There's no easy answers here, you have outlined very good reasons not to leave but it's understandable that you don't even like this person. Is it possible to fix things with him? Being autistic definitely doesn't give him any rights or excuses to be disrespectful to you. You should make this clear to him. Yes he may struggle with social understand but he'll be quite capable of understanding what is offensive and what isn't if it's explained logically and clearly. Set it out in social story language as would be done with an autistic child. If he's playing on it then he really is being out of order. You might need more time away from him when things are stressful, explain this to him and try to enjoy your own life too.. even holidays. It sounds like you deserve one on your own or with friends. He needs to accept that you need it. But I understand your thoughts and being reluctant to make that decision to leave.

Get a full-time job like all othed working mums. Talk to a solicitor. Get a life , leave this looser
He insults you ? Wtf
Go realise your dreams,

Your son will thank-you.

All they do is screen time? He is no super dad that's clear.

You cannot stay bound in misery,

Go !

No one is ever "stuck" in a relationship

Lots of single mums manage - yes you have to make sacrifices like before/after school clubs and working more. But that's life if you want to have independence and self respect and teach your child about what's important in life. A healthy relationship and happy mum being part of that

You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. If he decides to move 70 miles away from his DC then that's squarely at his door along with the detriment it will have on their relationship. Don't let him hold this over you as a threat.

Your DC will cotton on to what's going on, they're not daft. It's likely that they don't idolise him as much as you think, nobody enjoys seeing their mother being derided. They're just siding with the person with more power to keep themself safe.

If he moves 70 miles away that is on him.
Dc will know he chooses to do that !
Of course you are not teapoed. Split and find a way.

Have you actually looked into finances on a practical level, or assuming you won't manage? Once the house is sold, you are entitled to half the equity, same with any savings the family has. Then there is CM from him. If he means to move nearer work to work, he won't object to getting the house sold. Then you can get a smaller house or flat as only 2 of you - reduces the cost of living. Do the maths before getting defeatist. CM is not counted in benefits.

No, you aren't stuck.

This man treats you horribly, certainly not with love. That is bad for your children to witness, and will affect them.

If he chooses to move 70miles away, that's on him. They'll see him for who he is sooner or later.

Get back to FT work, and see a solicitor (don't let DH know you're doing this, get your ducks lined up before you tell him) and see where you'll stand financially. You may be pleasantly surprised.

uses this as an excuse to be unreasonable and frankly quite mean (lots of 'jokes' about my weight/looks/intelligence, often in front of DC

This alone is why you must leave this man. The damage this is doing to your child will be irreparable if you don't get them away from this. You allowing your child to witness this abuse is unacceptable.

Your 10 year old will go off to secondary and won't expect you to be around all the time.. it really does change.

Does your DH commute now? Why would he move? Even if he did I assume he would see ds regularly if dh chose to move then your ds might be upset but it's likely you and your ds would be closer.

Certainly has happened with my dc, their dad moved away and whilst they regret it they recognise he is selfish and won't change.

Start building your financial independence as in a few short years your ds won't need/want you around as much, especially after school.

Sometimes, telling our child no is the nicest thing we do for them. There's no value to your child in sitting around playing video games. If that's what you've based the ds will be devastated if we split bit on- then good, he'll thank you in the long run.

Start by building your career. As pp said, your child will get older and life will be more flexible.
You don’t have to leave now, but at least start building for your future. After all, how much worse will this be when your son moves out and you still can’t afford to move out? That will be worse

Don't just up and end things immediately. Establish your own identity, career and finances, then in a few years when the children are older, break free. Plan ahead, do not just look at the now and let it dictate the rest of your life.

I don’t know how you can live like that. You have to get out & make yourself happy! You can make it work & you’ll feel so much better even if you have to work more hours & have less money.

@Notreallycopingrightnow im in a similar place than you (autistic husband, etc etc) but much further down the line.

Don’t stay.
The situation will slowly destroy you. You’ll slowly loose who you are. And constant stress has a very negative impact on health.

My advice would be the build your career up again.
Rebuild your life as if you weren’t married still. Do your own things. Find yourself again. Establish a structure in your days that will allow you to have some sort if balance.

PP are right. Your ds will start secondary school soon and will get more and more independent. He won’t ‘need’ you in the same way or nearly as much (no more sports days etc to start with!).
But you’ll teach him that speaking to anyone the way your dh does is not ok. Regardless of the diagnosis.

As for moving 70 miles away? His issue. It will be him that will hurt yur ds. And jus5 as much as I get you want to protect your ds, you can’t constantly protect your DH. It’s not fair on you.

Don't sacrifice your wellbeing to make up for DH's deficiencies. Anyone who is more of a 'big brother' than a dad is a shit parent, besides the abuse he metes out to you.

Do some work on the sums if you split - equity in the house, pensions, benefits, child maintenance. It might not be as bad as you think especially if a new job/full time work is a possibility, moving to a smaller house etc.

Once you've got the sums, go and see a solicitor.

One step at a time. Good luck.