Final push - or not!!!?

[Fourhorses]

I cannot seem to get past the guilt of being responsible for breaking up our little family. We have been living in limbo and flatness for the bulk of our marriage. Good people but extremely incompatible and certainly do not bring out any lightness in eachother.

We split for a year but then he returned on account. Of a health diagnosis and I suddenly felt utterly gripped by guilt that he shouldn't be away from the kids at all, life shorter etc.

We have now committed to buying a second home nearby. But I cannot make peace with it or be at all excited as I feel I am so wrong to want or feel this way.

No chat, banter, adult relationship, chat of future, fears or dreams, nothing. Just the humdrum. Yes we have two young kids that we utterly adore and are always front and centre. This is going to crush them, or is it really or is that the stigma. We will live only a few miles apart but we are essentially then no longer operating as a single household family and I know how that effects kids, something feels hollow in the world.

But whats the alternative at this stage. We made such a mistake. It's such a flat unhappy home, only joy with the kids, but we are both tired and worn out by loneliness and our own isolation in the marriage.

the grass isn't greener etc - I am really feeling that. Staying and leaving both seem grim but we cannot live like this.

Am I crazy to think leaving is better so that there is at least hope for us, or am I utterly naive?

I guess I feel like a fool for thinking leaving and both of us starting afresh could be better.

Everyone knows we are struggling and in buying a house I feel like the horse has bolted and in any case after trying everything the desire and capacity for us to restore things is just not there.

We are both early 40s, married for 8 years and having problems for 6. This is the f'in hardest thing I have ever been through.

Move on. You’re far too young to settle, the kids will adapt.

You said yourself....life is too short.
Except you used it as a reason to stay together, most would see it as a reason to leave a n unhappy relationship

My relationship ended a year ago. My daughter was four and she didn't bother much passing the first two months.
It was me who told her that sometimes kids don't live with both parents neither adults like I don't live with mine. She took it well and understood it.
She is still a happy child and like the best of all the houses. When she visits parents and when visiting dad for a sleepover.
Kids are very resilient and if there is not nastiness or bitterness around they are happy.

In the other hand took me several months of ups and downs to start feeling happy again.

Sometimes we think they will have our fears and thoughts but things are more simple in the mind of a kid.

Thank you all. I think is basically massive fear. Of the following!!

• Fear of not being there when my kids need me or want me, they're young. fear they will miss me and think I don't care cause I'm not there.

• Fear of being alone and not being able to cope with it (in the past this was fine but since married I seem to have changed). Even though I am alone in my marriage, there is another heartbeat knocking around.

• Fear of being ostracised for doing this to my husband and kids and basically for being an oddball who couldn't make this week.

• Fear I suppose I and above my station! Who would want me after this.

• Fear of being abandoned by my support network as a result of the process and the awkwardness people feel about divorce and perhaps faces an almost worse loneliness that I can imagine.

• Fear I am actually not strong enough and not all that.

• Fear I am going to be swallowed up by fear and guilt and I will just want to hide under a rock.

• Mainly fear that the kids will feel less loved.

I know this is a banal boring post but I really need reassurance. My stbxh is not a bad man and so consumed with guilt. I guess I am looking for a happier life but it just seems doomed either way. Sorry for being such a drip, it's not usually me but I seem to have lost my bottle in the last few months and during the years of being married.

Thank you for this. Why did you leave, I'm afraid my reasons are now not justified.

You don’t need to justify why you are not happy. You know you are unhappy and your concerns about the future may happen or they may not but please choose your hard

Is it hard staying or is it hard being without your kids a few nights per week?

Is it hard being miserable everyday with your husband or will it be hard being miserable on your own?

What is hardest, you decide

Some of the most functional people I know were raised by divorced parents who parented reasonably and amicably. Some of the most screwed up people I know grew up with parents who were deeply unhappy together but “stayed together for the children”.

You seem very caught up in what other people will think. To be honest, most people will not give it much thought. About 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Assuming your STBXH is a good father, then there’s no reason why your children should massively miss you when they’re with him and vice versa. And an unhappy marriage will create an unhappy and stressful atmosphere in the home.

You don’t say how long you’ve been together overall (you were presumably together for a while before you got married) but if things have been rocky for the last 6 out of 8 years, that’s not very promising and it seems unlikely that your marriage would offer a particularly good relationship model for your children.

I think you have suffered enough! You have had a hard time for six years. Think how you would feel if you separated for good. The relief would be tremendous.

Get the kids an iPad so they can FaceTime you whenever they want.
If you are leaving your DH it shows you are strong, a person that won’t take less than she deserves. Not that you failed.
I’ll tell you what I found really empowering, I secretly had a free first chat with a family solicitor, and she told me what I could expect to get. It made me feel like I could do it.
Remember that your kids are seeing your relationship as normal, is that what you want?

When they're not with you, they will have their (perfectly adequate) dad to take care of them and they will know that they will see you soon.

As you said yourself, you used to be OK with your own company before marriage. You're just not used to it anymore. You will adapt back.

Splitting up isn't a social stigma, it happens, most people aren't that invested in other peoples relationships.

Plenty of men I'm sure. Most people go on to have new relationships after splits, what makes you outlandishly awful? But be picky and be slow and be happy on your own with the kids so you don't pick wrong uns.

You might lose some "friends" during the process, but other friendships may get stronger. At difficult times, you find out who is worth hanging on to. If they're your support network, unlikely they're going anywhere.

Strong enough for what? It's just a matter of getting through each day when you have tough times, and getting into your own rhythm.

Well, you might, but under rocks it's pretty cold and damp and wormy, and I reckon the conditions will soon drive you out again. 😉

You and their father will reassure them and shower them with love.

@Fourhorses I didn't leave. I struggled with fears like you for 3 years until he had an affair. The relationship went down the hill since I started to work after maternity leave and during the pandemic he showed me his true colours because he didn't lift a finger to help. I realized there that it was me the one that was doing all. And the relationship was just one sided.

After the pandemic with him being that selfish I spent nearly all evenings after my daughter was in bed thinking will I will be able to spend my life like this until she is 18? I pushes myself to the limit to stay because I didn't want to break although I new the relationship was dead and me trying was killing my self confidence.
If I knew the things were going to be like the were I wouldn't cope with his actions and actitude that long, but I did have so many fears like you.

Thankfully he got infatuated with someone else and left. He said the words and I automatically agreed.

One year on I regret not been braver and left before.

My child is the same as she was, basically a very happy kid. I was able to bought him out the house which is very convenient because her school, doctor dentist and my work are all within a 3 miles radius, and that heavy cloud I had is gone. All the negativity in my mind is gone, I feel lighter, much lighter.

Sometimes there is no need of something major for a relationship to end. If you are unhappy and things have been bad for some time you need to put you and your kids first. Families come in all shapes and forms and if they are happy don't need to be all in the same house.

Basically they will be happy if the people around they are happy.

Leaving a relationship is thought and takes time to process but when the people is not happy in it is always a good decision.

You may find yourself thinking your reasons are not big enough, well it doesn't have to be something really bad like an affair or proper abuse. If you feel miserable and you had tried to make it work don't push yourself to the edge. I did it and it was a really bad idea. Because I'm now living the future I was dreaming before. A nice simple life without walking on eggshell and a lazy man doing nothing.

Sometimes giving up a relationship is the best we can do.

I totally get your thoughts and fears, hopefully my experience can give you a point of view of someone who struggled the most, was destroyed by the life lived, grief the relationship she wanted but never had after the break and finally saw the reality of being exactly when she wanted the stay. A simple drama and bad mood free life.