Breadcrumbed for a year, feeling devastated

CelebrateTheSeason · 2023-12-12T13:34:00+00:00

I wanna preface this by saying that when this all started I hadn't heard of the phrases breadcrumbing or slow fade! I am also autistic and struggle with communication AND my previous relationship was, in hindsight, abusive and I was a victim of coercive control. I met someone online about a year ago, he lives a few towns over. We were messaging over Xmas holidays as we both have kids, then met up in the spring, summer, autumn. After our first meeting he was messaging lots; but as time's gone on, he is messaging me less and less. Now it's just messaging him mostly. It gets to the point where I think I'll just give up and then he'll message. He'll say something quite romantic and I'll reply in kind, then he doesn't say anything at all. If I message him again, he will reply. But it's like some kind of control / power thing, when he doesn't reply I end up feeling like an absolute fool. He doesn't seem to like phonecalls. When I see him in person he is attentive and lovely but in between this it's just fucking with my head so much. I don't know whether to just throw in the towel or not. I don't think it will change. I feel like I owe it to myself to be treated with more respect but I really like him! He's definitely not married or anything; I don't think he is seeing anyone else either. I have tried finding other people to date but I don't find anyone except him attractive. I have a few messages back and forth but I'm just not feeling it so it seems unfair to pursue it. I just feel horrible and like a massive idiot. Should I just block and delete? If I do this I will really miss him. But then I think, is it really him I will miss, or just the idea of him, which doesn't actually exist? I just feel completely foolish, it was a huge step for me to start dating again and it seems like I have picked the wrong person.

OwOwHolyCow · 12/12/2023 13:41

but I really like him!

Why, when he messes with your head and leaves you feeling miserable?
Block, delete and move on.
Better to be happily single than someone who’s miserable and messed with.

Original poster

CelebrateTheSeason · 12/12/2023 13:47

You're right of course 😔 I just keep thinking that we will turn a corner or something. And next time we meet we can have "the talk" and agree to be exclusive or whatever. I hate being single, I am very lonely (literally all my friends are married) so when things are good then I feel elated. I THINK it is limerence or something.

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Hbosh · 12/12/2023 13:56

You know, people can only breadcrumb you if you let them.

You seem to be fixated on him:
I like him so much.
I don't feel attracted to anyone but him.
When I see him, he's so lovely.

Honestly, this sounds like something a 16-year old would say.
Could you just take a moment and look at this man for who he is, and not the ideal image you have built of him in your head?
Is this really the man you want to waste any more of your time and energy on?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2023 13:59

Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do not date further until you have done this.

Your boundaries also need to be a lot higher. Men like this and your ex can and do wreck boundaries leaving you further vulnerable into being abused. These men targeted you as a vulnerable adult in order to abuse you.

GiantPuffaJacket · 12/12/2023 14:06

Wow I could have written this myself almost word for word! (And have also ended up here seeking advice!)

unfortunately I work for the same company as the person so I can’t block and go NC.
we all work from home though so it’s all online that I see him.

but he is doing the same. Giving me just enough to keep me hooked and wanting more… but not enough where I just feel shit about myself.

mine too definitely is single, I just think he’s a person very happy with his own company/ some days he has his kids/ some days he is with his friends and group hobbies.

where as I am lonely and I like attention and company and communication.
i like him but I don’t think it’s worth the pain of waiting for replies or the gaps between seeing him.

what do you think you will do OP? What can we do! Eek. You’re not alone anyway.

PoppyCup · 12/12/2023 14:12

Can I make a suggestion?
If you don't want to, don't change what is happening between you. Just add a hell of a lot more to your life on top of it, so that your life is very full in lots of different ways. Take up a new form of exercising, volunteering, a new hobby or skill-development. And do some online dating - it can be innocent meet ups for coffee. If he's not around much, and you are not exclusive, there's no need to be faithful in a casual relationship. If you still like him, still see him. But don't hang around or be endlessly available. Be busy. Have a good, full life, and open it up to meeting other men who might suit you better emotionally.

Original poster

CelebrateTheSeason · 12/12/2023 14:18

Hbosh · 12/12/2023 13:56

You know, people can only breadcrumb you if you let them.

You seem to be fixated on him:
I like him so much.
I don't feel attracted to anyone but him.
When I see him, he's so lovely.

Honestly, this sounds like something a 16-year old would say.
Could you just take a moment and look at this man for who he is, and not the ideal image you have built of him in your head?
Is this really the man you want to waste any more of your time and energy on?

I am fixated on him, that's the problem!

I feel like an idiot because I know it's like something a teenager would say 😳 I had some extremely abusive relationships in my teenage years and 20's, then I was with my exH who was also abusive. I am seeing a therapist privately to work through that trauma as I have kept it surpressed for 20 years or more. Her opinion is that I am seeking familiarity with this guy; essentially, I am used to being treated like crap 😕

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PickleSmith · 12/12/2023 14:23

Try not to think in terms of slow fade, bread crumbing or limerence (which is just another word for stalking most of the time!)

They're just trendy phrases. Instead concentrate on what he's adding to your life and how he's treating you. It seems like he's messing you about and isn't bothered about you - this isn't what you want or deserve so just bin him off

Original poster

CelebrateTheSeason · 12/12/2023 14:26

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2023 13:59

Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do not date further until you have done this.

Your boundaries also need to be a lot higher. Men like this and your ex can and do wreck boundaries leaving you further vulnerable into being abused. These men targeted you as a vulnerable adult in order to abuse you.

Yes men like my exH (and my exes prior) do wreak havoc and ruin lives, my entire adult life has been ruined by what has happened.

However I hadn't really thought of this guy in the same vein as my ex as he isn't abusive, he is just a dick. Though he has made me feel weird for being autistic (I told him up front that I was, and anyway it is fairly obvious if you met me). I had thought I had been single and able to reflect on my relationship history enough to get back into the dating game but maybe it is too soon. Thank you, I think you're right in saying my boundaries need to be higher xx

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Original poster

CelebrateTheSeason · 12/12/2023 14:28

It is a sort of sunk cost thing I think as well. I have spend so much time and emotional energy on him, and I want it to work out so badly...

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Original poster

CelebrateTheSeason · 12/12/2023 14:37

GiantPuffaJacket · 12/12/2023 14:06

Wow I could have written this myself almost word for word! (And have also ended up here seeking advice!)

unfortunately I work for the same company as the person so I can’t block and go NC.
we all work from home though so it’s all online that I see him.

but he is doing the same. Giving me just enough to keep me hooked and wanting more… but not enough where I just feel shit about myself.

mine too definitely is single, I just think he’s a person very happy with his own company/ some days he has his kids/ some days he is with his friends and group hobbies.

where as I am lonely and I like attention and company and communication.
i like him but I don’t think it’s worth the pain of waiting for replies or the gaps between seeing him.

what do you think you will do OP? What can we do! Eek. You’re not alone anyway.

Thanks for your message xx that must be really hard working together!!

I think, for my own sanity that I need to block him. I am just really sad as I haven't really experienced any attraction to anyone in a really long time and I don't know whether I will again?!

I know that this man is quite depressed and has been hurt badly in the past (his ex had an affair and left) so he seems to be surprised that I am so keen to be with him. It's like he will message and then get cold feet. Rinse and repeat. Or maybe it isn't cold feet and he just finds it funny / amusing / interesting to see what I will do if he doesn't reply. OR he just isn't that bothered and the relationship we have (not A relationship, just the thing we have) does not mean as much to him as it does to me and essentially he can take it or leave it. All of which make me feel kind of sick!

He and I don't have any mutuals so if I do cease contact then that will be it and the thought of this makes me feel really sad ☹

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Fourhorses · 12/12/2023 17:30

Sorry but he is totally seeing someone else too.

HidingFromDD · 12/12/2023 17:40

Entirely possible that his idea of ‘a perfect relationship’ is very different to yours. So he wants someone who he can call on when it suits him but keeps a level of emotional distance.

also entirely possible he’s a narcissistic arsehole who just likes to keep you off kilter and insecure
either way it’s not a good match. He may be great when you get together but if he only wants v limited contact and you want more then you need to accept that he’s not your ideal man and walk away.
and don’t consider this a failure. The aim of dating is to find someone you want to be with who has complementary vision of the relationship. This experience has shown you that your relationship expectations are different. It’s good that you found that out.

now you need to walk away. Get over missing the person you thought he was (note this is not the person he is) and at some point in the future you’ll be ready to try again

shivermetimbers77 · 12/12/2023 17:44

Have you talked to him about it? Ie been really direct and said ‘I like you but the amount of communication between dates is not consistent enough for me. I would like you to text me more regularly (ie daily? Every other day?) .” Then if he doesn’t do it, dump him.

Fernsfernsferns · 12/12/2023 18:09

I heard something recently that is great relationship advice:

raise you boundaries

and lower your expectations

@CelebrateTheSeason this man is not meeting your needs.

it doesn’t matter why, whether he’s scared or emotionally unavailable or just a dick.

he isn’t and that’s all you need to know.

i understand the feeling that there’s some special connection there. But that is a combination of half truth (you had a good time when you saw him) and half as your therapist says the comfort of recreating an old pattern even though it’s a bad one.

end it.

its ok to be sad and disappointed

and then focus on busking your own sense of worth and value rather than hoping someone else will give that to you

Curlywurlycaz2 · 12/12/2023 18:28

Agree with all that's been said already.

Regardless of potential, he is not giving you what you want and need out of a relationship.

Meanwhile all of the time that you're wasting on him and analysing his behaviour is time you're not spending on yourself or actively looking for someone better who does meet your needs.

End it. Send him a message saying you want more out of a relationship. Then block.

Indifferentchickenwings · 12/12/2023 19:14

Sooo many women end up ina relationship like this after splitting with a LT abusive ex
i managed to have two years with a bread crumber
two fucking years 🙉

He’s not making you happy
it’s as simple as that

and yea you’ll be sad for a while
maybe quite a while
but you will get your sanity back

Original poster

CelebrateTheSeason · 12/12/2023 19:40

Thank you for all your kind messages i really appreciate them all x

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lto2019 · 12/12/2023 20:47

PoppyCup · 12/12/2023 14:12

Can I make a suggestion?
If you don't want to, don't change what is happening between you. Just add a hell of a lot more to your life on top of it, so that your life is very full in lots of different ways. Take up a new form of exercising, volunteering, a new hobby or skill-development. And do some online dating - it can be innocent meet ups for coffee. If he's not around much, and you are not exclusive, there's no need to be faithful in a casual relationship. If you still like him, still see him. But don't hang around or be endlessly available. Be busy. Have a good, full life, and open it up to meeting other men who might suit you better emotionally.

I think this is great advice. One of the reasons people become 'obsessed' and notice that there are no messages is because they don't have enough going on in their lives. Force yourself to get busy - even if it is not dating. Personally, I would not block yet - it is often done to provoke a response rather than to draw a line under things. ie if I block him he will wonder why and contact me.

Superdupersomeone · 12/12/2023 21:08

Urgh op I had a very similar situation after my marriage broke down. Except it only lasted about 4 months. It was so difficult getting over him, I fell for him hard and he was the only man I've felt anything for since I have been dating.

Really hear you about the romantic/lovely messages, which I would reply to then... tumbleweed. Just doing enough to keep you hooked. I also kept hanging on in the hope he would change and miraculously turn into the man I wanted him to be ... 🤡

You may have some serious feelings for him but he isn't meeting your needs or making you happy. He's making you stressed and anxious by the sound of it. I thought I had major chemistry with mine but I'm realising now it was probably my anxiety that he was constantly triggering with his hot and cold behaviour.

Focus on how he makes you feel, just as much (and if not more) as how you feel about him.

Original poster

CelebrateTheSeason · 12/12/2023 21:27

lto2019 · 12/12/2023 20:47

I think this is great advice. One of the reasons people become 'obsessed' and notice that there are no messages is because they don't have enough going on in their lives. Force yourself to get busy - even if it is not dating. Personally, I would not block yet - it is often done to provoke a response rather than to draw a line under things. ie if I block him he will wonder why and contact me.

Show quote history

I like this advice; I have tried to keep busy with new hobbies and such but I have DC with me quite a lot. And it's really hard to make new friends in your 40s especially if you are awkward like I am.

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Original poster

CelebrateTheSeason · 12/12/2023 23:51

Superdupersomeone · 12/12/2023 21:08

Urgh op I had a very similar situation after my marriage broke down. Except it only lasted about 4 months. It was so difficult getting over him, I fell for him hard and he was the only man I've felt anything for since I have been dating.

Really hear you about the romantic/lovely messages, which I would reply to then... tumbleweed. Just doing enough to keep you hooked. I also kept hanging on in the hope he would change and miraculously turn into the man I wanted him to be ... 🤡

You may have some serious feelings for him but he isn't meeting your needs or making you happy. He's making you stressed and anxious by the sound of it. I thought I had major chemistry with mine but I'm realising now it was probably my anxiety that he was constantly triggering with his hot and cold behaviour.

Focus on how he makes you feel, just as much (and if not more) as how you feel about him.

Wow I wonder if we were seeing the same guy?!
That's a really interesting point about the anxiety, i do suffer from anxiety and i do find myself stimming more when i am around this guy. Maybe it's not attraction more the uncertainty.

Great point about how he makes me feel > how i feel about him. Hadn't thought of it in this way. Thank you x

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