Not sure what to do

[Flowerpetal84]

I have read a few threads on here posting with a similar theme to mine so already am aware of the responses I might get.

I have been married 10 years with a daughter who's 4. Unfortunately I have never established what I would call a solid and healthy sexual relationship with my husband...and now it's got to the point I'm aware I have a big issue that I've been brushing aside and definitely don't know what to do about it. I have rejected my husband's sexual advances which has resulted in us not having sexual contact for nearly a year, the last time it ended badly with myself feeling uncomfortable with having sex and he basically said I should leave. We brushed it aside and subsequently haven't really dealt with it both just trying to manage work and our daughter starting school. I know I have a problem, I want to feel a connection and want to enjoy the prospect of being intimate but I don't enjoy the thought, it makes my skin crawl so now it's something I avoid and has grown into a big issue. My husband feels rejected, hurt and lacking any form of affection. In a way I too feel frustrated with the way I feel, I also feel lonely and jealous of other couples who are amourous but I can't see how things can change. I don't believe in divorce but on the other can't continue like this. We are both quite introverted and keep our feelings to ourselves which doesn't help as our communication is just quite basic which is another bugbear as I want more connection but not sure how to get it. Anyone been on this situation and come out the other side? Any advice? At the end of the day, I know the grass isn't always greener so simply walking a way isn't really the answer I'm looking for although I'm sure many of you do.

The short answer is therapy. For yourself and as a couple.

Do you enjoy sex away from your partner? Do you have sexual thoughts about other people or do you not feel anything sexually? I think that is the first thing to get to the bottom of. But it sounds like the lack of an emotional connection makes it difficult to feel vulnerable sexually.

This is something you both need to work on together. You may not believe in divorce (hate to tell you that it does in fact exist) but there is only so much you can do to fix a relationship on your own. It takes two to make it work.

Exactly what @Curlywurlycaz2 said.
Therapy, for your marriage but also for you individually. I don't see you working through these issues without outside help.

Great questions, too.
Do you enjoy (the thought of) sex with anyone else? Is this a problem in your marriage that's leading you to reject intimacy completely with your husband, or could it be that you're asexual?

You say you don't believe in divorce. I'm sorry, but divorce isn't like the tooth fairy. Whether you want it or not, it's very real and you're not the only one who can instigate it. I imagine your husband had a different idea in mind about marriage when he married you.
Don't wait too long to do something about this issue, if you haven't waited too long already. Patience does eventually run out.

Hi, thanks for your comment. No I don't engage in any form of sex by myself, I have on the very odd occasion and am aware I can be slightly aroused at certain times of the month. I have noticed my thoughts looking at other men on occasions turning to the 'they have a nice body' kind of thoughts. I guess if I'm totally honest I'm not overly aroused my husband, it's felt awkward being intimate. As I feel awkward, I can't help myself show it during our times when we have been intimate and then it all goes downhill. He just tries but then feels like I'm ruining it but not trying. I agree I can't seem to be vulnerable sexually with him, with is really awful considering in my 20s I had many flings, its almost the polar opposite now.

Thanks for your comment, no I'm not asexual..I am attracted to men, I don't feel much desire towards my husband, how can I magic this up. I am on antidepressants but have come off them in the past and it hasn't made a difference to my sexual desire. Also to add into the mix other things, like resentment, differing opinions etc all adds up to negative feelings and I know my husband is also feeling similar as I've noticed his reactions towards me differ to how they used to be.

Just to clarify my husband doesn't want to divorce but I agree with your point that things can ultimately reach that point which I am concerned about.