Friend seemingly lacks empathy

[filingmonotype]

I met my friend at a workshop abroad a few years ago, before Covid. The workshop was about a month long, and we were part of a cohort of a few other people. She and I got along really well and, after we realised that we live in the same area, we agreed to stay in touch when we got back to the UK.

We met up for coffee a few times, and then Covid happened. During lockdown, we met up a few more times when it was safe to do so. During these times, we'd talk about our jobs and families. She has a long term partner who she lives with, and I'm married. Neither of us have children.

During our time meeting up, she would often get hung up about her family - she would talk for long periods of time about the stress and frustration that they cause her. I would listen, ask questions, and just generally try to be supportive. She would occasionally ask me about my partner, but not much more than that - in other words, she wouldn't engage much with my life other than talking about work, where there is a lot of common ground between us.

Here's where it gets a bit strange for me. At one point during lockdown, I fell out with a family member. I felt very upset over it, and very lonely given that I couldn't see my family at all during this period. My friend and I made plans to meet up, and she could tell from my messages I was a bit out of sorts, so before we met, she asked what was wrong. I mentioned that something had happened with a family member, and she offered to talk about it with me when we met up. On the day, however, she didn't talk about it at all - in fact, from what I recall, she spoke about her work and family, as usual, and when I finally brought up how I'd been feeling since my fallout with my family member, her reaction really surprised me. She responded with something along the lines of, "Yes, well, things have tough on everybody, haven't they?" She then changed the subject to work. I was really taken aback, as I had hoped to find a sympathetic listener, especially after all the time I'd spent listening to her problems with her own family. This got me thinking that this person seems to have a problem feeling empathy towards others. But I don't know whether that's accurate, or just me projecting my own hurt feelings onto her.

Since then, it's been very difficult for me to really engage with this person. We still make plans to see each other, but the frequency has dropped from a few times a year to perhaps once a year. More recently, I reached out and asked how she was doing and she told me that things were well, aside from some personal issues that were upsetting her a lot. I didn't want to engage with the issue, so I responded a few days later and told her that I'm sorry to hear that and that I hope things get better for her. I didn't receive a reply or a similar question asking how I was doing.

At this point, I'm ready to write off this friendship. It's difficult as I have found that making friends is much harder as you get older. But I am really struggling to see any benefit to this friendship, since empathy and engagement in the other person's life is very important to me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? What is your advice?

More recently, I reached out and asked how she was doing and she told me that things were well, aside from some personal issues that were upsetting her a lot. I didn't want to engage with the issue, so I responded a few days later and told her that I'm sorry to hear that and that I hope things get better for her.

You didn’t want to engage because she hadn’t been there for you? Or another reason?

If you’re not going to be there for her either, then yes the friendship won’t go very deep. That might have been your chance to turn the friendship from a work one into a deeper one?

People sharing emotional stuff is what bonds them together, but it has to be equal.

I have a friend like this. Everything is about her, her, her. She could say 'Oh god! My car failed its MOT'. I'd say 'My whole family got murdered, my house burned down, and I've got to have both legs off'. She'd say 'Oh, really? As I was saying, it's the exhaust'. Plus she's incredibly fussy, like in the Princess and the Pea. I ration the number of times I see her because it drives me wild. I unload to DH when I get back from seeing her, he says 'Why don't you kill her?'. I used to love her lovely late mum and her dad is so nice. Her brothers and sisters are so snooty, private schools, jobs in Dubai etc. So my suggestion is don't see her any more often than you can cope with.

People sharing emotional stuff is what bonds them together, but it has to be equal.

^This definitely this. I had a friend who emotionally dumped and lacked empathy it is a very draining combination.

My SIL is like that. Any time you are feeling a bit down and mention anything at all, she'll respond with "Aaanywayyyy....... let's talk about something nice instead, shall we?" or whatever, and she'll completely brush it under the carpet. Either that, or she'll find some way of making it my fault. If I'm under the weather (for instance) she'll say "Oh well, perhaps you need to look after yourself and take vitamins like I do".

Not a single atom of empathy in her body whatsoever.

Perhaps I am being petty. I have a hard time trusting people and opening up, so I think the incident where she completely let me down after agreeing to talk to me about my family issue did really hurt.

At the time, I felt that I didn't know her well enough to be direct with her and say, "Look, I'm actually quite upset that you don't want to spare me some time to listen to my issues, when for months I've listened to you complain and air your frustrations over your own family issues."

I realise that, since this happened during lockdown, a long time has passed, but we've probably only seen each other three or four times since then, so in terms of our interactions with each, it feels fairly recent. She reached out to me in the late summer/early autumn to do something, so she clearly still wants to be friends. Plus, we have some overlap with our work now, so there's a good chance I will continue to cross paths with her even if we don't remain friends.

I just don't know whether it's worth saving the friendship, which would involve a confrontation to set the record straight, or just dropping it quietly.

@filingmonotype
I know exactly what you mean,
she sounds incredibly self absorbed, it could be for that's the way she was brought up family dynamics or something else,

at the end of the day
a friendship is a two way relationship,

not just a one sided temporarily relantship such as like a therapist kind of situation,

i think with Covid and Lockdowns situation in which you met this woman and became friends with her,
was a unnatural weirdly intensive times,

when so many of us, were desperate for any human contact hardly susprisely,

so now we back to a sort of normality in some or most aspects of this,

it's making you see this friendship in a new light with fresh eyes maybe,

i would consirder this friend as being like someone on your peripheral of your life,
type of thing,
not as regular meet up and socialise talk deep about stuff on your minds type of friendship,

You are wasting your time here,

rember you can various different kinds of friendships in life too,
not just one intense friendship which expections is that person covers all our emotional needs etc,

I think it's much more healthier to create a friendship circle in which you find one particular friend maybe the deep thinker you can confinde in , and have deep thought provoking talks with , another is the fun friend who you like having fun times quirky sense of humour and other types of friends too,
obviously you can have friends too that have all these qualities with them too

It's just i find one intensive friendship only situation,
can make oneself to Needy craving that comfort of someone to turn to type if thing,
allmost like co dependency type of thing,

what if that kind of friendship moves elsewhere emigrates or something else etc?,

I definitely do not think you are like that though,

I just think 🤔 there can be tendency for that to happen, if that makes sense,

Yes I used to be good friends with someone who did this. When I realised she never asked about me, I let the friendship wither away. We met up for coffee about 2 years ago and she talked about herself the entire time - her DC's illnesses (which everyone knows are made up), her family who emotionally abuse her (they don't) and her husband being fired due to being falsely accused of something (he was made redundant due to cuts, heard about it from 2 other people). Nevertheless I nodded politely and offered advice. At the time, my Mum was terminally ill but I didn't get chance to even tell her, let alone talk about how I was feeling or get any support. I think she still doesn't even know my Mum died. I just say hi and walk away when I see her now.

Typo mistake friendships *

I had a friend like that. As a pp said, I could tell her my entire family had been killed in a tragic accident yesterday and she’d shrug her shoulders say ‘well everyone’s got shit to deal with’ and then tell me she’d broken a nail and how traumatic it was for her.

I got to know her in lockdown too and think it was such a strange time maybe we did really see people for who they were at that point, we were just happy for company.

As I said I HAD a friend. I had to stop seeing her as she just caused me more stress than she was worth. Friendship is a two way street.

She's a fair weather friend.

Quite happy to be friends and make use of you when she needs to, but woe betide you if you're anything but sunny.

@cerisepanther73 Thank you. I feel that your perspective, that not every friendship has to fulfill every need, is a wise one. The thing is, we do get along well so long as I can just avoid any personal discussions. If we stick to work and light conversation, we have a good time together. I just realised, when she and I had the recent exchange where (again) she completely avoided asking me how I was doing, it struck a nerve and reminded me of the incident during lockdown.

If I feel I need more out of the friendship, then I probably will let it fade out quietly rather than continue meeting up with her.

Ugh I have a LOT of these types of 'friends' and I've mentally downgraded them all to 'acquaintance'

I think firstly it's a sign of the times, worse since covid - nearly everyone is completely and utterly self obsessed these days. Most people have zero listening skills. Most people have zero conversational skills. Most people have lost sight of the concept of letting a conversation unfold, having a collaborative discussing, hearing a person out, and rigorously discussing any subject at hand.

Also, barely anyone has any attention span these days (I blame using devices) and they think that interrupting with a totally random comment when you're just about to tell them something important and have said listen I really need to ask you something with 'oohh have you got new earrings!??' is 'cute' and 'charming' and oh so look at me with my ADHD.

I've a serious life situation to hand at the moment. It means that if I meet a friend, I'm going to mention it because it's upfront and present and also I want them to know about me, my life, what I'm experiencing, and that maybe I might need to shout out for a little bit of help.

Well eff me, they really do say you find out who your friends are when you're in a bad situation. I don't have a single friend. I have a bunch of self-serving, selfish, self obsessed, people I know who are physically and mentally incapable of and also emotionally unwilling to listening to what another person is saying.

I know I'm not like this because I get feedback all the time saying I'm the only person they can talk to, that I'm the only one who will sit down and chat with them on a difficult subject, I'm the only one who 'gets' it, doesn't judge them, gave them wise feedback. Yeah cos I listen, ask questions, debate, discuss. If I think a friend needs that. Not getting it back in return tho.

Funnily enough when a friend comes to me and says do you have ten minutes I've got a real tricky problem and I don't know what to do... I don't go 'oh wow I love your new scarf... oh hey let's go look in the new clothes shop over there... and oh have I told you about Dave buying a new dog... I've only got twenty minutes cos I've left the car on a meter' and then think I'm ever so adorable and cutesy with my amazing self.

Sorry, not quite sure that I understand. Do you mean that perhaps she was uncomfortable discussing my family issue because I'm married, or because I was feeling very lonely?

When I said I was very lonely, what I meant was that I couldn't see my family because they all live abroad, and during lockdown of course no one could really travel. I felt then (and still feel) very isolated in terms of emotional support. My spouse is my only emotional support. However, with this friend, I had hoped that she would extend some of the emotional support I had provided vis-a-vis her family problems to me as well.

OP I don‘t understand why you describe this person as a ‘friend’ which possibly requires a clearer definition, when you really need her to be a sounding board.

We have different friends for differing reasons, there is no One size fits all - eg
I have friends of both sexes I can speak to if I’m glum or need to ‘run something
by him’ as one puts it, friends who I certainly wouldn’t discuss anything personal, intimate, troubling, friends with charmed lives, friends who, whatever ill has befallen me, even a bad cold, have always had the same but theirs was catastrophic no empathy there! These friends are however good fun.

Plus! as written on here many times : there is usually a life on a friendship, when it has run its course or mutual usefulness.

If you are to meet or interact with this lady through work then its advisable to keep
encounters pleasant whilst mentally withdrawing from a perceived relationship you rely on which is not nourishing.

It sounds like shes just not that sort of friend.

I have friends that I can't talk about serious family shit with, and I have friends where it goes no deeper than having a laugh.

Both types of friendship are valid, they just serve different purposes. Some people just aren't very good at empathetic listening, so don't rely on them for that.

It does sound a bit like you were expecting this woman to be good at it just because she's a woman though.

There is NO possible way you could EVER know for certain that a) her DC's illnesses are 'made up' and b) that her family don't emotionally abuse her. That's impossible. Give your head a shake.

Most people listen to reply these days, not to listen so they understand.
I think we all know someone like this. When I meet my 'someone' I don't even try to engage in deep conversation. I have other friends for that kind of relationship. I keep it light and airy...she knows very little about my life to be honest.

I'm not going to go into details as to why I know what I know. But thanks for the feedback.